Let's be friends
 

I was talking to my ex today, since we became friends after I broke up with him. I thought at the time it would be okay, but it feels really awkward talking to him, even for a few minutes. I was just wondering if anyone out there has had a "successful" break-up, cause I've only heard (and experienced) bad things. Does it actually work?

From what I've seen, it only works when one or both of the people involved had less than genuine feelings for the other.

I wouldn't call the situation with my ex a "breakup", more of a... Drifting apart.

We're still close. Very close, actually.

I still talk with my ex, and we are very good friends. The end of our relationship was mutual. She moved far off to go to school, and we both knew that she couldn't count on me to provide the things she needed when she needed them the most.

I feel awkward when I talk to my ex-girlfriend, however, I'm intent on making our friendship work. We both feel awkward. But we want to maintain each other as friends so we're trying our best to make it work. It's mutual wish that we want to stay friends.

It's all a matter of effort.

You know what... That is a VERY good point. Makes me think..... One of my girlfriends I was with for almost two years had a rough time being friends.... We truely were in love for the longest time in our relationship. But that ended.... Meh, what can I say? We were young... ;)

My second one cheated on me the month before we broke up.... When we run into each other we talk for quite a while and it rarely feels akward.

But yeah, I mainly agree with you.

I think amicable breakups usually take time. I don't know of many cases where two people have broken up and have immediately been able to switch to being just friends.

The person who was most in love (and that's usually the one who was dumped) is the one who has the hardest time being friends, in my opinion. I dated a guy once who, after I broke up with him, literally COULD NOT stop mentioning constantly how miserable and lonely he was, etc., and I finally had to cut off all communication with him for a while. He begged me not to, but I told him it was the only way he was going to be able to get on with his life. And it worked. We're friends now and there is no awkwardness between us at all.

I don't know about the folks who do have successful break-ups, but I know I've never talked or came in contact with an ex again. It left a weird feeling just seeing them around. It's more like, "we don't have any business with each other anymore." The reason why we hooked up would be because of shared feelings, not because we wanted to become friends. That was not the primary objective. Get my drift? It's cool if people can remain friends though.

I don't talk to my ex anymore. We tried to be friends at first, but It just doesn't work for me. I guess I loved her too much.

You know, this is exactly how things were with my last boyfriend. When I broke up with him he just wouldn't stop trying to meet up with me and all he would talk about was how he was lonely and upset. I ended up changing my number and all kinds of things to keep him from contacting me. He seems okay with it all now we're friends; he's moved on and found another partner, but now the awkwardness is on my part. I've no idea why either.

I think that that's a good way of putting it. Even though it's been 2 years, for some reason I still make it a point never to initiate any kind of conversation greater than a hello with my ex.

My ex and I do still talk, but it is weird. I try to maintain a healthy friendship, but since I also never wanted the breakup, there's a kind of longing still there and you have to watch what you say, I guess.

I agree that the only real successful breakup would be if you didn't really have feelings for said person, because else the feelings will just linger and irritate you when trying to just maintain friendship.

I still talk with my ex. It's a pretty good relationship, seeing as though we know almost everything about each other, so it's easy just to talk with her and have a laugh.

We said we'd still keep in touch after the break up anyway, and I have no reason to not talk to her, so it's all good.

I tried to immediately be friends when my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. I was kidding myself immensely. I had given her a hard time about it because every time I saw her, she acted so (obviously) awkwardly, and then I realized how hard it was for the two of us to try and communicate with one another. It just didn't feel at all like time was on my side.

All of this occurred around the time the posts on this thread were made. We went awhile without talking, limiting ourselves to nods and waves (after completely avoiding each other for a period of time). Recently though she's been kind of involving me a bit more in her life, and I honestly don't know what to make of that now. Our breakup was so ambiguous I couldn't even tell you officially why it happened. Supposedly it had nothing to do with me and her claim was that she needed to "live life to the fullest" and that she was too young for what we had (whatever that meant, considering she's 21...), which apparently meant having sex with some monoexpressive walking cliché of a music major (and no, this isn't some generalization I have about music majors, but I know what the particular ones to which I refer represent...). I'm going off on a tangent here. :eagletear:

It does work. I still talk to most of my old flames (I can't count some as 'exes' because I never officially went out with them...), but I don't go out quite as much as I used to so I see them less now. I occasionally go over to see my most recent (and only serious) ex every couple of weeks. That one has been a lot harder to work at.

It's got so much to do with how the relationship ends. I know it sounds obvious but I guess not everybody realises.

I don't think you can really ever be friends with your ex. Don't even TRY to bring up your current g/f or b/f with your ex... It will always be a little awkward. Anyway why would you want to be friends with your ex? I mean, he or she is your ex for a reason.

I have the exest of ALL ex's, an ex-wife. I call her Satan.

Thats a bit narrow-minded. Like I said, I'm still friends with most of mine. In fact, some of them I work with/see all the time and we all get on like a house on fire. Just because you can't have a relationship with someone doesn't mean they're not compatible as a friend. IMO they are completely different. Maybe it has something to do with your personality as well? I've never had an ex say a bad word about me yet... :3:

I'm not normally as cocky as this but... whatever.

