I can't be alone in this.
 

I'm as white a knight as they come. And Lurker, I couldn't help but notice how distressed you are about this whole passive thing.

::sirvg::

Oh I see how it is! Unless I post in plaid you just ignore me!

I think that in every relationship (and not just romantic ones) someone has to be more passive than the other. Otherwise you'd end up butting heads and arguing all the time. That said, I really can't stand overly passive people. First of all, it's boring to be around someone who will agree with you no matter what you say or do. Secondly, apologizing/agreeing constantly/accepting anything another person says without question is a sign of someone who probably doesn't like himself/herself very much, which I really hate. I used to pity people like that; now I want to smack them around and yell, "Respect yourself, damnit!"

So no, you are not alone.

I find passive people to be very annoying in that they don't take the majority of things in life seriously whatsoever. They see way too many things as a joke - and frustrating to talk to about anything. I don't like to work with passive people either.

This colour thing has got to stop.

But yeah, passive people are annoying.

Shy people/ quite people piss me off - that goes under passive category..doesn't it?

Especially at cadets b/c the F/sgt always spends half an hour trying to get them to yell. Here's the deal: at cadets - you yell. You yell out everything: when you're talking, when you're calling out time in drill. But some people just don't and we get held up for half an hour standing at attention b/c some incompetent little twit can't yell "Permission to fall in F/Sgt" properly...

At school its pretty bad too - everytime it comes to presentation time they make such a big deal out of it and the teacher gives them excuses to not present or to do a shitty job because they're 'naturally shy'.
Luckily - high school teachers don't give a shit about people's personality and I'm not so bothered anymore...

Nowaday I just laugh them when they screw up - I mean come on - your'e in Grade 11 get over yourself and get off your ass...
Doing a fucking presentation won't kill you...
..or will it?

This whole thread is kind of stupid because I don't think I've ever met someone who is that shy and older than 5.

I usually think about it as, "passivity is a by-product of something else." Lack of confidence, etc. For instance, I'm a pretty passive person most of the time, but when I'm really comfortable with the company or the subject at hand, I tend to speak up. Perhaps it's because I'm "shy" myself.

Also, it just doesn't work when there are too many aggressive people, too many leaders. Someone has to fall back for there to be order. I tend to be the person who does that in the group setting, or even in a personal relationships with a partner or friend. Sometimes (but not all the time) it's better to let go and avoid conflict, y'know?

I don't like overly passive people who can't help themselves. I like to be needed, but not to the point where I am needed CONSTANTLY.

I like a happy give-and-take kind of friendship/relationship, but I don't ALWAYS want to be the leader. Although I do enjoy it most the time, it gets exhausting being in charge all the time, making decisions for everyone, pulling the plan together.

Unfortunately, I've always fell naturally into that role - and if I don't, I don't enjoy being in the position that doesn't offer leader benefits.

But yea, I don't like people who can't form a solid opinion or has no official say. I like people to soeak up for themselves.

Christ, people. You don't have to post in the same color as your theme. #262f55 does not show up well on a navy background, Lurker.

You've never met my mom. She drives me nuts, playing the silent martyr. I've gotten to where I tell her point blank to quit with the passive-aggressive bullshit, and to just come right out and SAY what she wants. I mean, she actually did my little brother's homework to try and get him to pass, rather than discipline him. Worse, my dad's gotten to be the same way.

I despise passive people. They don't stick up for themselves and let everyone just roll over them, and then have the nerve to mope about it. If I've learned nothing else from my parents, it's that being a doormat is no way to live. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with such a person. I'd have to dump them, as mean as it would feel. I just wouldn't be able to stand it. Grow a fucking spine.

I'm not sassafrass-assertive/opinionated but I'm not sillylittlebitch-passive-whineaboutotherpeople'sdecisionsbecauseiwastoosiss ytomakeadecisionmyself either. I'm somewhere in the middle, which is not a bad place to be I suppose. Some people have mistaken me for being a passive person, but in reality, I just don't really give two damns about a lot of things, like where we should eat. If someone tries to make a decision that I do not approve, I voice my disapproval, not whine about it later.

Actually, I was mostly goofing off, and/or taking the examples to the extreme; although there was definitely some truth in my humorous replies. Although I am shy in person, I am not really passive.
My biggest problem however is that I have trouble forming coherent and complete thoughts while in person, because I am so used to communicating in text. I definitely have many instances of "stair-case wit" as well.

