I suck at talking to people
 

Basically as the title says: I suck at pointless conversations.
I'm pretty good at talking to people if I have a reason for talking to them. If I'm just shooting the bull - you know, idle conversation - I lock up. I stat thinking about how I have nothing to say and then I get uncomfortable for not saying anything, and I then I get even more uncomfortable for the other person being uncomfortable and then I usually just say something stupid and go away. :(

I'd just love to be able to speak without anxiety to people. I'd love to start a random conversation with someone and you know, just enjoy talking for the heck of it. I'd love to meet new people like this. It'd just make everything easier if I didn't have this block in my head whenever I tried speaking with people.

So yeah. Share your experiences (if you have them -- can it be that I'm the only freak in the universe who does this :() and advice on how to become more sociable.

Alcohol fixes this problem.

There's really not much advice anyone can offer here... the best thing to do is to just have confidence and practice.

I'm not very good at talking to people myself, but I manage okay by pretty much being the first one to smile and laugh. So long as you break the tension by putting your guard down first, everything is usually okay.

A conversation takes two people. If the other person isn't helping the situation any, that pretty much just means you guys didn't click. There's honestly nothing you can do about that.

But yeah, practice talking to people and you'll get better at it.

Did I mention alcohol?

Oh. One more thing: avoid staring people DIRECTLY in the eye 100% of the time. That's annoying and uncomfortable. You're not interviewing them, you're holding a conversation.

Oh, and alcohol.

Finding the dumbest things to talk about can be key as well. Talk about the situation you're in with that person. Comment about something they're wearing that stood out to you. Make a comment about something you can both see right away. If you involve them usually they're more... well... involved. :/

alcohol.

Umm... yeah, don't resort to drugs and alcohol. Those things a nice crutch and can take the edge off, but you can't use them all the time obviously. You get a job and want to talk to the hot chick at the copier machine at the workplace then you obviously can't down a beer or smoke a fat one real quick.

I have to say that I'm kinda in a similar situation. I'm shy, have social anxiety, and just have pretty bad social skills in general. My saving grace is that I have a great sense of humor and can break the ice a bit with humor. Trying to deal with new people has been the biggest challenge for me my whole life.

A short list of things that seem to be doing okay for me:

#1 Confidence: Be confident in who you are and whatever it is that you do. If someone starts to converse back with you and asks you about yourself, you'll want to tell them things that'll sound interesting otherwise they'll be bored with you quickly and not feel comfortable continuing the conversation. Now I don't mean that if you work as a bagger at a grocery store that you think of yourself as the best bagger ever, but understand yourself, your situation, and who you are. Your confusion with yourself will reflect to the person you talk to and they'll know you're a freak. So you might need to do a bit of soul searching.

#2 Little Bit of Practice: Try small conversations with random people. For example, you're waiting in line somewhere for something and you notice something grossly stupid or annoying that is causing the problem. Vaguely mentioning the problem in a general area, not loudly and annoyingly mind you, will draw some minor attention towards you. Most of the people there are probably uncomfortable in the situation already and your comment might make them more comfortable. At that point though, don't overdo it. Be happy that you took some initiative, broke some ice, and had some social interaction. If someone responds really well to you, obviously just roll with it, but don't force anything more out.

#3 Practice at Home: Post on forums, play online games, and/or go to chatrooms. Lots of people in these areas are social recluses but not always. You have a barrier of anonymity to ease some tension. Talk to random people, lots of them. However remember that the internet and normal social situations will always be vastly different, but you can still use online interaction for confidence-building, self-understanding, and just general chit-chat practice.

#4 Use Your Strengths: Mine is humor... you've got to have something that people respond well to, find it and use it.

NO. Don't do that, it's pointless and you'll never get anywhere. I mean, since when has an internet conversation mirrored a real-life one? There's always some lame acronym/l33t sp33k going on anyway, so why bother? You'll start to pick up mannerisms from chat and instead of actually laughing at a joke you'll probably yell out "LOL! LOL LOL!" and look like an idiot in the process.

Plus there's the whole body language thing. It's something like 80% of our communication, whereas verbal communication is a measly 20% (I'm probably not exact but it's something like that).

Matt's right.

If you want to learn how to be social AVOID "practicing" on the internet. That's ridiculous. You could have the words of cassanova but that doesn't mean shit if you're sitting there twirling your thumbs while staring at your feet the entire time.