Ex-wives are totally different than ex-g/f. There is really no comparison. Especially when you have to go to court for a divorce. You don't have to go to court to break up with a g/f. I'm not sure if there is any coming back from bad mouthing each other in court. Plus, if you do try to have a friendship, it ends the day you start seeing someone else. We tried to have a friendship, but the minute I got a new g/f, she started with all her insane questions. "Is she better looking than me?" "Is she better in bed than me?" You know, the type of questions that there is no right answer to.

I am still friends with my past g/f's. I still talk to them, although very very rarely, but I just can't seem to do anything right, when it comes to my ex-wife. She's of the school where she is always right and that is that. Whenever I try to talk to her, she comes up with "remember 5 years ago when you said this to me...." Yet, if she says anything bad to me, she will deny it 5 minutes later.

That doesn't sound like the way a "friend" should act.

I'm on good terms with most of my exes. Some I keep in touch with more than others, but assuming there's a common ground of interest, there's no real reason not to get along on some level after a breakup. Being bitter is weak.

Of course, if they're whiny or twatty about it, I have no time for that either. But that goes for my friends as much as ex-girlfriends or anybody else in my life for that matter. Like Jamma said, it depends on the breakup.

parKbench: I agree that ex-wives and ex-girlfriends are different in some ways since there's more of an emotional investment when it's a wife, but the bitterness between you and your ex-wife seems really strong, and might make any kind of relationship hard until you both get over it and are moving on. In a way it doesn't really matter if it's a girlfriend, or wife, or even a rival co-worker.

I'm happily married now...to someone else. But I remember in my first marriage, if I even brought up past girlfriends my wife would freak out, so I couldn't imagine what she would have done if I was actually still friends with any of them. The words Lorena Bobbit come to mind...

My new wife would accept it if I was friends with any past g/f, but I think I would feel a little weird being in the same room with 2 girls that I had slept with. I'd probably feel a little on edge, uncomfortable to say the least.

Additional Spam:
What I was trying to say is that it is possible, probably likey, to be friends with exes when you are single, but once you get in a relationship, I think it might be a little hard to stay friends. I mean, if your present g/f found out you are hanging out some nights with your old g/f, she might get jealous.

As with many others who have come before me and posted, experience has shown me that it varies, depending on how mutual the love was and the cause behind the separation.

Recently I broke up with a woman who I had to let go due to her parents strong opposition to their daughter dating a man outside her own race. The idea of their daughter dating a Mexican boiled their anger to a tee. But, what makes this hard for me when she wanted to stay best friends is that I can no longer keep her in the light that I used to have her in. As such, when I speak with her, I can't help but cry for losing her because of all the promises she made, and eventually broke.

She was so integrated into my very being, that I can't be best friends with her because of how she ended it with me. Yes my mind may be strong, but my heart is weak, and therefore I cannot speak with her. Maybe as the seasons pass, I'll be able to speak with her again as we used to in our college days....but until then, she nothing but lost thoughts in the midst of forgetfulness.

I agree with you, Live. If you were in love with a girl, I don't understand how you can turn that love off like a switch. You would either be lying to yourself that you want to be friends, or maybe you were never in love in the first place.

If you truly love someone, I don't see how you can be just friends with them and stand by while they go out with other guys, ect. I don't think it is healthy. I think you made the right choice in your circumstances. Escpecially if her reason was your race.

I tried to be friends with my first bf and it was such a toxic relationship hahaha I for one was not over him and he was pretty attuned to that fact, but now as time has passed we are so nice to each other cause like i still am quite fond of the guy but i dont want to be with him anymore so I still enjoy the traits that attracted me to him in the first place just not in a romantic way. I think it is really bad when one of the people still has deeper feelings for the other. And with my most recent ex, well for one he doesnt have anyone around him even for the possibility of a relationship so when he talks to me there is a lot of attitude cause he doesnt want me to catch onto that fact even though I already know, and he will be so bitchy to me to I dunno make himself feel superior so it always feels like a competition between us and I always win cause i actually have a social life, but then I feel sorry for him so i say stuff like "I will help you meet some people" "I'll take you out sometime" but I know deep down that if he gained an louce of popularity or became friends with one of my friends I would be verry bitter so its all talk haha. So for me relationshipd with exes dont work very well except for raare instances and for that to work I have to be in a relationship so i dont feel drawn to them.

If you are really in love with someone you would be happy as long as they're happy, regardless of whether you're the source of their happiness. True love isn't selfish.

I think the most important thing is whether you can still respect your ex after the breakup. Breakups can happen just because you're not right for eachother, but sometimes you find out they're malicious or petty or otherwise bad people, and it's hard to respect someone and be friends with them in that case.

Of course, that goes both ways--if you're a petty, bitter person, then it probably won't work out.

I feel if you have found true love, more than likely, there will be no reason to break up. Unless the other person doesn't truly love you. If you BOTH truly love each other, you will stay together no matter what. So, you would never have to worry about how to treat them after you break up.