I also fear that in some cases where I have been with other people, I have appeared passive because I don't really voice my opinion much. But this is more because I just don't have an opinion(which can often be the case), or don't really care; not beause I don't want to voice my opinion. Apparently wanting to know what someone ELSE wants to do is considered socially odd.

And as for my personal opinion on passive people... they can sometimes get very annoying by how they are. I want to know what they think and I wish they would stop caring so much about how I felt, and let me know how THEY felt.

As for your bonus question, I am neither. I certainly am not the manipulative type, as that is just wrong.

Actually, I have a question for everyone: Is there a difference, in your book, between someone who is apathetic and someone who is passive?

In my book there is. Apathetic (to me) means you just don't care or are too lazy to have an opinion. Passive means that you fear voicing your opinion or being social because you don't have enough self-confidence to do so.

Passive people are pretty annoying, and are especially noticeable when doing something as simple as choosing a place to go out and eat - they'll refuse to pick a place, or even contribute what they're in the mood for, and then later you'll find out that they really didn't want mexican food that night, boo-hoo. I can't really imagine somebody WANTING to put up with that sort of constant annoyance.

Passive-aggressive is a lot worse, of course, where they milk the guilt for all it's worth and constantly ruin things they don't want to participate in (instead of just saying they don't want to, for Christ's sake, I CANNA' READ YER MIND).

Yes.

Apathetic means you're a lazy jackass who doesn't care to form his own opinion. (I know thats harsh. Sorry. I am bitter.)

Passive means you're just not feeling strong or confident enough to get yourself out there, be heard, and live with the consequences. You probably DO care about whats going on, but you're not confident enough to say something.

Passive is better than apathetic, in my eyes.

How do you tell the difference between being cautious and being passive?

If you're "cautious" to the point that others mistake it for passivity, then you just might be a little too cautious, bordering on pussified.

Well, often times "others" fail to realize how complex a situation is. It could be that confident people are just not very bright on average.

Then there comes the "I'm afraid of what they might think of me if I do this and that, oh noes!". One can say that over assuming stuff is part of the problem too.

Fair enough. I'm just saying that our over emphasis on "confidence" (which is usually just a thin veil for arrogance) leads people to act too quickly and with too little thought, just to impress people.

I challenge anyone to convince me that confidence is worse than shyness or lack of confidence. It's certainly more productive to be confident, even if confidence truly is just "thinly veiled arrogance," it's generally a more appealing characteristic than being the opposite.

Also, I disagree with your statement about confident people being less intelligent than cowerers. In fact, I'd say it's more likely that the opposite is true.

Intelligence does no good if you don't give the gears any time to turn before your gaping maw spews forth 'tardedness.

Even the most intelligent people spew tardedness from time to time. Better to spew a little tardedness occasionally than to sit there like a bump on a log and not say anything.

On the tail of what Minion said, I prefer a girl who is independent-minded, who has opinions of her own, and is not adverse to the idea of sharing those opinions when they become relevant.

But I also appreciate someone who does not feel the need to force her opinions on everyone else, and to hell with the consequences, because goddamn it, they're her opinions and they're valid too. I'd rather have someone I can talk to, someone who will know when to listen back. I think given the context of this thread, I would definitely prefer someone who was higher on the passive scale than someone who was more...active.

And personally, I think I'd rather be a white knight than a crusader.

Another thing to note is that a lot of people who are considered not confident simply have communication problems. Maybe they're foreigners, maybe they have a speech impediment. That doesn't neccesarily mean they're cowards.

In fact, I'd imagine communication issues are the reason behind most people's lack of apparent confidence.

Is this a reincarnation of the EMO thread or what?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...an/Mebored.jpg

Hmm, you might be onto something Musharraf.

We had an EMO thread?

Yes, it was an awesome thread. We had discussions on three, no four different levels. I believe we discussed about emos, niggers, jews and Seris' underwear.

Oh right. With the kid from the concert hall who was defending all emo kiddies as being brilliant artists?

I don't have a problem with passive people. But the only way I can think of to cope, or deal, with such people is to basically be proactive about it. You want something? Go get it.

In my lifetime so far, I have dealt with my share of passive individuals. They don't care what goes on, they don't care if their toasted bagel came out deformed and that they've just spreaded cream cheese with a little jam, accidentially mixed into the cream. They don't care if the group decides to go eat at McDonalds that's 3 blocks away. when they can instead go to Burger King that's 1 building away.

