Pregnant teen needs help!
 

Ok, here is the scoop…

I have a cousin that has just turned 19 and is now pregnant, she and I where like sisters and loved each other like crazy, I am 6 years older then her so she looked up to me a lot when it came to growing up.

The guy she is going out with named Chris is also 5-6 years older then she is, and he also as a child with another girl (On the positive side he is fighting for visitation rights). Ever since my cousin turned 16 she would move out with every guy she considered a boyfriend and moved back when she broke up. When she started going out with Chris, she moved in with him in a very small basement apartment that his grandparents pay for because he does not have a job. My cousin had a job but quit.

She is due to have her baby this October, she is still smoking, Chris still smokes, he kicks up a fuss like a 9 year old if he does not have a cigarette or beer, the apartment they are in is a dirt hole! They have two cats and their litter is a opened pizza box with litter dumped in it, and it does not look like it is changed often either. Any bit of money that Chris gets his hands on goes to booze and smokes. My aunt offered to take her back in but her boyfriend cannot come with her because she recently separated from her husband and has 2 young boys to raise and only has a part time job.

I have talked to my cousin and stressed my concerns. I have invited her to spend a few days to my place so that we can hang out and do some baby shopping and told her that I will be paying. It took a lot of effort to get the days off from my job to do this, but she refused because I will not allow her to smoke if she came (I have a severe allergy to smoke and I get very ill, plus it is bad for the baby)

I don’t know what to do! I hate Chris’s guts cuz he has the independents of a 9 year old and is ruder then a mule! But I did not say that to their faces. I love her to death and I can’t seem to get through to her…… if not for her then for her poor baby who I am very concerned about, it is not having a healthy pregnancy, the baby is due in less then 2 months and not a single diaper is bought!

I am at a loss....

Let her learn life the hard way if she doesn't want to listen to you.

Agreed, and why the hell didn't she tell him to use protection for god sake?

She was actually on the pill. I thinks she got sick or something and had to switch to a different pill. What happend is you are supposed to take the new pill for a full month before it can become effective. They happened to go at it before the new pill became effective. Chris was not happy when he found out that she was pregnant, but I say tough to him, if he REALLY did not want another kid, he should have wore a condom for percaution.

He might have lacked the education on how the pill works but my cousin should have known... so they are both at fault.

Is abortion an option to them?

The baby is to far developed to get a abortion, she is due in October.

Damn, although I don't feel bad for her at all as she doesn't listen to you or anybody. Like Stealth said, let her learn it the hard way.

My honest opinion? These two need their asses kicked, pronto...especially your irresponsible cousin who is smoking while pregnant.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do except to wait for her to have this baby and WHEN she turns out to be a neglectful, abusive mother, turn her in to Child Protective Services so that they can take her baby from her and give it to people who deserve to have a child. These two do not.

I concur with Alice.

Hmm, Chris sounds like a bum. He sounds a lot like another guy I have the misfortune to know of. Neither of them seem to have a clue as to what they're getting themselves into. And your cousin has a lousy taste in boyfriends; that he was a divorcee still struggling to see his kids should've been a warning sign. Granted, it might not be his fault that his first marriage broke up but who can say for sure?

Just tell her that she's killing her baby and it will turn out to be more of a retard than she is. Chris doesn't seem to care about the well-being of the child either, so she should really get rid of him - then again, he might just bail on her anyway and at the worst possible time. In which case she should prepare herself for any eventuality by getting some sort of job so she can support her child.

So try to encourage her to get some sort of work, pronto. Don't start running errands for her though, otherwise she'll just think she can use you for everything, and the only way people like that learn anything is by bitter experience.

I've had experience with cousins who were pregnant when they were 16 and 17 respectively, and basically fell in the same situation with assholes as boyfriends/fathers.

It's very fucking terrible what happened though. No abortion. Just miscarriages.

People need to be more fucking responsible. There's nothing you can do at this point.

My aunt is going to have a baby shower for her under one condition... any money that given goes to my aunt. None of us trust money in my cousin's or Chris's hands, so my aunt is going to get the money and buy the baby stuff herself.

I just made a baby bundle which is a baby tub will with suff she will need like diapers, bath supplies, wipes ect....

But calling Social services is what I am thinking of doing if the baby is living in the conditions that my cousin is in now.

Man. No offense to you or anything, but your cousin is a fucking dolt.

Where are her parents. Where the FUCK is the discipline? WHERE ARE THE PARENTS. This is ridiculous. These are precisely the people that should not fucking breed.

