Jessykins' Writing Thread!!
 

Is back! Once more I bring to you my THREAD OF WRITING!

This time I am going to try and organize them by character, for ease of browsing. Updates will be bolded or something. Maybe a color. I dunno. Anyway, let's do this shit.

Too many dead links. Gonna have to fix this shit at some point.

Not bad. I read "The Dead Life". It was well written, albeit a quick ending. If you were going to pick your favorite, which would it be?

Well, it took a little bit but I read Business as Usual. The imagery is vivid indeed.
This is a gift.
http://www.studiomagi.com/images/apathy.jpg

I still love you Jessy :)

First off: Vemp, I love you too.

Second off: I really have trouble picking my FAVORITE story. If anything, it'd probably be one of my Lilael stories.

Third off: MAGI HOLY FUCKING CRAP. THAT'S AWESOME. MARRY ME.

I am editing the shit out of the main post to make it a bit easier to work with. Hopefully this will make people give a shit more.

As if!

Oh yeah, and this is the picture Magi did (It's from the end of Business as Usual):

http://www.ravenillusion.com/Leaveit.../Rueapathy.jpg

ALL YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF DUNG! Read Jessy's work!

NOW!

I've written another Rue story. Fetch it here.

I read "The House at the End of the World" a day or so back and I liked it quite a bit. The imagery is (was?) quite vivid, and I also can't help but like stories like that.

I liked the ending too... for some reason.

I hate how you break so many rules of writing and yet the story works, the characters are believable and everything fits.

I've printed and edited "Just Another Job", "The Feeling is Mutual", "Nobody Knew", "The Stranger", and "The Dead Life", but this was on paper and I am too lazy to type it up.
But, really. It's not like you could learn anything from it. You write quite well.

I appreciate the compliment, but could you help me out here and tell me what rules I'm breaking?

Also, Schadenfreude, I'm glad you enjoyed that story. There was going to be a lot more to it, but I just can't seem to buckle down and do it. Mostly because I sort of forgot where I was going to end up with it. Whoops.

Just read Dead Life. Quite the laugh riot.

I am shamelessly bumping my thread in anticipation of a new story. If you see this, read my old shit.

Alright, punks. Added a second part to Guilty Conscience. You can find it in the main post, or if you're a lazy fuck, right here.

You cuss a lot in your writing.

I don't know about anybody else, but it makes your work seem very unprofessional.

I understand that cussing isn't directly correlative to intelligence. To cuss is simply ones own way of adequately expressing oneself. But your characters cuss so frequently that I can't help but feel like they're overly dramatizing the moment.

But don't take me wrong. Your writing works, for the most part, and your characters, I'm sure, are very real in many aspects. I just feel like the frequent cursing is often times unnecessary.

Your feelings are noted, however, I disagree. I'd also like to point out that the way you present your opinions comes off as very condescending, and I don't appreciate it. Either way, thanks for even bothering to read something at all.

I'm a first time reader, and I just read Lileal Snow: The Feeling Is Mutual.

The first thing is, I really really like your work. I really dug the character development and emotional expressions. It really makes me want to read more.

I do have to criticize about the ending. It sounded a little rushed. I kinda wished for something a little more twisted, but I'll always recognize my place as the reader, not the writer.

If you are ever in the Chicagoland area, I'll give you directions to the Heartland. It's probably the most popular hangout for up-and-coming writers in Chi-town.

Edit:

Never listen to this. Of course, that is coming from a big fan of Bukowski. Colorful language can be a form of art when used in context.

And here I thought I was the only on! Bukowski, I'll admit, has influenced me in a few ways (dialogue included), because he's exactly the type of person many of these characters is. Just angry and stuck in a shitty situation.

Also, yeah, the ending to the Feeling is Mutual doesn't really please me either, heh. I think I sort of ran out of steam and just wanted to get it over with.

