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Lady Miyomi Mar 8, 2006 06:33 PM

The "SEE ME" friends...
 
I have a couple of my friends that are afflicted badly with the "SEE ME" disease. Everything is about them and only them. It's hard talking to them because all they want to do is talk about themselves.

For instance, one of my friends, all he does is talk to me when he wants me to do something. Every time I talk to him, the conversation revolves solely around him and his little world. The minute I try to interject something about myself or about something else, somehow he snatches the conversation back to himself.

Granted, he wasn't always like this as long as I've known him. It's like he's getting worse and worse. I don't want to be mean to him, but I'm tired of hearing about him all the time and I'm tired of be used for commentaries and tasks.

What have you done about friends like this?

Marco Mar 8, 2006 07:03 PM

I have never had any friends like this (I am too much of an ass hole, they would never stand me).

My girlfriend, though, who is an exceedingly nice person, has had a friend just like that. It was a terrible situation. Her "see me" friend had strict parents, who would not allow her to see boys. What she would do was ask my girlfriend out, then tell her parents that she was going out with her, meet up with a boy, and then just make out with him for a few hours while my girlfriend just hung around.

How horrible is that?

She also fucked her prom up by being an ass hole.

My girlfriend eventually got rid of her "SEE ME" friend by being less nice. I guess some of my attitude rubbed off into her. My girlfriend was sad all the while losing her friend, but she's gotten over her and today feels very positive about the way things went down.

So, I guess what I mean to say is that, tell your friend how shit is going. If he doesn't like it, too bad. :-/

Lee-chan Mar 8, 2006 08:46 PM

I'd think that this is a symptom of a lack of a healthy, consistent method of self-expression. Unless you're feeling adventurous and like to play shrink, I'd just inform him of his habit and ask him to stop. Explain to him that it's impeding your relationship and just makes him sucky to hang around. Hopefully that'll get him to come around.

Winter Storm Mar 8, 2006 09:13 PM

I've been working on this huge flaw for a couple of months now. Yes - its the ultimate thing that will kill friendships. Part of it comes from lack of social activity. You start to feel that YOU are the only thing that might be interesting to talk about. Another reason can come from generally having nothing to talk about. In your case, atleast you wanted to talk about different things so perhaps this how he wants to be and has no interest in anything about you or your daily happenings. Many many friends have left me over this, I can tell you what you can do to remedy the situation. First off, you have to tell him up front about it. If he persists then when he starts talking about himself, you can fade out of conversation and go about your business. Having done this enough times he may began to get the picture and try to work on his self absorbedness. You have to make him aware of it because I know I wasn't until one of my friends blew up on me about it and she's long gone now.

DeLorean Mar 8, 2006 09:22 PM

I think I may be guilty fo this myself, but I am making an effort not to, and I am aware of it when I do it, so I don't think I'm as bad as your friend. I think you need a 3rd wheel to come in and put him in line, so its not at the expense of your friendship!

Lady Miyomi Mar 8, 2006 09:56 PM

gukarma ~ I've tried the less-nice approach. My annoyance was very blantant and there was no way it could've been missed. However, being that this guy is consumed with himself (and his appearance), it went in one ear and out the other...

Lee-chan ~ Before I can explain something of that magnitude to him, I think I should find out if I'm considered his friend vs. his comment box. Isn't that more important? That way, if he considers me more of a comment box, then I do something else. But the question is, what else can I do?

Winter Storm ~ Hey there! Somehow I don't think you're as bad as he is. He now earns the title of obnoxious. I've never met someone who CONSTANTLY controls EVERY conversation the way he does. It's just...unreal. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes there's a world around him filled with other people. I've tried to tell him about his behavior, but somehow the conversation gets off topic and back onto him and what he wants to talk about (himself). I really don't know how else to get his attention...

Delorean ~ Nobody is as bad as he is. Should I get one of my other friends to speak to him? Is that what you're telling me?

QuarX Mar 8, 2006 10:16 PM

What's a buncha friends without a black sheep? Anyway, this one looks like he needs trimming, always meet him with somebody to back you up and whenever he brings himself ... laugh your guts out :biggrin: (of course inform the other friend/s about the routine). We did that with one of our well known college See Me-s and he soon realized what was going on and toned down. (We made him promise to ask everyone how are they doing and listen to the replies - and boy the long replies we gave :D)

Lady Miyomi Mar 8, 2006 10:20 PM

Hahaha, that sounds like a winner! Now I gotta introduce him to one of my other friends.

Drexlerfan22 Mar 9, 2006 12:18 AM

I've actually been told I have the opposite problem... most people (my girlfriend even) insist that I never talk about myself enough... I always berate everyone I talk to with questions about them, endlessly, and usually I never get around to talking about me. I certainly didn't realize that until it was pointed out to me.

