How do u tell a guy that you don't want a relationship with him without hurting him?
 

I am working at a bank and met someone there. At first it was a casual friendship that consisted of small talks, email, friendster, and chats. But later, he started to send hints about dating and getting into a relationship.

How do I tell him that I don't want a relationship without hurting him? I don't want him to get hurt because he is epileptic and if anything happens to him (God forbid) I don't want to be the cause of it.....

Even so, you should just tell him straight out that you're not interested. It might be harsh, but it's the most decent thing to do. And I'm positive it won't cause any epileptic seizures. If you hurt him or not depends on how deeply he's fallen for you. If it's deep then it might be unavoidable. Better get it done with as quickly as possible. If he's a decent enough guy I'm sure he'll understand.

I would have to agree. The sooner the better. Just make sure you don't raise your voice or respond in a way that could be perceived very negatively.

So how do I go about it? I know I should tell him, but it's the choice of words which matters....

If you want to do it subtly you could say somthing like "You're a great friend. You're like big brother(or "little brother" if he's younger) to me". That should make him start thinking about what kind of relationship you two have. If he doesn't catch the drift you should try telling him in a more direct manner.

However, I don't know exactly what you should tell him. It all depends on the cicumstances, I guess. Just try not to let him guess too much since that might confuse him. I've done it quite recently, actually, with a girl who told me she liked me. I told her directly how I felt about the situation and it eventually turned out ok.:

http://www.gamingforce.com/forums/qu...ght=pre+couple

Ouch, don't do that. You might as well just kick him in the crotch.

I say just be straightforward, but calm and not mean.

Haha, yeah, I know. But I couldn't find any other alternative to saying something w/o actually saying it directly. I also think saying it directly is the best course of action in this matter.

I wouldn't have thought that telling someone that you don't want to be in a relationship with them would send them into a fit, unless they take it really badly, but even then...

Tell him straight that you're not interested in dating him. There is no good dancing around it and trying to avoid the matter. The longer he thinks that he has a glimmer of hope of getting together with you, the worse it will be when you tell him that your not interested in taking the friendship to the next level.

Tell him somewhere public, like a cafe, or maybe even a pub. Make sure that you tell him that it is only for a drink and that you have something that you would like to talk to him about. Don't tell him at work. This would make it really difficult for both you and him, especially for him if your work colleagues hear you telling him. He would never hear the end of it.

Talk to him about your boyfriend. (Whether he's real or not is up to you).

I think the significant other lie works well for short term, but if he's stalkerish he might end up investigating the truth to your claim. Better come off and say, "I'm sorry; I like you as a friend." But say it carefully and with the intention in your voice that comes off nicely and not meanly. No matter what you say, though, it's gonna hurt him so you're better off just telling him outright how you feel.

I had to do that once, and I did it just like I said in this post. Except I did it right before he was going to take me out for lunch, which is also bad because I was leading him on before then - but anyway, do it before he believes he has a chance with you. Fyi, the guy never talked to me again. =\

Just straight up tell him how you feel. Trust me, us guys just like to hear it without a lot of BS even if it isn't what we want :P

This is what so many guys hate about girls and relationships... they beat around the bush and never say what they mean.

HELLO! The most hurtful thing you can do is to NOT BE CLEAR and thus lead the guy on! Just say it as directly as possible.

Yeah, don't worry about "not hurting him" guys are pretty resilient.

Just be straight forward. I fucking hate it, girls are always like "well, I didn't want to hurt him." Fuck that, say what you mean and mean what you say, stop pussy-footing around the subject.

By giving in and leading him on, you're only going to make it worse.

Yeah, I second that. You'll probably hurt his feelings more by trying not to hurt him. Just tell him the truth and don't look back. In the end, you'll both appreciate the honesty more. The longer you drag this out, the worse things will end up.

Like already mentioned, the only thing worse than letting him know ASAP where you stand is leading him on. Just get it over with quick.

How? Find the most tactful way you can think of. There's no way you can pull it off without hurting him to some degree, but you should know what's best. Usually the "I really want to be your friend though!" shit can work. Though it sounds like a straight-out lie, a lot of guys tend to see it as a way to remain in your life and, if they feel strongly enough about you, win you over in some time.

