Listen to me, dammit!
 

I'm not sitting the corner, shy and silent. I am honest to God trying to socialize with people. This time it's the people in my Introduction to PCs class*. And here I am running into the same problem I encounter every time I try to talk to people: nobody cares.

I know I'm not mumbling, and I know it's a breach of decor to try to shout over people, so I really have no idea what I'm doing wrong here. I try to converse with people, they keep right on talking over me. The rare moment I actually manage to get a word in edgewise, everyone stares at me like I'm Frankenstein's monster.

Damned if I can figure out what's going on here. Nobody seems the slightest bit interested in my opinions, my thoughts, or even my presence. It is not for lack of trying, or lack of assertion. Bizarrely enough I see the same problem even online, so is it just that I radiate creepiness vibes all around me?

* By all rights I should have been able to test out of this stupid class. Lab 3: Behold, the Celeron processor! Look what a big fan it has! Unfortunately, it's apparently really important that I know Intel created the first processor in 1971.

Well, and this really isn't as hard as it may seem, you could be the only decent human being in that class. Or maybe there are some good people who just weren't 'in the mood' or were 'having a bad day'. It's possible, and probably more likely than we'd care to think.

But you say this happens all the time and everywhere, right? In that case the above can't be true (not for everything, anyway), so there must be something else.

Well, it would seem to me that the most likely option is that, and don't take this the wrong way, you're wrong. You're not being assertive and outgoing. Or at least, not enough. It would appear you have had this problem for some time? Well, there's a chance that you just think you're putting yourself out there. That isn't to say you aren't trying, just that you wouldn't (or couldn't?) know what it took, and thus to what degree you need to act out.

Or maybe the people you're trying to get to just need for you to talk a little louder. If it takes a breach of protocol to get your voice heard, break it! They'll be a little put-off at first, sure, but then you'll have their attention. Take that time to show them just how awesome you are, and that you should be listened to all the time.

Regardless, first thing you have to do is get back on the horse, which you sound like you've been doing for some time. Good job on that! Keep it up and someone will take notice.

btw, we're listening.

Maybe you should say things that are funny. People like funny guys.

So, what kind of conversations were you trying to involve yourself in?

btw, no we're not, i don't know what frank is talking about

Umm well is your face deformed, are you possibly horrifically ugly, maybe a speech impediment?

Takes Russ' advice and make some jokes, get some laughs and people will start to think you are cool... or something like that.

Just a bunch of pricks trying to act too cool for you. You have to ask yourself if you really want in their social clique. You may find yourself shunning others that want in if you join the crew. It's the horrible mystery that is adolescent mingling.

I'm twenty-four. ;_;

Yes, I'm trying to be funny. Nobody hears my jokes because they're too busy talking over me. I can't get them to pay attention to me in the first place.

Well, if you're trying to get attention for attention's sake or trying too hard, that can be pretty annoying, and they could be ignoring you because of it. But I'd have to look at the situation to tell exactly what's going on and how to help you.

Well one thing that I had noticed about conversation is that usually you want to say stuff that is condusive to further conversation. I don't know the situation with you right now, but I think that is a possibility. In everyday conversation, you want to leave things open so that other people can say something building upon that.

However, this is something that I had noticed about a friend of mine who has a tendency to experience the same problems.
Can you give an example of such a situation?

Bad breath?

Like dogs, people can sense when you're being too anxious, too needy, trying too hard, etc.

My only advice is to try not to make it apparent that you *desperately* want to fit into the crowd, that you're desperate for social interaction because in some ways, as you said in your above post, it might give off some creepy vibes. Even if you aren't being half as desperate as I'm probably making you sound, just, you know, be natural. Be yourself.

When I was younger I used to be like that; force myself into conversations with people because I wanted to feel like I fit in with someone. Unfortunately, I was a weird kid so yeah, people would talk over me or ignore me or look at me funny.

However, when I hit highschool, when I really stopped caring what people thought and cared less if I fit in, I said what I wanted when I wanted to whoever I wanted. And you know what, people actually found me funny and remotely enjoyable; if not just for my caustic humor and blatant admittion for watching scrambled porn <<

Anyway, just... Yes. Be yourself. Don't worry so much about fitting in or any of that.

Seris speaks the truth.
It may sound generic and unhelpful, but just relax. Ignore the people around you, and really really focus on the really trivial things. Eventually, you will need someone's help or advice - just reach out to someone nearby and don't think about it. Just start talking to them casually and with open-ended sentences.
This will of course be pretty awkward, and then would be an excellent time to pull an InfernalMonkey-like comment to break the ice.

You wanna be popular??
Do drugs!! while your penis size grows smaller, your toughness rate goes up.
I mean who needs a penis when you can get that ultimate high.!