Jessy, you really have to check out "Bukowski: Born Into This". It is a real, unbiased documentary on Henry Charles Bukowski Jr.. It's brutally sad to hear about his life, but at the same time he really opens up to the grief and saddness that explains a lot about him. I also loved a specific interview where the interviewer perceives the lead character in "Women" as a male chauvinist pig, and Bukowski says "What?! You didn't see the grief conveyed when he was torn between the love of two different women?! Who do you think I am?" Absolute gold. That is also the short version of what he said.

I actually just saw it for the first time a few days ago, and now I gotta tell everybody to see it.

http://www.dvdplanet.com/details.cfm?info=MNO010006

I've actually heard of and wanted to see that a lot. Not too long ago I'd downloaded a cassette-ripped copy of him reading a bunch of his poems/stories, and it was incredible to me to hear how tired and just beat down he'd sounded. I mean, reading the stuff is one thing, but when read by him it was something else.

I'll definitely look into watching that documentary.

JESSY!

Shit, I must say... I love your last story. Loved it so much that I'm gonna do a drawing dedicated to this story, sort of a cover page thing. Man, and you say you don't know anything about writing!

Did I say that?

Either way, awesome. I love fanart!

Well you inspired me to start writing up something. So I guess that is a good thing. :P

I'm glad to hear that. I've never thought of my stuff as "inspiring", so I'm flattered.. I guess?

Hey Jessykins, gotta say it takes balls to put your works out here. Seems like people are enjoying them though, and that says something.

But as someone who calls himself a writer as well, I gotta say one thing about your original post: you HAVE to re-read your stuff! Not only re-read it but re-write it, and then re-write it again. This is my biggest flaw as a writer and is something I'm trying to work on as well, but the thing is a story is never right the first time. So you just gotta keep working at it until it's as good as it's going to get, and even then it shouldn't be good enough. But then again, what the hell do I know, I'm just some dude on the internet.

Anyways, I've read a few of these, and the one I was most interested in was The Feeling is Mutual. Your discription, dialouge, characters are all fine, and I really liked the position Lilael was in at the beginning (situation-wise, not sexually). It's just a nice, curious juxtipostion.

What I had a problem with was that I needed to see more of a connection between Lilael's self-loathing and her actions. I understand that she was taking the fucking so she wouldn't be alone, but why would it lead her to murder? Was it aggressive or dispassionate action? And, though I understand that she hates herself, I don't understand why. It can't be because she keeps comming back to the redhead to get fucked, cause that's something she does to fuel her self-hatred. I just really want to know the origin of the self-hatred and, probably more importantly, why she wants to hate herself so bad. I mean, she's doing this to herself, right? She doesn't have to keep going back to the redhead - she could just leave. So why is this not the only time she's done this? And why won't it be, as I was lead to believe, the last time? (last time with the redhead, I hope, but not the last time period...)

I just feel like your so close to writing that one line that's going to make me change my mind about some small thing.

I'm sure none of this has been helpful, but, well, there it is anyways.

Sorry for focusing only on this one line, but I suppose it's really just something that I've been asked a lot (about the character/myself). She doesn't HAVE to keep going back, right? Unless, of course, she's SO desperate for any sort of affection or attention that she'll go crawling back to the one who'd give it to her, even if it's negative. I think the fact that she's going back pretty much shows the depths of her self esteem issues quite well. In the end, the murder, really, was something of an act of bravery and strength on her part, but not really. Strength would've been finding the ability to resist the urge to succumb and see her. Instead she took the coward's way out and just eliminated the temptation from her life.

Either way, thanks for the observations, to be honest I feel bad that I haven't been given Lilael as much attention as Rue, but writing Lil can be a little too personal sometimes, and leaves me feeling weird afterward.

No, I totally get that she is desperate for attention; I guess I'm left wonder why she needs it. Hard to touch on in these agrivatingly small windows into the life of Lilael (that's a compliment by the way :) ) but the really intriquing part is what makes her keep going back, because once we understand why Lilael keeps returning, then maybe we see something of a larger picture. Something to shoot for I guess...