Either way, you're going to hurt him, its obvious. End it as fast as you can and be as blunt as you can. From ambiguity comes hope, and hope is misleading. If you cut all strings and leave no oppurtunity for "maybe in the future," and you stop flirting and don't lead him on, you'll both be much better off.

This is from experience.

Tell him you're into taller, manlier guys, or that you only stick to your 'race.' Be as mean as possible so that he won't get the wrong idea. It's a good idea to, after this point, make a joke or change the subject to lighten the atmosphere. It's also a good idea to do this over the Internet or on AIM to prevent any kind of physical or verbal retaliation.

Be as honest as possible, if he's not a psycho who can't handle rejection, he'll be able to deal with it. Hell, if you got some single friends introduce him to them so that it's easier for him to get you out of his system and move on to another broad.

How about a picture of your 23 year old lil self?

Ahh, there's no way to be nice about it. Either the guy is stable and decent enough to take it well even if you blow him off in a nasty way, or he's a whiny little jerk and he will take it badly no matter how well you put it.

Unless you're in any doubts just say "I know you're interested in me, but I just don't want a relationship with you. You're a good friend, but that's all."

The way he takes it is entirely a matter of his own personality. Not a thing you can do about it. Night Phoenix is dead right. I wouldn't necessarily listen to Kurado's advice in this matter, though.

hahahaha u wish....

Just breathe in, look him in the eye and say, 'Sorry, but it's never going to happen'. Then laugh.

Hell you mean I wish? I've seen the likes of Niku, nadienne, Ava Lilly and Mina, all I'm after now is satisfying my curiosity as to what this guy sees in you.

Being a guy who's heard it all in the way of rejection, I say just be straight forward and honest. He will appreciate that much more than you trying to treat him like a lost puppy dog. It's not mean to just simply tell him how you feel. Do not tell him he reminds you of your brother. That is just awkward and lame.

Men, unlike us gals, likes to shoot straight from the hip. Not really into the whole "lets be friends" gig. I agree with many others here. Nothing wrong with good old fashioned honesty. Just don't be..hmm how to say this...motherly or maternal like when delivering the news. I think alot of times women tend to be that way when we're giving bad news. Deliver it like you would in any general conversation and move on to something else.

Stop deviating from the issue. I am asking from advice and will certainly not post a picture, so keep being curious... after all, it kills the cat.

You do realize he's only playing around, right?

Don't take your thread so seriously, woman. He meant no harm, and I think it's evident to everyone.

And since I've been watching this thread for a while, I figure now that I'm here, I may as well tell you the obvious.

Don't lead him on. Tell him straight out that you'd like to be friends, but there's no chance of anything else developing from your friendship. You enjoy the time you spend together and you would like to continue that as friends - but strictly as that.

If he can't maintain an emotional distance, don't give in and cause him trouble. Spend some time away from him to let him cool off.

You'll probably hurt him (minorly) in a small way. But life is full of rejection. If he can't take it very well, all the better that you don't get involved in a relationship with the guy.

Also, I am assuming you're about 22-23 years old? Interesting.

Did the 1983 in the username tip you off, Sass?

Also, how is it that you've gotten to be that age and not learned how to either abate or avoid men? 22-year-old women are usually well versed in this activity.

not when u come from a rather conservative country

but thanks to all for your advices, i'm sure i'd be able to benefit from them.

Yeah, saying that is like a kick in the balls at times. The way that I see it, tell him nicely, if he doesn't like it and starts bawling, tap in the ball and tell "Grow up Peter Pan"

This is definetly the correct route to go.
Better yet, make it an ex-boyfriend. Not even kidding.

Nobody in their right mind wants to deal with a girl who hasn't gotten over her fuckin' ex. TRUST ME

Rocket has the right idea that works.. Usually that gives me the signal to stop going after someone unless I feel like giving myself a challenge then you just fucked yourself more.

Or he can try to "White Knight" it...

Tell him that you were attracted to him initially, but because he waited so long to make a pass at you, you came to see him more as a friend, and lost sexual attraction for him. This is true of 90% of cases of women receiving unwanted romantic interest from male "friends".

He can't accuse you of leading him on. It was his fault he waited too long to express his romantic interest (showing that he wasn't confident about what he had to offer from a romantic point of view). At least he will learn what he did wrong and his ego will receive a small boost from the fact that you were attracted initially.