While I understand that your counsin is what, 7 months pregnant and can not exactly work to keep a household up to par, she should kick Chris out of the fucking PIGSHITHOLE they live in.

A PIZZA box as a kitty litter box? What, they cost, like, $10 at Walmart. I have a feeling there are plenty of Walmarts where your cousin lives.

They're living in squalor, sounds like. She's going to end up in a shithole and she'll NEVER get herself out of it.

If you want to do her a favor, get her to leave the FILTH that fathered that child and try to take her into your family. Though I have a feeling your family can't be that healthy (no offense again) to nuture this poor kid into getting a fucking BRAIN.

Seriously. Child protective services are the only way to go here. Don't be afraid to use it. I MEAN IT. Don't do society an injustice because your cousin and her dimwit boyfriend can't use ample brain power between the two of them.

Sorry if this is harsh. This topic really pisses me off. ;_;

AND Nicorette! "It's just for until the baby comes."

She's your cousin and you love her, but I seriously hope you do not think twice about alerting social services about these conditions. Heck, get them in there now and give them a little scare so maybe you can save whatever is left of the babies lungs and brain. Maybe if social services comes in and says, "If you don't clean up your act we will take your baby away," they might wake up. Do you have any family members that are willing to raise the kid if they don't get their act together?

I've had a few friends that were in the same situation. One couple was smoking marijuana, cigarettes, drinking whiskey, and took acid before she found out she was pregnant. They quit all that stuff while she was pregnant and now they only smoke marijuana outside of the house.

Just be supportive, make sure she knows you have her best interest at heart, and don't be afraid to show some tough love (especially toward Chris...well, more tough than love).

In my opinion, she should ditch Chris. Clearly this man doesn't hold any responsibility and it's pulling her down as well. Eventhough it sounds like he's getting off easy, is it any better to force him to marry your cousin, even if he already has kids from another partner? Also, he seems like no help at all: no job, no money, not even a sense of loyalty. I would tell her to ditch him as soon as possible.

As for the baby, she should get outside help as soon as possible. She seems irresponsible, and I already feel bad for the baby.

I agree, the only money they are getting are by sponging off Chris's grandparents to pay for rent and food.


I truly understand why you would say this but the rest of our family are all trying to reach out to her, but it seems like she is in denial and is pretending that her life is dandy. She is bascially trying to act all 'grown up' when we clearly see otherwise.

My cousin actually does not know who her real father is, after my aunt had my cousin she made a real life for self, she went to school, got a diploma in computer technology and got a job. She married years later to a great man and had two little boys.

Today they are split up but are on good terms. My aunt did everything for her kids, she gave up smoking when she got preganent with her first son and to set a example for my cousin.

Even now she took my cousin back in and Chris tried to tag along, but is eating her out of house and home, my aunt has a part time job and raising 2 boys, she can't afford to look after Chris too... so she said that he has to leave, so my cousin left with him too.

I agree with my aunt that her problem is low confidence. My cousin will just go with the flow and will not speak up. She was teary eyed when I confronted her about not wanting to come to my place, I told her that I knew that this is not the life that she wanted for herself and that she is harming her baby, she said that she knew what I was talking about and understands. I then said 'then stand up on it!'... she was silent. That was the last time I spoke to her. I hope I made her think.

My sister did the same thing,minus the moving out part. Just do what i did let her smoke or whatever and live in that basement,Sorry to say this but she'll learn her lesson when she has a miscarriage. That's how my older sister learned, The hard way.

just sad for people to not have the consideration for others. so englufed in their own pitiful lives... agreed with the last 7 posts. live a good life, reap the benefits, be a sillybilly and ur bound to get whats coming to you :P

Yeah, so just let her kill the kid, right? She'll learn her lesson though... Killing the kid isn't worth teaching her a lesson, and if you think letting her continue smoking is fine and dandy, since she'll see what she's missing, you're wrong.

Sorry to say, but most of the damage to the kid is already done.

She's 7 months along, we can safely assume she will not miscarry.

I hate to say it Chibineko. Your cousin seems like a nice enough person, but she deserves this situation as much as anyone does. It's good on you guys to not knowtow to her demands that Chris accompanies her everywhere though, that'll just make things worse on your relationship with her.

So are you saying that I should talk to my cousin while Chris is present?

Huh, I'm not sure. I'm really referring to your aunt refusing to let your cousin in her house when she brings Chris with her.

If you mean talk to the cousin while she's with Chris, sure. If you mean talk to her while Chris is physically present in the room, well yes but keep the conversation away from all Chris-related things.