By the way, just read the Rue stories and, as much as it pains me to admit it (because doing so destroys the dilusion that kids my same age can't write well), I was really getting into them. Each time I scrolled down to the last few pages and saw the end was coming I got sad. So then I had to sit and thing about why I liked them and I think the main reason is that you write 3rd person so much better than 1st person. I started to notice it in some of the other stories where your 1st person just didn't get inside the charater's head enough - like in the Lileal stories I never fully understood what her motivations were. I don't know how to explain it, but the narration always sounded too removed.

I know I suck at trying to define these things, but the overall point is your 3rd person writing seems very professional, and that make me jelous.

That's the funny thing, too. I enjoy writing first person more. Although, I think the fact that I don't do it enough is why it seems lacking in comparison. Either way, thanks for the compliments and observations. I do plan to do some more Lilael work in the future. Hopefully the not-too-distant future.

yeah, I really don't have any good advice for you - I'll have to go back and re-read the first persons to see what was nagging me...

But, like Bob Ross says, you can get good at anything with practice (or something to that effect). So definately keep writing; you're giving me the itch to do a little myself.

Uh..hi. So, I'm up real late reading Just Another Job, and I think you're awesome. Anything that I can actually get finished reading is awesome. and there aren't a lot of stuff that I finish reading. I'm a musician(shh. :) )
I really like how it was written.

I really enjoyed Just Another Job, and I have a feeling that I'll enjoy The Feeling is Mutual as well.
I think it's the opener, "I think about the dumbest shit during sex."
It's like, "whoa."

I wish I could write better...maybe it's time to go to college.
later!.

I didn't even graduate high school, in fact. Only so much can be taught. If you want to be a good writer, just write. Write and read a LOT.

Also, I'm glad you liked my stories. Please read more and tell me what you think.

I plan on reading more. Not sure about writing though. Except for my songs. heh heh.
And of course I'll tell you what I think.

Double Post:
Oh my gosh. I just finished reading The Act of Losing Hope. That was some good stuff! I agree with whinehurst. You write so much better in the third person.

When I first clicked on the link for the story and saw that it was about 5 pages, I thought, "oh boy." but as I read, I couldn't stop and some things just made me read more and more.

I plan on reading everything you have posted up here, except for the very first one on your list. I think it says something like you probably won't finish with that storyline. Something like that.

Later!.

You actually SHOULD read that, as it establishes Rue and Eddie as characters. It's something of a starter story I guess. The thing is, it's a stand alone story, but there was supposed to be a second part (with a different name) that I don't plan to do.

I was actually going to ask if that first story introduces the characters today. :)

I have to admit, I am a slow reader, I finally gotten around to read just another job, and I'll have to say, I like Lilael better then Rue. >.> She seem to be person of good humor but contemplative. For some reason I can imaging her having more variant expression wise compare to Rue, which I had always feel to be stoic.

Hey!.
I just wanted to say thanks for letting me know that I should read the other stories. I read part one and started part two, and it's really interesting.
I'll say more when I finish reading everything you wrote. heh heh. I think I might be almost halfway there.

bye for now.

Pretty good observation of them, Magi. I'm glad I got that across with Lil and Rue. Sadly, Lil doesn't get the kind of attention Rue does, but I plan to give her some very soon!

New story time! At last, Lilael gets some more attention in the first part of a story that will not only jump to Rue, but also establish Alec Burnside as a future contender for stories of his own.

Fetch it HERE! Or in the main post, as always.

Comments are appreciated. I took a lot of my first person criticism to heart, so I hope this one is a little bit more in depth. I hope. It's also been a while.

It's a great improvement, but I felt Lilael was too indifferent to the discovery of the body. Infact, the scene that followed was comical.

Overall I enjoyed it.

That's actually sort of the point. After seeing a certain amount of bodies, it really just stops being that surprising. Glad you liked it though.

I read it, but I am not sure what to say. Its interesting enough to keep me reading and finish it, and that's saying a lot for someone who usually never read. >w<;



This is a scene from the story, its fairly ambigiouse, but I think one can make a educated guess on what this is once you read the story. :3

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g2...006/lilael.jpg

Is it Ringu?

I still can't relate to the whole lesbian protagonist thing, but goddamn it if you haven't gotten the whole world and its characters down pat.

Dialogue is also great, as usual, and the ending left on a light and depressing note.