I've gotten better at talking about myself to my girlfriend, and I'm hoping I'll be able to expand it a little more into other people. I think maybe I never did before because I consider myself kinda boring... but I'm told I'm actually quite interesting. I don't know... I think that's just people reading too much into my mysteriousness, which results from me not talking lol. Nice little paradox there. Be interesting by saying nothing! :D

kat Mar 9, 2006 01:28 AM

I have a friend like this. She's an only child and her parents are freakishly overprotective of her so I can see where it comes from.

Personally most friends with problems like these and others, I just crop them up to their flaws. I'm not dating them and I have other friends so if they have a failing or two that doesn't impede the friendship to such a level I can't stand, then I just let it slide most of the time. I just don't think it's worth the drama and conflict to tell them. In the rare cases I'm close enough to someone where it's gotten to such a point, I will tell them but usually in a 3rd person perspective. Like that it's not my problem but it will be a problem that most people will not approve of. Or this one time where I said to my friend that her mom probably wouldn't approve of it (she had a tendency to start texting people in the middle of conversations with you), since I knew her mom and I knew she would have taught her daughter better.

Eleo Mar 9, 2006 02:22 AM

I don't have any friends as self-cented as this, but I do have friends who will not let me speak when they engage in conversation with me. They kind of people who ask you a question, but before you can actually finish answering and saying everything you'd like to, they interrupt you and try to finish your thoughts. Sometimes you can correct them but sometimes they interrupt you while you try to correct them.

After a while I kind of just give up and let them hear themselves talk for as long as they like.

That's why I prefer to write e-mails. I can say as much as I want, the way I want, and no one can verbally interrupt me.

Lady Miyomi Mar 9, 2006 12:11 PM

So, writing emails to my friend would be better than actually talking to him? I wish I could try that, but he won't give me his email. :(

Lee-chan Mar 9, 2006 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Miyomi
Before I can explain something of that magnitude to him, I think I should find out if I'm considered his friend vs. his comment box. Isn't that more important? That way, if he considers me more of a comment box, then I do something else. But the question is, what else can I do?

I agree on finding out exactly what he considers you as first. If you can't sit this guy down and have a serious conversation about this, then you probably do need to drop him.

If there's hope for him, you'll know after talking and you can possibly work on getting him to change his behavior - or at least realize what it is.

ComCrimson Mar 9, 2006 01:01 PM

Oh i had a friend that used to do this. Everytime i spoke to him he would just babble on and on about what he and his other friends got up to and all his 'problems' or anything that was going on in his life. But as soon as i tried to say anything about me the answer i would get would usualy just be a 'Yeah, ok' and then he would babble on about himself again forever. Needless to say, i got rid of him. Pretty ugly fight we got into and we haven't spoken in well over a year besides the occasional char in 'Random Thoughts' on another forum i visit.

I suppose i currently have a friend like this at the moment, he doesn't really care about anything i have to say about me, but i have to care about what he says. I deal with it though, he's not as bad as my old friend who i got rid of so it's all good.

Hydra Mar 9, 2006 04:46 PM

Sometimes the best way to get someone to care about anyone other than themself is to ask them something important about yourself. If they don't know it, you've made your point.

I've never been able to spend any length of time with people who can't talk about anything besides themself, even though I fall into that habit occasionaly. Sometimes it's hard to keep what's filling your mind from spewing from your mouth, eh?

Dee Mar 9, 2006 09:09 PM

I would just ignore them. I work with someone like this, and it's best to make him know that you have your own say too. It's far too annoying to come to work hearing him talk about stuff you basically could give a rat's ass about. So just ignore him, don't listen to him, and he'll get the message.

Lady Miyomi Mar 9, 2006 10:14 PM

Lee-chan ~ So, should I ask him point blank? I actually think there is hope for him, that's why I've been tolerating it this long. There was a point in time when all our conversations didn't revolve around him. I'm thinking maybe he has some self-esteem issues. However, if he gets any worse, I'll have no choice but to drop him. But I really don't want to do that because he is a decent person...

ComCrimson ~ When you got rid of your friend, was it the fight that caused it or did you let him know ahead of time and then the fight happened?

Hydra ~ I'm a little iffy on this because he's gotten quite "talkative" lately. Should I have to drop him, I don't want my important business out in public.

Dee ~ I've tried that, I've even tried being rude. In one ear and out the other. I've never met a person like this before. It's weird.

Lee-chan Mar 9, 2006 10:28 PM

You say that this is a recent thing, so it seems to me that maybe he's been through something you don't know about? I mean, obviously something has changed.

Well, beating around the bush won't work with this guy. Be aggressive, be direct - but make it clear you're doing this because you're friends, and that you're not just attacking him.