The only time she will ever be ready to leave this guy is when she is ready to leave this guy, and she will not listen to reason until then.

Probably the best thing that could happen to her is if everyone let her reap what she sowed and forced her to fend for herself. You want to act like and adult and engage in adult activities? Fine. You take care of yourself like an adult and stop mooching off the generosity of others. Right now she's having her cake and eating it, too. It's just silly.

That's exactly how i see it but she needs someone to build a fence for her. In other words let her do what she sees fit but if she messes up or somethin goes wrong she needs someone to help her out.

My advice leave her to it. If she can't se what harm shes doing to herself and her child then she is unbelievebly stupid. She'll realise the errors of her way when theres no one around to help her and she has to fend for her self, I think the sooner you stop offering the sooner she may realise.
When the baby comes and she doesn't realise the conditions she's living in are disgusting then please call social services and have that baby taken away from the two of them because neither of them are fit enough to be parents. Try and make it so your family can look after the child and they can have visitation rights or something like that.
However she was stupid enough not to use protection until the pill came into full effect.

I was home the other day and was talking to my aunt. She says that my cousin and chris has found a 2 bedroom apartment, my cousin checked it out by herself because on look at chris will tell you what he is like, he uses the current cubbyhole as a hangout!

I learned that his only firends are 16 year olds and they all come over to their current place to hang out, drink, smoke, and possibly drugs. My cousin says nothing, and if she does, chris will not listen. My aunt did warn her that now that she has a better apartment to not screw it up.

My aunt told me that once the baby is born, she will be checking up on them all the time unannounced, and if the conditions are still the way they are, she is going to call social services and take custody of the baby. I feel better knowing this so the baby will be saved at least.

Either way, if my aunt does not call, I would have.

I wish I could contribute more than what has been already said, but most of the logic has been stated. I do want to say, I'm really sorry to hear about you and your cousin's situation. No matter what good or bad can come out of it, it's just heart breaking to know this happened, it happens, and will continue to happen.

My first reaction would be to talk to legal authorities about the matter. After reading on, I have come to realize something. If your aunt really does have her life together, I think the aunt should raise the child, and let the mother and father spend time with the child.

I really don't agree compeletly with the total separation of parents and children, even if the parents are unfit. If the child doesn't know who their parents are, they will usually spend a good amount of time trying to find out, and will do what they have to get to know them as much as possible. On the flip side, one of my ex-clients killed his ex-wife for keeping his children away from him. I don't agree with what he did, but the bond between a parent and child, no matter how neglegent and abusive they may be to each other, can be unbelieveably strong sometimes.

Good luck to you, and your family.

I can understand what you mean Fatt, and what everyone else has said so far.

When it comes to my cousin, it is time that she learned life the hard way, but when a innocent baby is involved, it should not have to suffer at my cousin's expense.... after all, it did not ask to be brought into this world.

Which is why that if it comes to a point that my cousin is a unfit parent, the baby should be taken away, but not far away. I believe in the improtance of parent/child relationships too but you have to think about the child's safety, so visitation rights would be a must.

All the people who think she should ditch Chris are clowns. A child needs a father and she's only going to compound problems further by leaving him.

Things arn't going to improve at all unless Chris gets his shit togethor. Seriously he has to be the one to take responsibility. His family, his mates, they need to fucking get the message through to him. He has to be the one to grow up here. If he can pull himself togethor and just get a job and start organising life things will fall into place quicker than you think. He doesn't even have to give up drinking or smoking (though it would help.)

A father is someone who sorts out the shit for the family. If he fucks her and she leaves, no one wins. And it has to be Chris, because no other bloke is touching this girl now. It has to come from him first, only then will it rub off on your cousin.

Chris has the easy part, she's the one who has to raise this baby. All he needs to do is get a job, it can be minimun wage, and pay the bills. It's all they need to not live in squalor. And with him not around, making the house shit, maybe she might have a chance to clean it and take care of it.

I suggest you get in touch with his family somehow or his mates and get them to give him the message.

You can say that, but on the other hand you cannot make people change. That's the biggest mistake of people who stay in crappy and/or abusive relationships - they think that their significant other will change his/her ways, or that they themselves are the one who will change that person. Often times it doesn't happen; it's just wishful thinking.

So it comes down to choosing the lesser of two "evils." Is it worth holding on to a shit partner in hopes that they will learn from their mistakes and create a wholesome family, or is it better to ditch them and work hard improve things yourself? The former is of course what would be preferable, but... it's not an easy decision either way.