But seriously don't do drugs. ever...

anyway Seris is right. don't push it. Just calm down a little and maybe you should pay more attention to your schoolwork than getting friends.

I find showing girls you have a gigantic cock gets them to talk to you real quick

I agree with what some others have said here about not appearing 'too desperate' to fit in or be liked.

However it can be really difficult for some people to do this: people who kind of naturally think about things too much rather than go with the flow.

You should also accept that some people are assholes and will block you out no matter what you do. Do not let these people give you a bad experience which will make you even more desperate to fit in elsewhere and thus the cycle repeats itself.

It's a tough situation you are in because you have perfectly good outgoing intentions but unfortunetely these intentions will not pay off with the majority of people. They will most probably pick up on your desperation and perhaps get distracted by it.

You might want to try and get some sort of balance between talking to people yet not appearing like your life depends on it.

Good advice, but one problem. Natural, for me, is not getting involved at all. It may very well be that I'm coming across as slightly stilted, as it takes a conscious effort to attempt to socialize with people. I just don't instinctively socialize at all anymore, and prefer to keep to myself if it's people I don't know. They in turn don't pay the quiet guy any attention, and so the cycle goes. I have to make an active effort to make friends, but doing so is unnatural and wierds people out.

And unfortunately, I rarely find myself in any situations where showing girls my massive penis would be appropriate. It's all about context, you know.

Controversy, my dear man, is an excellent way to get attention paid to your opinions.

I hate to encourage a dramatic flare to your persona, but people usually overlook those who are mundane who have mundane opinions.

I personally don't find that you're mundane, but that you're lacking a certain....joie de vivre....passion for living. I am sure you feel passionately about things - let that passion flow. People are usually stirred by any kind of passion, so long as it's not OVER THE TOP and OBNOXIOUS. ^_^

You're ought to chose passions that stray far from broadway musicals, fashion, and cosmetics slash personal hygiene.

Other than that, I can't really advise. I know that I can asset myself leader of a pack rather easily, but thats probably because I am the only one who feels PASSIONATELY about completing a task or I scare my competition into submission unintentionally.

You don't need to get involved in things, necessarily. But be sure to keep an open ear and an open eye to all things around you. The more you observe, the better you'll be able to appeal to your audience.

Be a bit more assertive and firm, of course nobody listens to that voice in the background. You must be more active when participating in any conversation i.e. look at me I'm here (without looking like an attention seeker).

One thing I find I'm good at is being able to jump into any conversation, like the other day these 2 guys who are in my class, who I don't know very well were talking about the course. I just over heard what they were saying but I was able to join the conversation very easily, we sat and talked for a good 30 mins after that.

Are you implying something? -_o

I'm not really sure how I could be more controversial. I'm damn near a troll when it comes to replying in some topics around here, but the reactions at Gamingforce mirror reality - nobody cares. I can't even seem to raise enough eyebrows to get people to call me an asshole. Frankly I begin to see why certain unnamed creepy people here act the way they do, not that I'd ever stoop to their level.

The other problem with being assertive, I can illustrate with last Monday's class. I had article I was presenting as part of our homework assignment, and was trying to get a point across, but the teacher stopped me in the middle to raise a counterpoint, and most of the class pretty much nodded in agreement, and that's where it stopped. Nobody cares what I have to say, and trying to be more assertive - or belligerent - just makes me look like a pesky whacko. Conservative approaches rarely work out, but sticking my neck out invariably ends more disastrously, because I'm seemingly the only person in the world with my combination of opinions.

It's entirely possible I'm just trying to send my messages to the wrong audience, but damned if it doesn't seem like a receptive audience is non-existent.

Aagh this happens to me to some extent too. I'm naturally shy though, but if I suggest something in almost any venue apart from my good friends, then I just get a blank look or an "oh really?" and whoever was 'leading' just goes on about their ideas which everyone agrees upon. One of my friends talks to me a lot and with enthusiasm as well, but I am totally out of the picture when our mutual friend comes in, which causes my two friends to totally ignore my words, even in those instances where I try to jump in. Again, "oh really?" or "uh huh" is what I get, and they just carry on without me. For what reason, I don't know. I'm not desperately trying, and I only try every once every 10 minutes or so, so you'd think that would be sufficient time to jump into a conversation or discussion, but apparently not.
So I can relate:
My best results unfortunately come when the 'leader' has run out of ideas, that's when people appreciate my ideas, and then look to me. Then I pursue that, and make sure to get my point across, while letting others go on at their appropriate times. I guess what I mean is that there seems to be a very critical timeframe that you have to take advantage of, at least that's what happens with me. You're forced to be assertive, but open. Direct, but receptive. It's a delicate situation :s Good luck though, I hope this will be the case for you too :)

Oh ya, and I should add: I really dislike when people are desperately seeking fit in. So I've sworn off doing that in any situation. It turns out the people that I have made good social conversation with are open and receptive, unlike the attention hoggers who like to always be heard. If a person wants to talk or listen to me, then they'll pursue the conversation no matter how moot the point I made was. If not, then whatever, I won't want to talk to them also.