Lady Miyomi Mar 10, 2006 03:57 AM

If he has been through something, how can I get him to tell me? He's notorious for shutting down on stuff that bothers him.

Lee-chan Mar 10, 2006 08:00 AM

That would be the difficult part. As an introvert myself, I know how that works. He won't tell you what he doesn't want to. At this point, I think that you should ask him about it; if he doesn't tell you, then offer to be there for them if he does.

Then again, it's entirely possible that nothing traumatic has happened and somehow, he just figured that acting the way he does not would make him likable. If you think that's a possiblility, then you so inform him that it's really not working.

Misogynyst Gynecologist Mar 10, 2006 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Miyomi
I have a couple of my friends that are afflicted badly with the "SEE ME" disease. Everything is about them and only them. It's hard talking to them because all they want to do is talk about themselves.

I love the fact that a thread about narcissism starts off with narcissistic overtones.

Alice Mar 10, 2006 09:40 AM

Everyone's favorite subject is themselves. It's the first thing they teach you in those "How to Win Friends and Influence People" programs, or if you're in sales of any kind. It's a basic flaw among pretty much all humans.

Hydra Mar 10, 2006 02:33 PM

Indeed. Which is why advertisers use slogans like "because you're worth it" and "What have you done for You today?"

Vida Eterna Mar 15, 2006 08:32 PM

How old are you, Lady Miyomi? I'd say from the sound of your friend, that sounds like very high-school-esque behaviour. And if I'm right then I think you may find these are the kind of friends that you wont stick around with after you leave school. Just from my own experience - these are the kind of people that have alot of growing up to do. It's typical highschool behaviour to be completely self obsessed.

I wouldn't worry about it too much at this point - there is that chance that he will grow up soon. If he's really that bad, he may find himself without many friends fairly soon and will probably be forced to grow up.

However, if I'm misreading and you're older than being at school, you maybe just need to lose this friend altogether! Or at least "downsize" your friendship with him!

Lady Miyomi Mar 15, 2006 08:40 PM

I'm 27 and he's around my age as well. I've pretty much stopped making myself available to him. It appears to be working. Thanks for the advice, though. :)

Vida Eterna Mar 15, 2006 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Miyomi
I'm 27 and he's around my age as well. I've pretty much stopped making myself available to him. It appears to be working. Thanks for the advice, though. :)

Considering he is around the same age I'd say that was the best possible thing to do, in my opinion! Sorry for being presumptious it was based on his behaviour you were describing, nothing else!

Lady Miyomi Mar 15, 2006 09:11 PM

Oh no, you're fine! Most people think he's high-school age when I describe his behavior, but no, he's around the same age as me. Well, the good thing is I don't have to hear repetitive about only one subject, him. I can actually listen to my other friends now. :)

Summonmaster Mar 16, 2006 11:44 PM

Going off on a related tangent here, but this reminds me strongly of a situation that I have with my friend.
I'm really talkative with her and she sounds genuinely interested in what I have to say. As well, she talks about lots of stuff with me too. However, if another friend of hers joins the two of us, then she'll totally ignore me and talk exclusively to the friend. Even if the other person is friendly and tries to get me involved again in the conversation, my friend will totally divert her attention to the other person and forget about me until the other person leaves.

Lady Miyomi Mar 17, 2006 12:13 AM

My friend is like this as well. If other people he knows are around, he'll totally ignore me. It doesn't bother me anymore because I backed off of him. I'm beginning to not care if he ever talks to me again.

mifune_trail Mar 17, 2006 12:42 AM

So you have kinda "backed-off" a bit? If so then that's good. Self-centred people shouldn't be called friends, coz the care abut them NOT YOU. I'd prefer tobe lonely and longing for someone, rather than crumbling and grumbling everyday about how bad or this or that he (or even she) was... Hehehe...

Lady Miyomi Mar 17, 2006 01:30 AM

Yes, I've already backed off of him. He basically proved mine and your point by not speaking to me the past week or so unless I initiate conversation. If he doesn't say anything the rest of the month, that's fine. If he doesn't say anything the rest of the year, that's even better. More time for me with my other friends! :D

FallDragon Mar 17, 2006 02:29 AM

Quote:

If he doesn't say anything the rest of the month, that's fine. If he doesn't say anything the rest of the year, that's even better. More time for me with my other friends!
I can see how this guy can be irritating, but don't let it bother you too much. I mean it really depends on if you'd like him as a friend or not. He probably has some reason in the past for the way he acts, it's not just to irritate you or others heh. Though, it gets under my skin when people don't initiate conversation with me at least some of the time; I don't want to be the one doing all the work. Seems like he doesn't value a friendship with you very much, so I'd just think of him as an acquaintance.