Since they have gotten a new apartment, I do hope that they can turn their situation around for the better. Good luck to them.

Yeah Rab, it's easy enough to tell Chris to grow up, obviously he needs to, but he's not going to. Betcha anything he'll cut and run before the kid's one.

Why hasn't anyone considered adoption? Babies are always in high demand.

You can get a great price for them on the black market.

And maybe they would be happy with Michael Jackson. ;_;

Legit adoption is certainly an option! Honestly, it would be the best thing to happen to that child.

Yeah I didn't even read the thread, but if I found out that 23 years ago my parents were asking for advice about whether to keep me from 16 year old barely literate Quiet Place fags on Gamingforce I'd be glad to be in the adoption club.

...reading FTW.

Adoption is an option. Sure, the kid may end up wondering his/her origins later on, but if it's for the best, then so be it. I know some people who were adopted and/or never knew one of their birth parents and really... they've done fine under those circumstances and are probably better off as they are.

Are you saying that because she has a child no man will want her? Because I can tell you from personal experience that won't be the case. And the old "even a bad father is better than no father" mindset is wrong. I agree that children need fathers, but if the father is nothing but a bad role-model to the child, the child would be better off just spending a lot of time with an uncle or a grandfather.

And yet I notice a complete lack of men in Chibi Neko's family.

Well, there are only a few weeks left before the baby arrives, so I will be posting updates on the situation.

What does that mean??

I think he means so far you've mostly mentioned from your family your aunt, yourself and your cousin, all of whom are females. You haven't mentioned any male influence at all, so he's more-or-less saying the issues are the result of the lack of a strong male figure within the family to hold things together.

I can't say I agree. It's more of a stereotype and a cultural assumption. There are always exceptions to such 'rules'. And I still stick to having no male present is better than having one that's a complete waste of human material.

Guess he did not read my 5th post on the first page of this thread.

There are many men in my family, fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins and two grandfathers. This issue is focused my cousin who is pregnant and her single mom who is trying to cope with it, not men in my family that have nothing to do with it. Chris is the one that got her pregnant, so he is the one that needs to be present.

It doesn't take a lot of honor to knock someone up. From the way you've described Chris, it would probably be best for the child to spend as much time with the honorable men in your family as possible. Just being a sperm donor doesn't make anyone worthy of rearing a child. Until he grows up, he's probably going to be nothing but a negative influence on this kid.

replying
 

just ljust let her learn the hard way its onli way trust me and then shell never make that mistake again :biggrin:

It isn't the mother or aunt that has the biggest problem. It's the child. The mother can have another child with a better plan, but the current child only has one life to live. You just can't write off a child.

So far there are no signs of Chris growing up... there are openings for many jobs in his field (work labor, he has not been to college) and he is not making a effort to apply for them, it looks like he is plans to contiune to live off his grandparents money and most likely the government benifits that my cousin will be receiving.

Much of our family is showing dissaproval.... it is up to her now to do what she thinks is right.

Have you guys tried mentioning to her that if the conditions stay the way that they are presently, someone in your family will be calling social services on them?

I understand your cousin's thoughts - but they're irrational and illogical. She needs to know this isn't right. While your family is trying to let her make her own decision, you REALLY need to let her know the consequences of her actions.

Do tell her that the family plans to do something if the conditions keep up with a child involved.

I have already mentioned that on previous posts. If the situation does not improve when the baby is born, my aunt says she will call social services herself and take custody of the child, if she does not do it, I will.

I think what Sass is saying is that someone needs to tell your idiot cousin that they're going to report her ass if she endangers her child. It's great that all of you have decided this amongst yourselves, but make sure she knows what's coming, too. It might give her the slap in the face she desperately needs.

No need to get your panties in a bunch, Chibi! Maybe I misunderstood what you originally said!

You never clearly mentioned that your aunt, mother, yourself, whatever has actually told your cousin that they will call the social services on her ass.

Sure, you guys may have talked about it amongst yourselves, but that never amounts to anything, you know? Idle threats since its not laid on the table in front of your cousin.

Maybe you folks HAVE told her, though. Like I said, I've read the entire thread and it's not that clear to me if you have or haven't told your cousin your plans.

I would CERTAINLY threaten MY cousin, sister, whomever with something like this. ESPECIALLY with this kind of calibre of potential child abuse.

Tell her "If you do this, we're reporting you."

Now, it's been a while since I read the entire thread, admittedly, but how old is your cousin, again? Isn't she under 18?