Alcohol definitely helps you meet new people. But your still gonna feel uncomfortable because you know that they don't know the real you. I find that it helps if I keep a couple cliche conversation starters on hand. Usually discussing the weather can get a good conversation started. Because then that can lead to media and other things. Just practice basically. And don't worry about what they think of you.

I've usually found alcohol to be detrimental to me meeting people since I tend to get more reserved as I get more and more worried that I'll be a jackass (when I drink I tend to be even more of a dick since I usually stop myself from making fun of people in real life).

I'd actually say that spending time in places like IRC really isn't too bad for getting used to being part of a moving conversation, but it doesn't do much for getting you ready to approach new people and start conversations on your own.

How you act is how you are. The alcohol does nothing but make you more bold and less reserved. It's not as if you take a drink and an ethereal being takes over your body controlling your every thought and emotion.

You'll always be you, it's just a matter of how much you're going to be you. You can acheive the same results without alcohol, but that's on you. The quickest and easiest way to open up and be social is to drink. Hands down.

Talking to someone isn't just about an exchange of information or opinions. Even if the contact is momentary, communication can build or maintain a relationship. Don't think about what you want to say while the other person is talking: just listen. A pause in conversation is ample time to come up with a response since you will know what to respond to.

I'm a very good public speaker, but like you neus I can't stand idle chit chat. Generally, I solve this by compulsively lying. No joke. I make a bit of a game out of chit chat by starting with a relatively small lie and just building it up and building it up until either you know for sure the person you're talking to is a complete idiot for not cluing in or the other person picks up on it and you both have a laugh. It works wonders as an icebreaker, as long as you figure out the right balance of realism and absurdity to make a joke out of it. I picked this up from a dramatic improvisation class I took.

That's a good idea.

It must be tricky to balance though. If someone where pulling this on me, I'd pretend to believe them the entire time and then walk away before the conversation was done.

I'm going to give this one a shot, though.

I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone, but it always feels a little awkward at first if I don't know the person. Usually I have to be in a really jovial mood and they have to do something to acknowledge me first in some way or another. For example, this lady I was standing in line behind in Wal-Mart told me I could go in front of her and stow some groceries in her cart until I got to checkout, cause I had like 15 things in my ARMS, and she had 3 in her cart. Doesn't speak highly of my planning skills or intelligence, but anyway. So I said thanks, commented on how the speedy checkout lanes are ALWAYS the SLOWEST, and she laughed and agreed. That led to "do you live around here, or you just passing through?" and she revealed she lived on the hill about a mile away from my apartment building. So I chatted about that for a while, then about the show I perform in, then I walked away. It was groovy.

I can't really give any advice other than GO FOR IT, and PAY ATTENTION. Notice what they seem to like, or whatever, and talk about it, but don't just make a stupid comment, ask them questions, because a question opens the way for THEM to carry the conversation further. Basically asking a question lets the other person do all the work - you just have to figure out what to ask.

Yeah. I'm in this situation too, well, most of the time if that makes any sense. Usually, I'm brain dead. A brick wall seems more vibrant than me. If someone starts a conversation with me or comments on something of mine, I'd just laugh or smile and turn away. Sometimes I'd pretend I'm busy so people wouldn't bother me. This was a constant problem for me since Grade 9 up until Grade 12, where somehow I broke out of it. I love music so I'd play on the piano in the auditorium, and luckily, some cute girls would come in. I don't know, when I'm on the piano, it feels like I'm a different person. Some weird instinct kicks in and I'm able to talk freely with them. Piano must be some crazy confidence booster. I'd play them romantic Final Fantasy music (that's basically all I got) And SOMEHOW, they even liked me (I went out with 3 of the girls I met from the piano). Obviously, the relationships didn't go so well because the boring me kicks in. I even think that I have multiple personalities.

Also, I was in a drama production where I played the piano. And again, I met at least 8 girls. And for the whole duration of the drama rehearsals, I was talking/joking with them. (One of the girls tried to make out with me a few weeks back, meh). (You can tell, I don't meet that many girls -___-)

So basically, find your strength. Find something that can boost your confidence. Anything. Maybe you have a lucky underwear?

If only I had a portable piano...