Plus, we are human, whether you want to believe it or not, ALL humans are selfish. It is how we survive. We wouldn't kill so many wild animals by chopping down their woods (homes) just so we can have ANOTHER McDonalds to stuff our overwieght faces with, if we didn't think we all the all important race on this planet.

I'm not really sure about that, but then again I can't really claim to have found true love. I do like to believe that if both parties truly love each other, though, yeah. Then again people (and love) can change.

I'm guessing the rest of your post was meant for some other topic because it's not relevant to this discussion in any way.

One more thing: If your ex is not really over you or you are not really over him (or her), it's going to be next to impossible to be friends. If someone is trying to get you back with every word and action, that's really not a friendship. That's more like stalking. Maybe not stalking exactly, but something very much like it.

I'm guessing the rest of your post was meant for some other topic because it's not relevant to this discussion in any way.[/QUOTE]

The rest of my rant was directed to your comment that true love isn't selfish.

The only one of my ex-girlfriends I'm friends with today is one that I haven't been together with for 4 years. This friendship only started after 3 years of somewhat intense hatred for each other, though. It's a cliche, but it really is a very fine line between love and hate. I don't think it's impossible to be great friends immediately following a relationship, but due to the many feelings involved in one I think it's unlikely. It's when those "special feelings" die down and you realize that you shared a lot that a true friendship can begin, I think.

That's the same reason to why break-ups often involve a lot of hate; relationships are shockfull of emotions.

Ah, in that case, you're wrong. Every human is both selfish and selfless in varying degrees.

...not in the US. haha, I've yet to meet a selfless person.

And strangely enough, not all of us are from the US...

What a stupid comment to make.

So you would say that you are 100% selfish all the time? Do you pay taxes?

I am speaking from my experience. I don't know everyone in the whole world, therefore I could not possibly know if people from England are selfless. So, I do not think that is a stupid comment.

Although, I did date a girl from England once...

And to surrashu:

Of course people aren't selfish 100% of the time, I have a son, so I can vouch for that. And yes, I DO pay taxes, but there is no choice in that. I don't pay taxes out of the kindness of my heart, I HAVE to pay or go to jail.

I know absolutely NOTHING about any of my exes. Ah well, better off that way.

bump?

Anywho, I've recently been broken up with my former girlfriend and it's been about two months now. At first, things were extremely awkward, although not said, just a weird feeling of being around her, and having to act a completely different way than I normally would. And since she was the one who initiated the inital break up, I of course was still in "love" with her. But I've since come at peace overall with what we have now. And I really don't want to lose her as a friend. It would seem like such a waste of time to get to really know a person and then never speak to them again. :/

I was with my last girlfriend for about 3 years when she suddenly broke it off. She gave me the "let's be friends" line too, but after 3 years of being something more than friends, I couldn't do it. The way I look at it, there are not many reasons for wanting to be friends in a situation like ours, and I don't like any of them.

I figure the reason she tried it is because she wanted to avoid confrontation and have the break up be amicable, but she didn't really intend to stay friends. It's also possible that she really did want to be friends, but as I said, I couldn't do that. I wouldn't put it past her to complain about my replacement to me, which would bring out the fury. I can definitely hear myself saying "you only have yourself to blame--I never did that". And even if she had the sense not to do that, the constant reminder of what I had and lost would eat away at me.

Anyway, certain circumstances (beyond just breaking up with me) caused me to be particularly pissed off about the whole thing, and I told her I never wanted to see her face again. It's been about a year and a half now and I haven't heard a word from her since then. I'm probably not really over it either... I don't really want to go into the details, but I feel justified in being bitter in this case.

I really respect those of you who have been able to maintain friendships with your exes. Chalk it up to a lack of maturity or just a character flaw, but I'm pretty damn sure I couldn't do that. I normally have a pretty cool head about things like this (and in general), but I just don't think I could ever distance myself from the situation enough to get rid of the awkwardness (or malice, in my case). Even if I initiated a breakup, I think I would still have difficulty being friendly (but not too friendly) with an ex.

I don't talk to my ex-es. Nothing good ever spawns from it, somehow.

I've actually had one boyfriend whom I was able to pull off the "being friends" part, but he lives in Japan, has an entire life to himself that I'm not even a smidgen a part of, where I exist only in memories of us "being in love with each other." I believe it only works because I only call him on his birthday to wish him happy birthday--international calls are expensive; and he only has to put up with that one phone call once in a blue moon.

I doubt I can talk to any of my prior ex'es at all. Especially if I've had ANY feelings for them or deep relations with them. I don't know why, but the thought of trying to get back close with something I lost and cut ties (especially if it was ME that broke it off), I feel really reserved about that almost to the point where I'm scared to do so.

Personally, I have become great friends with a girl that I once dated for two years. We were pratically inseparable. Just like everyone says, it's really rough after you break up. I believe that this is not just because you love them, or because you have special feelings for them. I believe it's because when you experience true love with someone, you can't imagine anything else. Whenever you think of that person you immediately think of love because you know nothing else. Only time can give you the knowledge that there may be something after love. It's a hard realization to come to, because if you really want to make a successful friendship work, you have to move on. You must realize that there is a future without that love and that relationship, and you must never turn back.