I have the same problem so I sort of learned to reverse the situation. Every time I go to class, I don't talk to anybody. There's never anybody I know in there. I come in with the "I-don't-want-to-be-bothered" attitude. No matter how much I really don't want to be bothered, somebody always ends up talking to me and eventually everyone else. However, this won't work in your case, though.

Are these people actually talking around you and stuff? If that were the case, try talking about the class itself or something just about everybody know would be interested in. It just might work.

Well, there's not much class-related to talk about. It's Introduction to PCs; our first four labs have been opening the computer and looking at what's inside. Most of the class already knows all this crap, so there's not much discussion involved, plus it would be a bit of a conversation hijack.

Take it from me - BITCHING about the class wins hearts. ESPECIALLY if its a retarded class. I mean, I would THINK most people IN the class actually know about PCs. RAM, ROM, bit, byte. Yea, okay. Cut to the chase.

If you expressed discontent, usually people will too. AND YOU WILL BE THEIR LEADER.

Just do it quietly, and when the professor isn't looking. ^_^

This strategy is genius. If I were in this class, I'd be ready to kill someone by week three. The goddamn dumbed-down nature of it is why I never lasted on a comp. sci program. I just didn't have the patience to last through the boring crap until the classes got interesting.

AH, SEE?

The sense of CAMARADERIE is easily established with mutual likes/dislikes!

And you know half those kids in your class - if not MORE - are thinking the same exact thing you're thinking. You can usually read what they're thinking on their pudgy little kawaii faces.

Read the crowd. Work your magic. <3

Don't have it be trivial bitching though. Then people will just think you're whiney. Best way I find to make friends is to be able to make jokes of anything and everything. Which is probably why I don't have many friends who are strongly religious <.<

Yep, I agree with this. Making jokes out of situations, scenarios and people puts people at ease with you, i have found. Unfortunately being serious about things puts people off most of the time.

Hmm, I had this problem long ago. That was when I'm unconsciously in need of caring and to be listened by others. And I did the same like you. Resulting a very bad output, I'm underestimated by others, I felt like the lowest wherever I went and I'm too aggresive when trying to be friendly with others.

Well, in short, I tried to understand myself, understanding my uniquness, and knowing why I'm unique than others. I'm sure you have certain uniqueness too, use them to make people like you! Everyone in the world is unique, so is you. There are things you couldn't do, but there are also things only you can do!

Try to listen them first, I'm sure there are lot people want to be listened. Maybe you should to become a good listener? Some of my friends are liked by others because in fact, they are willingly listening to other people's trouble.

I'm sure you could make good friend that way. At least that works for me.:)

Oh, count me as your friend if you don't mind.

Oh, no worries there. I'm already a good listener. I'm kind of surprised how easily people will open up to me.

It is a wholly unfulfilling position. Nobody ever reciprocates - because obivously nobody cares about my issues. They brush me off like some tiresome whiner and switch the subject back to themselves or to some other topic they'd rather talk about.

I wonder if it's less a problem of me asserting myself, and more a problem of there being almost nobody in the world I'm compatible with. "Unique" is not always an asset, when you really are unlike anybody else you meet. You have to have at least a few common points to get along with someone beyond the level of casual acquaintence, and even among hardcore nerds I'm markedly different.

Yeah, having something in common really helps in making new friends. Actually our position is a bit similar after all >_>.

I don't know anything about new movies that's coming around, I don't know about any of current hot music in MTV, my knowledge in sport is almost zero, I never could talk anything about sport between my male friends. But still, even though I'm lack of these, people still likes me, or at least they still would listen what I would talk about.

I think you should start thinking to be unique is beautiful. If we keep labelling ourselves "different", we may unconsciously make a gap between ourselves and people, and I think you should avoid that. :)

Not to mention, I had been called 'sissy' in my entire life. That made me thinking I was the most abnormal person in the world... and felt inferior to anyone else :/ And it was really hard to me to put aside these "I'm different" doctrines when I confronted new friends.