Thumbs up all around, you fucking dyke.

Whoa, gotta read this one.

And maybe do another fanart.

A review in only the way you can give it, Brad. Thanks.

Also, Vemp, MAYBE? I think you know what must be done!

Hey, dude. I just wanted to let you know that I read your newest story, Misanthrope, and to let you know I'll read any other ones you put up. I've been meaning to read it, but never was in the mood to read. You know?

And, well...I can't say much other than I liked it(like all your other writings) because I'm never good with criticism and I was never good with looking at stories, or anything else and analyzing(maybe because I look at things at a whole).

Great job. Thanks for sharing.
Later!.

Thanks for reading, Nahual. I hope you enjoy my other stories as well. Be sure to tell me what you think.

Well, fuck. This thread is kind of boned until I can find new hosting for my stories. EX-girlfriend deleted all my shit.

I hear elfwood is good for hosting.

:world lol's:

Okay, all better. New story coming soonish.

Can't wait for your new story.

Oh dear, it seems that a new story has been written.

Get it HERE or the opening post.

This story takes place after Lilael's last story, btw.

(Also, this is pretty much very violent. I was in a mood to write some gore. I promise I'll bring some REAL stories back eventually)

Oooh.. new stuff. *clicks*

I hope you see what I mean when I said there's a great scene at the end for you to DRAW FOR ME. WINK WINK.

I fixed all of my crappy, broken links in the main post and also remade this thread, thinking that all on old GFF was lost. Boy do I look stupid. Now there will be two of these on the first page, one of which is closed. I'm fucking awesome.

Something new. Pretty short and lame, but it's been a while and I just needed to get back into it. Boneyard it's called. It's a Lilael thing. Get it on the front, or here.

New short added. End of the Line. Can be found in the Other Blackfield Stories section, or right here

I really like your works Jessy.



They both left an impression on me for sure. :D Keep on writing.

Holy shit, I can't believe I missed that last one!

Also, sorry for not being able to draw hot lesbian Rue action. I'm kinda busy with work :(. I'll draw something for you (hopefully) soon.

I just noticed your reply, Vemp. It's been THREE MONTHS.

Why must you tease me?

Finally finished an new, actual story called Outsider.

Get it here or in the main post.

I have a hard time doing street smart dialogue, but I enjoyed the piece rather well. Rakir isn't really a likeable guy in my eyes, so I enjoyed the picture painted of him. A bit longer than the previous work I've read of yours, and it holds together given your time away from doing something like this.

Well, my first story in a good fucking while is finally done. It's a Lilael Snow story called Not Dead Yet, and you can find it in the first post or get the big file here. Or by chapters here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7.

Please feed my back. I put a lot into this one.

The continuation of black field saga with Lileal Snow. :3 You really like gang fictions. I am not a very big reader, so I have very limited point of reference. What I can say it was a not a hard read to "get into" so to speak. Unlike some author who make impenetrable pros seen to be design for confounding their readers.

Also, lol @ product placement. ;3

Magi is smart, but does he know why killers enjoy Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Let me first start off by saying I just finished your story, and secondly HORRAY! You finished your project!

Meanwhile, while I could appreciate how well-written and engrossing the detail to the surroundings and people were, I can't say I could relate too much to the story itself. This is a strictly personal standpoint of mine since you know, I didn't grow up in a city and the closest thing to a gang I've ever encountered was one man from the Hells Angels.

I'm not sure if you're looking for criticism for this or what here, so I'll just leave that one bit by itself for now. You really can write up a storm when you put your mind to it though, so please keep at it misseskins

By all means, Abby. If you have some opinions or whatever about it, lemme hear 'em. Criticisms are accepted too.

Ok, finally got around getting over here and all that.

Good job. I'm really impressed. I found nothing wrong with it.

I am glad I was impressive! I hope I've made a fan of you, heh.

I remember when I would read all your stories. I gotta start that again!
Right now, I have the first chapter of Not Dead Yet up on my screen. I'll post my thoughts when I finish all the chapters. Good to see a new story up! I kind of missed the last couple ones you did(and I'll probably read those in time, too)...