Although, after typing that, one way you could possibly get a passive individual to unwind is to condition them. If you like to go and eat at Subway for some 6-inch sandwich, keep going there everyday. I suspect the passive individual who tags along may eventually break. His/her wants and desires come out and show their true colors. "Not today, I wanna go and eat at Wendy's."

Instead of going to the usual table hang-out place, that's nearby, drag them to a seating area that's further away. Something of the like that'll potentially get them to snap back into reality.

So, someone like Lurker may still hate them now, or forever, but if you like someone and really want them to change, give them the chance to do it. Set them up.

I'm just as interested in trying out my theory of breaking passive people. So, I shall experiment with some people I know at college. I'll clue in results at the end of the week. (Assuming it won't take so long to break them.) I'm always interested in learning how certain people work. What makes them tick, what can motivate them better than money. Stuff like that. Call it a psychological interest, or some sick obsession to stalk people, but the day you do something unfavorable unknowingly, by another individual, is the day you get "owned." (For whatever n-th time.)

That has nothing to do with passive-aggressive people. You just sound like an asshole who has no respect for shy or self-conscious people. Maybe you should try to get to know these kinds of people before you go tooting your all-knowing, mind-reading anus of yours.

Double Post:
Well, we really shouldn't be putting a blanket statement like that for these types of people. Some people are so unconfident in themselves that they push themselves further than a confident person might ... and others might just give up. It all really just depends on the person.

Also, no matter how confident you are, you should constantly question yourself and make yourself better. Modesty is just as important, if not moreso, than confidence, in my opinion.

Oh wow. Oh, wow.

Keep thinking that way, it probably helps your already-tiny self-esteem.

Answering your question, yes, there is a definite difference between passive and cautious. When you let people walk over you and you smolder in resentment, well, that's passive. Also if you're so uncomfortable with people you should not be uncomfortable around (family, friends, etc) that you always defer to their choices, that is also passive, not cautious.

to the person who complained: I'm well aware this color doesn't look good against navy that's why I picked it.

Double Post:
It's not that I hate them so much as I have no patience for them. My father is the very definition of passive-agressive, although that's beyond the scope of this conversation, and my boyfriend is hella passive. I've tried to get him to open up more and the sum of my efforts on him is that I'm exhausted with it. "How're you?" "How're you?" "How're you?" conversations are cute the first hundred times you have them, but now just tell me what the hell happened during your day nigger.

ANyway, I predict your experiment will fail.

Also, for the record anyway, I'm not surprised Minion is a bit touchy on the subject. He is so passive-agressive it rots my teeth (somehow).

I don't like passive people. They keep quiet, you never know what they are thinking or what they want, and they bitch after you've tried something. Apathy and cowardice is fucking disgusting. And a lurker, please tell me you are a woman :(.

I may not be understanding the definition of "passive" you guys are throwing around, but say you're with a group of friends wanting to grab some food. I'd much rather be the guy saying "I'm cool with whatever" than "I want McDonald's, bitches!"

If you're indifferent on an issue, shouldn't it be seen as a courtesy that you'd rather place other people's wants ahead of your own?

NES, passive is when you say that McDonald's is fine with you even though you'd much rather order a pizza. Then you don't say anything about it to anyone and just sit there not being happy.

I used to be a lot more passive than I am now. It's mostly because I've been dealing with a lot of people that only catch on to things if you say it directly to them (I'm the same way, so it's kinda assy of me to complain about it). I've also wound up being the decision maker for lots of the projects/labs/jobs I've had in the past few years, and it makes me realize how important it is to be able to make a decision and stick to it.

And passive-aggressive people usually become passive after you tell them to either say something or shut the fuck up a few times. EIther that, or you get really lucky and they finally start voicing their opinion.

Passive people bug me so much. Especially if you're trying to make plans or something. It's ok if we hang out sometimes but when everytime I'm making plans and they just go along, it bothers me. Don't you have a spine? An opnion? Why didn't you tell me you didn't like steak and we went to a steakhouse, god dammit. I start to feel guilty, like I'm bulldozing over that person when I'm trying not to.

I'm pretty passive aggressive in the sense that I don't like confrontation but when people pose a risk to me, I do things. Like move their staplers and never tell them. Of course when provoked enough, I'll slap a bitch but otherwise I like avoiding fighting.

Thanks for the clarification. I'm going to have to go with Minion on this and wonder whether people who are that passive really exist.

I mean, no one would be able to hold in their anger/dislike of something for so long without speaking up about it. I doubt that anyone is capable of unlimited passiveness, or at least no one I've ever met. But if the discussion is about that supposed kind of person, I think it's safe to say that everyone can agree it would be annoying as hell.