But look, I actually could pass these tough times. I'm sure you could do it too. :)

First up, if they talking over the top of you? Clear the throat, look them in the eye, raise your voice and talk over them. If they don’t back down, shut up or continue to raise their voice and not let you say your piece, chances are they are genuinely rude shitheads who NEVER will. You don’t socialise with these people, you avoid them. If you’re not in a position to do so, you tolerate them as best you can. Remind yourself you are NOT one of these people, because you’ve been patiently waiting your turn to speak, and it is ok to release your frustration at inconsiderate individuals. Once they get the message, you probably won’t have to do it so often.

Listening is never an unfulfilling experience, especially when people divulge their secrets to you. If they’re not, and it’s just boring mundane crap that you couldn’t care about, change the subject, or better still, let them do the hard work for you and bring up something you’re more interested in. Then perhaps you can engage in a more meaningful two way conversation.

I'm frequently told that I overgeneralize too much, but this is why. You have described everybody I've ever tried to talk to. We're not even talking about me going out and unconsciously seeking the wrong kinds of people for friendship, this is just everyone I encounter. The people at work are friendly, but generally don't seem to care what I have to say. People at school? Too busy talking amongst themselves. People in chat rooms? Overlook my comments.

Every time I try to change the subject, they change it back. It feels like I operate under different rules from everyone else - like there's some sort of unspoken agreement that my interests and opinions carry less weight than everyone else. Unique is a liability here, because nobody is 'unique' like I am - and that translates into incompatible interests. It doesn't matter what I have to say if the other person just wants to keep rambling on about World of Warcraft or J-Pop.

I'm harping on this point a lot, but that's because I keep getting the same generic advice back. Hell, even you guys aren't taking what I'm saying at face value. I realize it's ludicrous to say so, but I really do feel at odds with practically every single person I've ever tried to converse with. I can count the exceptions on one hand. Regular people, nerds, academics, people at work, it doesn't matter, they all behave identically. It's not in my head, and it's supremely frustrating when everyone else seems to think so.

i've had a bit of the problem myself, and i've managed to make it better by talking more and talking louder. Timing's also important i.e: if someone is reading and they're into their book, don't bother talking to them b/c u'll only get that annoying "what'd u say?" and u'd have to repeat everything u say.
sometimes tho it really seems that everyone around me is deaf and i find myself repeating what i said hundreds of times ^^;;

and what exactly do you talk to people about? there has to be ONE person that's interested in what you have to say. if people don't know what ur talking about, perhaps explaining would be a good idea. and don't force the topic change, just let the topics flow from one to another. or start a conversation yourself when there's a lull in the convo.

i have a friend that's also constantly talking about WoW, and since i don't play it, i don't respond much. But i do talk about RO quite a bit with him, but he doens't play RO at all. he actually refuses to play. So basically our conversations are of him talking about WoW and myself talking about RO. Completely different games, but it doen'st bother me much.

if you wanna be in control of the situation, then just...be in control. be a bit more assertive, watch what other people are doing in the conversation. Are they just nodding along, or are they actually giving input? If you see someone constantly at the center of attention, try to mimic what they're doing. Are they being loud? what kind of things are they saying?

one of my ex best friends used to constantly interrupt me, and that used to piss me off big time, and i told her about it, and she learned to shut up eventually. But sometimes she kept talking and if i was in the middle of saying something, i would continue talking just a little bit louder.

then again, there are a lot of assholes out there who couldn't care less about those around them, and there may be a chance that u'r stuck with a whole lot of them.

How funny would it have been if everybody played devil's advocate by purposely not posting in this thread? Missed opportunity people...

LOL that'd be evil...^^;;

Hmm. I don’t think you’ll get any specific advice unless you post an example conversation. You say you’re getting a lot of generic advice. I’d like to know, what have you done with all this? Have you tried to put any of it into practice? What difference has it made? If it didn’t work, what else did you try?

Maybe the best thing to do would be to forget everything you’ve seen and heard about communication. Don’t set any goals or endpoints, don’t think about trying to relax: strike up a conversation, enjoy the moment because no matter how bad things get, they are only going to improve…

Afterwards, review it (and any past unsuccessful efforts at communication) as a learning experience. Ask yourself what went wrong, and what can I do to change? Make an honest appraisal of your mistakes. For example, how did I initiate conversation? Was the timing appropriate? Was my clothing outlandish and weird? What was the topic and how could I have led into it better? Was my fly undone? etc… If you can’t think of at least one thing you could’ve done differently, you are not trying hard enough and things won’t change. Learn from any successful encounters too: if you can do it once, you’ll know how to do it again because success breeds further success.

Remember, you can waste your natural creative energies on conjuring scary scenarios about what might happen if you try something new and unusual; or making excuses like there being an ‘unspoken agreement’ against you and how everyone else is simply incompatible. Alternatively, you can apply your creativity in more constructive endeavours, such as working out how best to accomplishing what you want to achieve.