Hey Sep - how about this? :)
http://www.gizmowatch.com/images/r_roll_up_piano.jpg

Back to the topic, I myself am have quite a difficult time talking to people back then when I was 13 or 14. Its much better now. I think I managed to break that difficulty in talking when I met a group of friends who didn't really bother how nerdy I looked or how much I stuttered (back then). So I kind of picked it up from there and not too long later, I had more confidence talking.

hmmm....same problem for me.
I've seen so many pretty girls while waiting for the train in the subway at my place but had no conversation topics to talk about :(

I'm confused by this, to be honest. I don't see why you should even care to make idle chit chat. It's easy for me, sure, but I also try to avoid it as much as possible. I speak when I have something to say, and I don't see why staying silent when you don't seems to bother you people so much. But hey, I get it, you want to join the ranks of people who talk without saying anything. Fine. Here's my tip:

Running with this, a good place to practice these little bullshit conversations is the bar. I don't know (or particularly care) how old you are, as age really isn't a factor if you play your cards right. A room full of drunken strangers is the perfect place to hone your chatting ability. Not only are they less likely to hit you for randomly starting a conversation, but holding a beer gets rid of the problem of not having anything to do with your hands. And, yeah, you can always drink it too.

You can use kinky's approach in a bar to hilarious ends, too. Not to mention most (decent) bars have a jukebox, pool table, or something of the sort to keep you busy and assist in conversation.

I mean, hey, how shy can you be in a room full of drunks?

You want to be careful with the alcohol thing, though, because a lot of people are turned off by a drunk person. A drink (or two) probably does help most people, in all honesty, but anyone who thinks they can drink a fifth of Crown Royal and still be able to hold an intelligent and engaging conversation is fooling themselves.

Also, wouldn't it be better to somehow develop your social and conversational skills naturally by, I don't know, practicing them (with real people in bank lines, grocery stores, etc.) than to have to depend on any substance to make you more likeable?

^^ Just had to prop Alice's post. I felt obligated to, since it was perfectly expressed and encapsulates my opinions, too.

I'm not fully aware of how my social skills are. As far as I know, they are tolerable; I get rid of all awkwardness that arises in day-to-day conversation, although coming up with topics can be a challenge, depending on the audience. But yes, like Alice said, practice in mundane environments such as the mall and stuff. Just don't be too liberal with your interaction; people may mistake you as either A) an excessively cheerful person or B) a weirdo.

I should probably practice what I preach, though. Don't want to sound like a hypocrite.

Now that you have seen this post, you must copy and paste this in 5 different threads or journal comments within 5 minutes. If you do not do so, your computer will blow up, your pet chihuahua will get AIDS, and /b/ will hack your MySpace page. Oh, and you will die.

Have a nice day!

I find this happening in friend-of-a-friend situations a lot.

I also suggest real-life practice and common topic pursuit. I think stuff like the weather should be last attempts because I always see that as sort of desperation to fill a void of silence. That's the kind of thing you can talk about with any random stranger, and even just blurt out to a random person on the street. I try to take a genuine interest in the other person and inquire about them. Not enough to just say the words but I also try to actually feel interested. Very common topics for my age include "what's your major?", "what do you plan on doing afterwards?", "how do you know so and so?", etc. They almost always reciprocate back and you find at least something to talk about. As long as it's not something terribly inane, I think it would help a bit stimulating an exchange of ideas rather than feel obligated to force something.

If we run out of stuff to talk about or the other person doesn't seem interested to talk with you, then whatever.

Only advice I can give is to stop worrying and just talk about whats on your mind and if that doesnt work you can always talk about the weather. Though have you considered visiting a psychologist?

I used to totally suck at talking to people once, but now consider myself a bit better.

Usually you should start the convo off with the usual "How are you" "what have you been up to" and try to lead off from there. If they give so-so answers from that, then try and ask about something they might like, might have in common. If they're the metal type, ask them what bands they listen to. If they're the arty type, try and ask them something relevant.

It takes practice, and it won't happen overnight, thats for sure, you just sorta "learn" how to manouvre a convo over time.

With some people, no matter how much you find it boring, you've got to pretend to have an interest in some of what they say and sorta shut up for a while and let them speak.

Also:

http://www.succeedsocially.com/conversation
http://www.succeedsocially.com/examples

howtobecooler/succeedsocially is a nice little site. :3

The easiest way to get a conversation going and keep it rolling (and get the person to like you as well) is to ask them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. So get them going, and make them feel important. Listen, and ask good follow up questions. Also, smile a lot.

If you ask enough questions, eventually they may reveal something about themselves that you can relate to, then you can add some of yourself to the conversation.