Unless all your friends are clones of yourself, as in Encephalon's example.

For me, I'm more passive with girls I'm really attracted to. It probably sounds like I'm a bastard but if she's not that pretty I feel like ordering what I damn well want on that pizza.

Why do I get the feeling that this is somehow derogatory in nature? Do you seriously think that just because we all have similar tastes it automatically makes us carbon copies of eachother who are just there to fellate eachother's egos?

You have a lot to learn about friends, son.

For whatever reason I can read it just fine on my other PC. I guess the contrast settings on my first PC are off. It's still retarded, though.

There seems to be a few different things being discussed at once here. Regarding the idea that you* can't stand anyone who's not a dick, bewilderment. Criticism of people who are passive aggressive, that I get. And to the disbelieve of some, yes, those sort of people very much do exist. They have a mindset that problems should be obvious from their reactions and it means a lot to that sort of person that the other party can recognize it and correct things without communication, or from their point of few, intervention. It's not always about fear of confrontation. It won't seem genuine of their mate/friend/family member if they are told that something is wrong, there seems to be no motivation of actual care when others are following instructions given. This is of course a warped viewpoint and everyone I've ever known like this are damned stubborn to break the habit.

But if you're going to go ahead and link together everyone mild mannered, laid back, anyone who holds back from being an asshole, lumping them all together with the extremely passive, you've lost me. Having no preference on where to go for lunch does not make you the scum of the earth, sorry. Nor does steering clear of contradicting your hothead boss.

"Passive," the definition I usually assign to the word is a far cry from the spineless sit in the dark and cry alone many here have very freely associated it to. I think of a passive person as calm and rational. It is not to say that a passive person does not make up their mind, it's that they try to keep from knee jerk reactions and actually give a little thought to even the smallest clear cut things before they do. And when they have, they have the courtesy not to impose their will upon anyone who disagrees. I do agree, though, that it's when a person lets their strongest convictions slide, that's a quality far from admirable.

I'm suggesting that there's a happy medium in this. I'd much rather have my circle include passive people than oppressive sorts. Scratch that, the people I know ARE like that. You think nothing is said and eggshells are walked on constantly? Far from it. Everyone I know is open and honest. We can debate our differences without hating each other. That's what it means to be passive to me. Tolerant. Withholding hasty judgement. Being willing to see yourself in the situation of others. It baffles me as to how these are character flaws.

*the crowd in general

Edit: Additional thought. Again, at the far end of the curve I would agree that this is bad, but I don't believe compromise to the point of sacrifice in moderation is so horrible. As long as there's acceptance in place of silent resentment, doing things you'd really rather not for the sake of others is a part life, of civility. This is all based on personal thresholds, of course, and is not to suggest that major lines would ever be crossed for the sake of benefiting others.

My hubby and I are both very assertive, although he is a man of few words. We butt heads a lot, but I wouldn't have him any other way. I'm not interested in anyone who isn't feisty like me.

Ack, that actually wasn't meant to be offensive in any way. I suppose it's too late to just put an emoticon with its tongue sticking out, but I definitely didn't mean that seriously. Sorry about that, man.

Actually, if I'm addressing the main question here, an assertive person is much more desirable in a relationship setting. To be straightforward with you significant other is vital to relationship health, the trick is to never make things petty. The ideal person would maintain a balance, being as forward as a serious situation might demand and restrained over minor annoyances. I guess I view most day to day occurrences just don't hold that sort of weight on average, so I'll come out arguing that in an average setting it's better to be passive, or at least it is not a damnable quality. And, yes, from where I sit, I envision more problems within group full of leaders than a group full of followers but I wasn't attempting to claim all out chaos for that crowd.

AAHHHHHH!

:( I think always taking the initiative would get annoying really fast. I personally love the stubborn, intelligent and headstrong type personality since these people are energizing to be around. In short, I wouldn't seek out a passive person, that would annoy the hell out of me.

But what if there's genuinely no problem from that end? Is it so hard to believe that being alright with things isn't an act? They should be sympathetic to what troubles you, sure, but if you find this happening constantly, dunno, maybe you aren't just imagining you're too touchy. Should they force themselves to care? Must be taxing on that person having treat everything like it's something substantial. I've witnessed and had those sorts of conversations before.

"I am ALWAYS taking care of such and such and you just assume that I'll take care of it, and I'm tired of it."