Anybody who wants to date their friends probably would want to date somebody who hasn't gotten over their fuckin' ex. That's not to say that those people are in their right mind, of course...

I think Shape here has some pretty good shit. You'll have to fight hard to keep a straight face saying it to the guy, but an ego boost has wonderful healing properties.

I also have to agree with rocket. Guys love to spout that "just tell us the truth" business, but in reality, that rarely goes over well. At all. I've tried it at least twice, and I did it in as nice a way as humanly possible, and both times it ended in total disaster. It takes a very mature person to not get defensive when a person tells them that they just aren't attracted to them in that way. Just start occasionally mentioning a boyfriend.

Okay, this could be a mistake, here, but your time zone says you're on the east coast of the USA.

You want to explain to me how the east coast of the US is a conservative country?

And yea, at 22, you really should know how to turn a guy down at this point - even if you're from a "conservative country." I mean, you're implying you're conservative. Doesn't that involve saying a lot of the word "no?"

Apparently the conservative Christian constituency in this country has trouble with not saying "yes." Which leads me to believe there's a huge sexual counter-culture that is kept from the public eye by the church.

Give her a break, guys. You are really in no position telling her what she should and should not be able to do by now. Everyone has their own reasons for everything and she IS trying to do something about it, you know?

If you must know, I am asian, and am not living in the US. Why my time zone says I'm on US's east coast, I don't know.

Woman, if only I know half as much as you do - on how to turn a guy down nicely and properly, I would not need to seek for advice in this forum now, would I?

Foot in mouth disease can be a contagious thing. Hell, I'm all for people seeking advice, it's better than making a mistake or feeling like you were wrong in your attempts. It always helps when someone agrees with your mindset in a tough decision.

Have you told him yet?

Why don't you like him? I'm gonna go ahead and take the stance of the wounded love seeker here.

It's probably a lack of physical attraction. That's what it usually is, I think. That's my guess, anyway.

The last girl I asked out for a date hesitated and then responded with, "I'm sorta kinda seeing someone". Now who am I to say she's lying? But if you asked me, I would say she's lying. I still say honesty is the best policy. That way, it leaves very little room for confusion or misinterpretation. Honesty doesn't have to be callous. And while there are some guys who can't handle rejection and get offensively-defensive, that doesn't mean you should "cover it up" every time some dude asks for a date. There are some mature guys out there who don't take rejection as a personal insult.

Some being the word. jk. I agree for the sake of the lie being brought to the surface. Honesty never is pretty but it is effective and solid. And sincerely, how he responds may actually alter your opinion of him...strange isn't it? If he pouts and acts like a huge baby, you're thinking thank god got rid of that one, but if he actually takes it maturely and with good face, it might make a female look twice. We are strange people.

Not everyone can look like you, Alice.

To the topic at hand - the best way to go about telling him "no" is being as blunt and forward as possible. Leaving gray areas or false hope will only make things harder and its best to stamp him out while it's early before it ends up being a forrest fire.

What, crows feet and arthritic knuckles? Anyway, physical attraction is rarely about looks. At least that's been my experience.

As already previously mentioned many times, perhaps the best way to go about this is to be straightforward. There's really no point in not telling him exactly how you feel about the situation because truthfully, this guy must want your honest opinion. What point would it serve for you to beat around the bush? The whole feeling of having gotten it off your chest won't happen if you're not honest with him.

Of course, there's no need to be harsh about it per se...there's certainly humane ways of going about these types of things :P

yes that is impossible he is going to be hurt at some extent. So that isn't really what you should be worried about. He should be mature enough to understand that, hey you just don't feel that way and there are other fish in the sea. He should understand that if your were to get into a relationship with him out of pitty, it would be a big lie and you will both be hurt even more...hehe damn i gotta remember that myself :S

There is no "nice way" to do it. As everyone said before, he's going to end up hurt no matter how you word it. The only thing nice to do is not drag it on forever and a day (Again, already stated). Just tell him you're not interested. He'll only get more psycho nuts the longer you take to tell him. Of course, this would have been nipped in the bud if when you started spending time together if you had made mention of not wanting a relationship.

Wow! That is exactly what happened to me last week. I would also say she was probably lying. But it did get me off her back quite a bit. I would suggest that being the best way. It will shock him but take him down slowly as well.