Lady Miyomi Mar 17, 2006 02:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallDragon
I can see how this guy can be irritating, but don't let it bother you too much. I mean it really depends on if you'd like him as a friend or not. He probably has some reason in the past for the way he acts, it's not just to irritate you or others heh. Though, it gets under my skin when people don't initiate conversation with me at least some of the time; I don't want to be the one doing all the work. Seems like he doesn't value a friendship with you very much, so I'd just think of him as an acquaintance.

Yeah, I should drop him down a level, like below everybody else. Acquaintance sounds better than friend. He deserves it. :)

It doesn't really bother me that he doesn't initiate conversation that much anymore. Usually when he does, it's something about him or what he's doing. It's actually a good thing that he isn't talking to me right now. I really don't care if he sees me as a friend or not anymore. I'm thinking of a very valid reason in my head as to why he even became my friend in the first place. *sigh* Oh well. My other friends are more interesting anyhow. :cow:

Darkk Child Mar 17, 2006 02:31 PM

Delorean has a point and a funny avatar (I remember that episode)! Drexlerfan22, I can identify with that first paragraph... ... ... ! Does your name insuate that you are a fan of Clyde "The Glide" Drexler or some other Drexler?

Well, It appears that everyone hear has something interesting to say about the matter. I have a question, however. Is his behavior something that is common with everyone that knows him? If not and its just towards you, then perhaps he likes you or thinks you like him. If it is a common complaint then maybe he just finds himself very interesting or doesn't know much about anything else so he only talks about himself.

I don't know why he's advertising himself. Perhaps you should ask him why he talks about himself so much. Start off sweet and easy "You know, I realized something (fill in with you talk about yourself 95% of the time you speak to me- or something similar). Then ask if there is a reason why. You say he's an introvert, though, so you may have to manuever him into giving you the information you are looking for by "asking the right questions." If you are interested in solving the problem the best way to do so is to understand the problem. If you just wish to terminate the problem at all cost then you have the option to cut him off like nappy hair.

Winter Storm Mar 17, 2006 02:40 PM

Quote:

Though, it gets under my skin when people don't initiate conversation with me at least some of the time; I don't want to be the one doing all the work.
I was doing this with one friend through e-mail for about 3 years before I stopped. Now I hardly hear from her which is what I always knew would happen once I stopped pulling all of the weight. Infact the last couple of friendships ended because of this. With friends off the net, I've had to do all the calling and never getting return calls. These type of individuals can pass as ghosts - you don't hear from them or see them unless you seek them out.

Very irritating.

Lady Miyomi Mar 17, 2006 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darkk Child
Well, It appears that everyone hear has something interesting to say about the matter. I have a question, however. Is his behavior something that is common with everyone that knows him? If not and its just towards you, then perhaps he likes you or thinks you like him. If it is a common complaint then maybe he just finds himself very interesting or doesn't know much about anything else so he only talks about himself.

I'm not sure if this behavior of his is common with everyone else he knows. Nobody has complained to me about it yet. I seriously, no, seriously doubt he likes me. Besides, I've heard the description of the kind of person he likes (over and over) and it isn't me. He really has no reason to think that I would like him, however, if that's the case, I can rectify that part real quick.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darkk Child
I don't know why he's advertising himself. Perhaps you should ask him why he talks about himself so much. Start off sweet and easy "You know, I realized something (fill in with you talk about yourself 95% of the time you speak to me- or something similar). Then ask if there is a reason why. You say he's an introvert, though, so you may have to manuever him into giving you the information you are looking for by "asking the right questions." If you are interested in solving the problem the best way to do so is to understand the problem. If you just wish to terminate the problem at all cost then you have the option to cut him off like nappy hair.

It's got me confused as well. Movie stars have a right to advertise themselves because that's what they do. He's none of the sort. I'd ask him if, 1) I could get a word in edge-wise, 2) if he would actually answer the question, and 3) if he ever started talking to me again. I'd say the last time he contacted me on his own was sometime late last month, but the last time I contacted him was either earlier this week or last week. I'm fresh out of "reaching out" energy now.

I can't terminate him just yet. I feel as though this isn't really what he's all about, but more like a show. Kinda like an acceptance thing, I dunno. Only time will tell if he's assumed this role as a permanent one...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Winter Storm
I was doing this with one friend through e-mail for about 3 years before I stopped. Now I hardly hear from her which is what I always knew would happen once I stopped pulling all of the weight. Infact the last couple of friendships ended because of this. With friends off the net, I've had to do all the calling and never getting return calls. These type of individuals can pass as ghosts - you don't hear from them or see them unless you seek them out.

Very irritating.

That's why people like this only hear from me on holidays, not for no reason at all. If they don't respond back to my holiday message, they only hear from me once a year, that being Christmas. And yes, I do agree it's very irritating. That's why I'm not reaching out to this guy now. I'm quite literally irritated and tired.


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