I am thinking, yes, pretty much, you have a point. You sound a little bit past the point of annoyance, though, yet this is the first I'm hearing about it. So she has a point and this shit really isn't worth an argument. I'll be apologetic. I will agree, say I didn't realize such and such particular thing got to her, and tell her I will try to improve.

"No, but you don't get it, you haven't been doing whatever whatever and it's always left up to me."

She doesn't really care to resolve anything at this point. She's just pissed and wants me to know it, wants to win an argument I'm not going to participate in. I'll repeat myself, she'll repeat herself. She wants me to get mad because how in the world get anything really get done without outbursts? And I do get a little pissed. I don't ask her to do this. She doesn't ask me to do this. And if she did, I would, but she doesn't, so I don't which makes it my fault for not doing what she was thinking. My god this argument is retarded.

"You never X either."

Jesus Christ, what? X will be some tiny act of neglect I did once three weeks ago.

The decisions you keep on making that the passive never does are things you should be doing for yourself and not lumping together you both as an item. Passive people realize this and that's why they don't understand how upset someone can be over natural apathy of their personal values over inconsequential things. Personal. You know, the ones that belong to them. There should be give and take, you should both compromise as long as the issue is put out in the open, but by and large, don't try force others to care as long as they aren't the problem.

Sorry to butt right in but

By the way you described passive, I would venture to say that I'm actually one of them sans the complaining after being dragged everywhere or force fed food I really didn't want to eat. I don't speak much even with my own friends and basically keep to myself:

1) English is not my native tongue and my words keep getting mixed up
2) I really don't care what I eat. My parents told me that African babies are starving so stop bitching about the pizza! At least you have something in your stomach.
3) I don't care where we go. I've actually lost so many friends moving around alot that just being indecisive with your friends is a joy for me.
4) I'm just naturally shy (but that doesn't mean I take crap from everyone, I just don't want to create a social mess that will bite me in the ass and one which I will have to clean up later)
5) I think that some people decide too quickly and that makes me look passive since I like to think things through. It's actually smart to not just jump right in like alot of aggressive people do.
6) I may have a submissive streak I really don't know about

So please, don't hate us passies. We have our reasons for being the way we are and being thought of as pansies is actually the last thing on our minds. :cow:

Wow Uzuki, you sure do talk a lot.

Anyway, I'm not going to try to debate anything, I'll just add my 2 cents from a recent relationship. I started dating this girl, and eventually came to realize that she was uber-passive to the extent that it started annoying the hell out of me. Almost ANY question I would ask would have an "I don't know" or "I don't care" response. I've never been so annoyed with passivity as I was with her. I've come to realize I need someone with opinions on things (hopefully more similar than different to my own). I mostly connect passivity to opinion. If you have a strong opinion, good. If you can stand up for it in a crowd of haters, even better, but not necessary, just have an opinion please.

Just wait till I get going. Now where was I? Ah, yes, Australia. I have a lot to say on the subject because I have both a lot of experience with it and feel the call to counterpoint those who want to dismiss this faster than they shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness. Good on you for one lining my defense of the unpopular opinion in here only to state how you dislike people who don't do just that. Zinger to contradiction in 100 words or less. I should strive for your conciseness.

I wouldn't call the mental laziness to avoid from mulling over any subject being passive. I'd call it being vacant. Or just not being compatible enough with you to be comfortable having even a semi-serious conversation. I'm pretty sure she had talks at length with the guy she was cheating on you with, after she caught her breath from the explosive, multiple orgasms.

I was zinging the amount of text you're using to state an opinion, not the fact that you had one.

(OH SNAP 1-LINE ZINGER #2)

Good for you.

(DAMN #3 on a ROLL)

Passive people are aggrevating to me. Especially in a relationship. I'd rather be alone than with someone who is intellectually transparent, even if it means I have to fuck myself every night.

There were problems, yes. I found out later that he would vent to his friends - not a bad thing in and of itself - but would not tell me about what he was bothered by.

Were you the one who was saying that passive people tend to be more perspective, and also prefer that their significant others divine what was bothering them and fix it on their own, without being told?

I'm only bringing that up because the rest of your argument sounds like you're solidly in that camp, but you expect her to tell you when something bothers her before it becomes annoying.

UM.

It has been in my experience that this is not true. The quality of letting someone deal with their shit on their own is not in the slightest an aspect of passivity.* Uh, but you need to talk to your woman about this instead of venting on the internet to people who can't effect your relationship.

* Over-controlling, passive people can be seen in passive-agressives and internet circle-jerks ("I DON'T LIKE FIGHTING SO LET'S EVERYONE SHUT UP NOW").