Additional Spam:
After finishing the story, I must say that I'm impressed. It was really good. I'm glad I got around to doing it. I'm not much of a reader, but when I do read something that I like, I don't stop.

I would also like to add that sometimes when I do read, my mind tends to wander off and I get distracted. That didn't happen so much while I was reading this time.

I really liked all the attention to detail you gave. Nice. I'm reminded that reading can be enjoyable. =)

The only negative thing I can think of is actually quite small and might have more to do with my reading... A couple times when there is dialogue, I get confused about who is speaking. But like I said, maybe that's just my fault. haha.

Also,

Yay for story!

Thanks for the input, Nahual! I'm glad you liked it.

Next story will probably be a Rue focused one, so if you think she's terrifying NOW...

Looking forward to it! =D

I just had to transfer everything over to a new server today, so if anybody gets a bad link or a wrong upload let me know.

Who am I kidding? Nobody reads this.

Lies.

I just finished reading the first Rue story. I liked it a lot. I think i'm gonna be a regular in this thread. No homework and stuff makes for lots of spare time.

That's good to hear. I'd like to think they actually get better as they go along (they happen to be listed in the order I wrote them anyway) so tell me what you think.

NEW STORY TIME! I didn't realize it'd been a year since the last one. What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyway this one will be a two parter, and hopefully the second part won't be as far away as this one.

It is called Reciprocity and you can get it there, or on the front page. Feedback is appreciated, as always.

Okay, I realize that this is gonna sound crass as fuck and I don't mean it that way - but if you write and you want to keep writing, why are you dumping it on the Internet instead of trying to get yourself published?

Because I am trying to get feedback as opposed to rejection letters.

Rejection letters still mean you're aiming higher than jerks on the Internet.

Its like an orchestra when they perform for a conductor they like; they "player higher" than normal because they enjoy performing for the guy. The same could go for your writing.

I'll be sending shit out when I feel I am ready to send shit out. I'm not AIMING for people on the internet, I'm just trying to get some opinions at all.

Which, by the way, I haven't heard from you.

I read all your stories. The plots are intriguing, but if you're having trouble with publishers, I can think of a few possible tips.

You could try "streamline" the series into something smaller, but more coherent. Mainly the characters and how they're introduced. I would start with Rue.

I would outline the important points of Rue's back story, leave aside the unnecessary details and fit it all into one big chapter.

I would probably rethink or replace other characters. Namely Garis. I'm not fond of his name. And perhaps he needs more of an edge than simply being Rue's boss. As it is, Garis comes across as a fairly neutral character. Neither good nor bad, but ultimately boring and unlikeable. Either the guy needs more balls, or needs to be pushed into the background.

I might also give Lilael a terminal illness so it gives the sense of a "doomed relationship". You know, like "There are no happy endings in Blackfield". Of course, that depends on the direction you want to take the story.

As for locations, I'm not entirely sure. I like this scum-city setting you've created. It's probably one of the best fictional locations I've come across. But you tend to repeat descriptions of the same things a little too much sometimes. Again, I would probably outline as many points about the location as I felt necessary, then reorganize the key locations of Blackfield into up to a dozen chapters, spread throughout the book.

I think the story could use a little more momentum. I mean, there are events such as "we have to kill this guy" and the odd tragic death, but the characters seem a little too comfortable where they are. Rue sitting in Rue's apartment etc.

It's tricky, making Rue seem invincible. It does make her a cool character, but strongly diminishes the sense of danger. By the time I finished the most recent chapter, I felt almost completely unconcerned about Rue. Like, if I skipped a few chapters ahead, I would be certain Rue isn't in any serious trouble. Maybe she could use a rival; someone who might have a chance at beating her and tear apart everything she's worked for.

- My two cents.:tpg:

Thanks for the opinions. A few of the things you've brought up (Any sort of relationship, Rue finding an equal/rival, etc) I intended to address in later stories. Though it seems like a lot has been written, these really are just the beginning of their stories.

*waits for new stories*

Reciprocity part 2 is finally done. Commence readification.