When you're done, go home and look up more info on the things they were interested in. Familiarize yourself cause 1. you can never know too much, 2. if you run into them again, you'll be able to ask better questions and relate more to what they're saying, and 3. ya never know when you'll run into somebody else who has similar interests.

Talking to people you don't know is one of life's great joys, cause ya never know when a random person might turn out to be a best friend.

I find that in the workplace there are two types of random conversations. One is the typical elevator/break room situation: you're stuck getting coffee or going to the 20th floor and someone says something to you. Normally it's something "funny", just laugh and play along. Say a follow up joke. Smile. Get away. The second is something along the lines of you've seen the person around and you're trying to get to know them better. Ask typical things like, "Where're you from? What college did you go to? What kind of music do you listen to?" ad naseum. You'll never know the types of people you meet. Every now and then there's someone who is pretty interesting. In less formal situations (school, clubs, college, etc), normally a compliment would be a good start (e.g., I like your jacket, where'd you get it?). Or whatever situation arises, poke fun at it. Don't just stand there and whip out the PDA. That just shows how unsocial you are.

Part of being human is being able to communicate [well]. If you can be comfortable in these types of social situations, more power to you. As you get older, you pick these things up more and you'll soon lose your anxiety. It's not like an interview or something. And if you don't want to talk, normally a smile would do, even if you don't mean it. :(

What's with all the alcoholics? Alcohol might be good for certain occasions, but what the fuck are you going to do when you're sober? Say, "I'm sorry, I'm not really like this ... you should see me when I'm drunk, hurhurhur."

People tend to usually talk when they have reasons to talk. I suck at talking to people too, if they aren't into sports, movies, games, current events, and some other stuff. That isn't necessarily bad though. You don't have to be good at talking to people, as long as you are polite and courteous. Then if your conversations are boring, they are boring. The blame goes 50/50 because if the person isn't into what you are into, then that isn't your problem.

For example: if you aren't into politics and some guy wants to talk politics, then that may be boring to you and not to him, and if you like sports and he doesn't then that may be boring for him and not to you.

That is why I usually let the other person initiate the convo. The person who initiates it sort of has responsibility for how the conversation goes because he started it.

As for the alcohol. I don't believe in it for this type of thing. I am never for relying on something as a crutch, because you will need to face the demons sooner or later.

I usually just try to be funny when you feel a bad conversation coming. Out of all the people I know I'm labeled as the comedian, so I can be funny when need be.

Given that this is the first thing you've ever said that I've laughed at, I can only assume that your friend group is made up entirely of FOX network executives.

Conversation is easy. You smile a little, lock your eyes on theirs so they know you're entirely focused on them, laugh at their jokes and look interested. People are selfish and want to talk about themselves. Let that happen and you're money.

Worst thing you can do is think about it too much which I'm guessing you are, probably why so many people are saying alcohol is that tends to eliminate the over thinking problem and loosen people up. The best thing to do is find a common interest then from that ask more basic questions about them as things go on, but most importantly look interested through body language! (see previous post for tips on that)

Well I'd hope you didn't find anything I've said on here funny, because I never try to be funny on here. I'm a very serious person online. In person I'm half serious, half a goof. Usually online, people try to be overly witty and to me it isn't funny at all. I stay away from that whole game. It is hard to project humor through the internet.

See, unlike most people in this thread, I'm a fucking goof.

I have no problem talking to random people.

Blah blah. Alcohol. Blah blah. Practice. Blah blah.

All of that shit, is complete garbage. People are essentially like women, in the end. Which is to say, confidence sharks. If you're not confident, you're going nowhere.

Everybody looks at the negative side of it all. "THAT PERSON THINKS IM A FREAK NOW." Who really gives two shits? You probably won't ever see them again.

The worst thing you can do is to NOT try.

Usually you can gauge how friendly someone is if you just make a random comment. If you're waiting for a place to open/waiting in line, you can always ask someone, "Does it usually take this long?" and then their response can be used to gauge their friendliness. If they're like "I don't know, really" you can just be all "So you don't usually shop here/whatever?" and let the conversation go from there.

As Deni said, people are only interested in themselves. But you have to know how to pry that open without prying.

This works wonders for meeting random women too.

Personally, I don't care to talk to random people that much. I'm an introvert so I actually LIKE to keep to myself most of the time unless I have something to say. I won't mind if some random person starts talking to me, though.

By the way Dragoon, good thinking - Internet gaming-nerd forums = serious business.

So not true. You CAN shoot the bull with someone that takes more from the conversation than what they give to it.