No no no. I said that passive people tend to not react immediately. This does not make them more perceptive. They can still come to flawed conclusions. And I stated that the passive aggressive is the sort that wants their girl/boy friend to read minds. Similar wording but very different classifications.

No smugness intended, but could you expound on this? Because it sounds as if our definitions are very far apart.

I'm the wanna be white knight that wants to sweep in and rescue as many people as possible yet I'm nuerotic(sp) b/c I know that I don't have anyone to save and never will.

For the most part though, I'm a push over unless you take it too far and then I snap.

I'm passive, in a way. I am a leader, yet however, at the same time, I will not make a decision. I am passive in that way. I will toss around suggestions that I'd like to do and that the group would like to do and then it's up to EVERYBODY to decide or give their input as well. If nobody wants to give their input, I'll fuck off, and leave and go elsewhere with the people who wanted to do the similar things as me.

I am impatient, and I hate it when people won't decide. (Even though myself, I will not decide unless I am asked what I want to do and that it is my choice.)

It's not something I seek, but that is the way my boyfirend is, he is very passive, and I feel like I am the boss or something... I want it to work both says. I even encourgae him to have more confidence, but it doesn't seem to work.

Sure. Assertive people don't care about running someone else's life for them. What they do care about is making other people know what their opinion is.

For instance, whenever some idiot in angst ignores everyone's suggestions for help, and the assholes start appearing who tell him to shape up or ship out.

Passive people are entirely capable of extreme clinginess. take for example tight-knit internet communities full of furries. They enable each other's behavior towards a downward spiral - not the furporn, but (for instance) living with their parents, avoiding work or higher education, applauding each other's bad art. It gets pretty creepily close sometimes.

There are also, of course, the passive-agressives who strive to annoy everyone around them eternally. That's a form of control in that it's impossible to have a good mood around them for long, among other things of course.

Double Post:
Why don't you have more compassion and tolerance to people like yourself? Alternately, why don't you push yourself to being more decisive?

ps you're a bad leader :bobofrowny:

I WILL decide, but only if people ASK ME to. If not, I run on majority vote.
I'll toss ideas, but I won't decide unless people ASK ME what *I* want to do or leave it up to me.

I feel like I'm intruding otherwise.

Eh, okay. I'm going to avoid going in depth about semantics. I agree with most of what people in this thread have outlined as bad qualities, particularly in a mate. I'm just not comfortable assigning the all encompassing title of "passive" to every single one of these traits. Especially when my friends describe me as, and I quote, "THE most passive person EVER." In association with this thread, ouch.

But I'm not at all like what's being described here, other than the fact that I'm not often a leader. I do stand up for myself. I'm not afraid to state my opinions. If I want to go to Taco Bell for lunch, I will be eating a goddamned burrito. I don't engage in faggotry over flaws to celebrate them. I don't hold secret grudges.

I still consider myself and I'm thought of by others as passive. Without all that ugliness attached to it, am I still doomed to be resented by the better half of mankind?

I'm passive and I don't mind passive people but I like aggressive and sassy people better. They pull me out of my passive state and I become more active. It's kinda like the okay sign for me to be casual and I feel that they won't judge me too harshly because they're more wild and expressive than I am.
So if you want my opion on what we should eat and I say, "whatever" you'll have to be agressive to me in a playful way. I find it fun and it puts me in a cheerful mood when people do that to me.

Those who don't really care about things generally anoy me (Yes I see being apathetic and passive as very closely related). Take a stand on the things that matter, and for those things that don't, let someone else take the reigns. With anything, you should an opinion on it one way or another.

As an example of something trivial: Do I care where we go to eat? Not really, I can find something I like in most places. I won't eat at KFC, McDonald's, or Burger King, nor will I go to the same place all the time. I have an opinion on the matter, despite what may come across as passive.

If you are going to go out, but haven't any real plans, think about what *you* want to do, and propose it. Looking out for #1 is *not* an inherently unapealing trait. Be considerate of the other person of course, but think/do/say what you feel like. Don't hold it back, and if you haven't an opinion on something, damn well think of one.

It's easy enough to have opinions, not force them on others, and to get along well if both people in a relationship are willing to do so. You don't have to be passive, nor do you have to be 'bossy' in order to get along well. You'll only annoy those around you (whether they tell you this or not) if you go too far.

Sincerity and conviction are the most important things. In Lurker's Internet community example, it's insincere, and therefore they are hurting each other in the end.