I didn't

She is 19, but we all know that age does not make you smart, Chris is 24 and he acts like he is 9.

O, sure, no, I agree wholeheartedly. 19 isn't the brightest age, either. It's not like once you turn 18, you magically turn into a mature adult. I'm 24 too and I can't call myself a mature adult. ^_^

But seriously, Chibi. Tough love is in order. I just hope your family is strong enough to support the strength needed.

Look, I had my daughter when I was 18. I fully admit that I was still a child myself, but once you have a baby YOUR CHILDHOOD IS OVER. She needs to stop acting like an immature brat and do the right thing for her baby. Anything else is inexcusable, I don't care how young she is.

I was talking to my mom last night...

My cousin was kicked out of the two bedroom apartment that they found a shor while ago. The landlord heard about Chris and how he gets violent when drunk and told them to move out a short while after they moved in.

They now have a different place that is just outside of town, which is not good because they are now outside of walking distance to everything they need. I am not even sure that they have a phone, so I am concerned for her labor, she is due in a week or two so she can go at anytime now.

hmm.
 

really, this situation could go multiple ways

firstly and foremost, your cousin and her BF should have talked about it first before rushing into anything, expected or not.teenage pregnancy is always a hot topic around today, especially when it comes to being that age with a kid.

while I cannot say what she should do about the guy, it does sound like she needs to make a decision and quick, not only for her welfare but for the child's. and this guy sounds like he needs to lose the diaper and put on a tie, and start being a responsible parent. yeah I know the metaphor sucks, but I am working with limited time for it

either way, best advice I think is to let them decide what is best, and time will tell

She had her baby! she had a girl and was only in labor for 3 hours.

The baby is healthy, so far anyway, which is a relief. She named the baby after me! I am tickled pink!

We all did what we could, so the rest is up to her.

awww, congrats to her, and a baby chibi hmm? always good

I'm really glad to hear the baby is healthy! She's lucky. I'm still hoping for the best for them!

Agreed, glad to know the baby's healthy.

My take would probably be somewhat passive-aggressive... I'd TELL them that they have to shape up or I'm calling CPS... that will usually spur people into action. That way I won't have to, and they won't hate me forever for taking their little girl away. Or I do, and they hate me. Sometimes I "adopt" the child for a while too. Whatever works. You've done all you can for THEM, but there's still some help you could bring about for the kid.

The baby is doing fine... so far, but the realy kicker is now my cousin and Chris are engaged! According to my aunt the ring looks really cheap, how he would buy one is beyond me because they are still living off welfare. My aunt can't stand it but she is keeping her cool and wont say anything. I however am going to visit the baby this weekend and if they mention their engagement, I will not give them any blessings.

It's amazing to me how some people can be so inconsiderate to their unborn children. Why would anyone want to smoke, drink, or do drugs, knowing it wil hurt their child. Some people are just too self-centered to change anything. Too unwilling to do something for another. Make sure that you keep an eye on that child, and at the first sign of neglect, call Child Protection. God knows we don't want anything to happen to the child, and we don't want the cycle to repeated yet again.

Good luck to your cousin.

Well, too late to do anything about the born-ing/birthing process. But it's not too late still to quit smoking and allow their child to grow. Second hand smoking supposedly takes more lives than smoking itself, each year. And whats even worse is the child may grow up accustomed to the scent and polluted-ness of smoking. So, there's a highly likely chance the child will eventually smoke as well.

If Chibi's cousin is so intent on smoking (considering she refused to stay at Chibi's place by fear of strict no-smoking conditions), then leave them alone. Let them see and understand what happens when you toy with a life. It's not fair that certain children are born under similar conditions every year and are forced to live a life of poverty. So, what makes what Chibi's cousin is doing any more righteous?

Damn, she actually got engaged to that loser? Well...I guess if your cousin was smart she would have stopped smoking and confronted Chris's ass about this a while ago.

I would love it for them to reap in the pile of crap they made if it didn't involve screwing up the kid, there's already enough trash out there.

Unfortunately I can't really add anything everyone else hasn't already mentioned, I would just keep an eye on the situation, obviously.

However, I also think Chris's grandparents aren't helping the situation by giving him an excuse not to get his lazy ass working. He obviously doesn't seem to mind being a failure, so why would he have any motivation to actually earn an income when everything is handed to him?

With no income, he really has no choice but to get a job or resort to petty robbery, in which case (hopefully) he gets his ass thrown in jail for a bit. If daddy's in jail he can't cause more harm to the kid.