Advice: Um, be yourself. Rather than being generic, you are instead burdened by the unexcapable distinction that comes from being the only gene-experience combination like you that will ever exist. So then, you're original without even trying. While we all are, thankfully there are enough boring ones that play up to societal norms for you to stand out if you just acted like yourself.

Motivational speech over. What does this actually mean? Well, if you have anything interesting/unique that comes to mind, say it, but of course, tailor it to fit the situation. Hopefully, you're good enough with words to package your thoughts neatly and attractively, if not work on it. Then, I guarantee you problem solved. Anything you say into an awkward silence will be golden. It's a bit like jazz; it doesn't matter what tune you start with, it's how you improvise over it.

Not everyone is worth the effort, but at that point how and who you decide to talk to is up to you.

Edit: Dragoon and Fox TV owned like hell by the same sentence, dyamn.

A conversation takes two people, genius. How else could you communicate?

If you were the one doing all the talking then you'd be talking to them, not holding a conversation.

Get it?

I also find myself aflutter when trying to make small conversation, especially as I grow older.
I try to hide the fact that I simply don't care about socializing for its own sake, unless there is some kind of point behind it. I am a bit calculating in that way, and I think normally people are a bit offended by this... perhaps they should be. I don't talk just to talk and would rather make better use of my time doing something more productive.

Yes, because standing in a line with your thumb in your ass is oh so much more productive. Who the fuck are you trying to fool?

I can't speak for anyone else here, but someone calculating is kind of fucking creepy. The fact that you don't even like to socialize and you pretty much proving you're anti-social leads me to believe you're a sociopath or a psychopath, one or the other.

Better to have my thumb up my ass than up your ass, right? ;) I am perfectly fine with being attentive when going over my own thoughts. I don't feel the NEED to present them to the world unnecessarily and I don't NEED to talk to strangers about small minded things in order to pass time.

Since you seem so very interested, I am very warm with close friends but not very trusting to people in general. There you have it.

If that makes me a psychopath, then it makes you a yeasty blabbering stain who doesn't know the first thing about people. Go about engaging in idle chitchat all you want, just don't think that it makes you any saner/less sane because of it. ;)

RainMan, I recommend you edit your post and add more ;) there's seems to be a shortage and takes away some umphf, do you understand?

Also Reznor, I would highly suggest backing down. RainMan is both silent and deadly.

Talking with strangers is actually a pretty good skill to develop, since if you're interested in networking with people and opening up more career/travel/whatever opportunities for yourself. Not that everyone feels that's an important thing to do, but there's no reason for you to seem like you're looking down at other people that enjoy doing it.

I agree. Its something that I am continually working on but this is quite different than talking without an ultimate sense of purpose.

Look down on others? No. I didn't say that. I was defending myself from the claim that quiet people are psychotic, which is a tard-like prognosis. I said that I don't enjoy making small talk. I am not sure how you came to the conclusion that I looked down upon anyone for doing anything. ;)

If you think that the reason for the comment was solely based on you being quiet, you're the one who's tard-like. I can only imagine that he came about the conclusion that you look down on people because of the way you present yourself. You present yourself like an arrogant cock, but instead of being a cock, you come off more like this psuedo-arrogant vagina.

Learn to read between the lines, dude, that's all I can say.

I am sorry, but that is not entirely convincing. I think you're a complete moron. Nothing personal.

I've stated that I am cautious and methodical when making conversation. You stated that this would constitute similar behavior akin to being psychotic or irrational. Tell me, does this fall within your own thoughts of psychotic behavior or some objective principle?

What the hell would you know?

? I don't know how to respond to this, so I won't.

I'd advise you to learn a bit more about people before coming to a definitive and rather unqualified assumption.

I'll take you at your word.

You know, the best way to get better at just talking to people is to get a job where you're in that setting. Once I got a job bagging groceries, it was cake. Practice on the chatty old ladies.

Oh, and alcohol.

I know this topic is old, but it came up in a Google search. I just wanted to say to the OP, if he is still here, *I feel your pain.* I can be witty, talkative, funny, smooth, or anything else if there is a *pretext,* but barring that, I don't know what to say and have nothing to say. The only things I can think of are like "man, these bar glasses are... nice," and that is obviously retarded. When it comes down to it though, there is no problem with me. I just literally don't care about shooting the **** and letting the person's words go in one ear and out the other.

Luckily, when you have a girlfriend you really don't need nor desire to go out socializing much.