| The unmovable stubborn |
Apr 1, 2016 02:39 AM |
Ok gonna do this up one player at a time because an actual linear narrative isn't possible. Keep in mind everybody is the same character at different ages.
MENNO: Grows rich by cutting the middles out of aluminum cans somehow, but knows not the love of women. LURKER arrives from the far future to insist Menno go talk to a girl, but nope. Menno steals Lurker's briefcase full of plutonium, swapping it with an identical briefcase full of aluminum and glowsticks. A Cunning Ruse. Menno takes the briefcase to school, wherein his friends (and the erstwhile Abby Wright) are charmed by the radioactive mystery but all get turbocancer and die. Menno is wracked with despair, and the next 7 years lead him into a downward spiral of unkempt mustaches and trying to sell plutonium on Craigslist.
SKILLS picks up where Menno leaves off, noticing a bite on the Craigslist Plutonium hook and feeling his spirits lift. He waxes his mustache, puts on his best rainbow lipstick and sleeveless tux, and hits the bars. Who does he meet but the lovely former First Lady, Michelle Obama, and they retire to Skills' shabby motel where Michelle pegs him for many an hour, long into the night. Skills' forehead is inadvertently mashed into a wall mirror, which activates the TIME VORTEX. With his bottom half in the motel being rammed and his upper half floating in the vortex, he receives and offer from ACER: a two-ton box containing two ions. Alas, it is too wide to fit through the mirror. Skills passes out at the end of his erotic interlude, and awakes to find both Mrs. Obama and the briefcase gone but a new power - the power to smell cancer - is his to command. Skills travels the world, diagnosing cancer by smell, but the world is not ready. After a few years his reputation catches up with him, and he is thrown into Lake Superior Pond, judged guilty as a cancer witch. Drowning and desperate, he mashes his forehead into a mirror at the bottom of the pond.
ACER picks up here, drifting in the time vortex for a decade and gradually becoming a DeLorean for reasons. SHADE makes several abortive attempts to pull him from the vortex but is thwarted because Acer cannot read calendars. Finally, Shade and Diss are able to work together to pull DeLorean Acer from the vortex, whereupon he immediately begins to complain of needing an oil change. Shade attempts to use Acer to run over Lurker, who has just burned down the bingo hall with Michelle Obama inside. It is no use. OIL CAN. Then Acer turns into a phone booth because reasons. Diss dials in a new destination for the three of them, and upon arrival Shade immediately ditches him for yet another adventure. The trauma of having his dial wiggled causes Acer's Weird Vortex Ghost to be knocked free of the phone booth and he awakes in his easy chair with a start. It was all a dream... or was it? Years pass, and he enjoys a peaceful life with his entirely hallucinatory family, including the long-dead Abby Wright. At length, he decides to venture down to the bingo hall and try his luck one fine Sunday evening.
DISS picks up here, and he's very close to a bingo when a real commotion arrives in the hall. LURKER's on the run through time, being pursued by Michelle Obama and a large bear. Diss has no time to react before Lurker torches the bingo hall, leaving Diss the only survivor. He claws free of the wreckage to find SHADE, who seeks assistance in freeing Acer from THE TIME VORTEX. Diss has nothing better going on since bingo night is ruined, so fine. After assorted DeLorean/booth shenanigans, Diss returns to Lake Superior Pond, a location he remembers from his distant youth. As he paddles out over the aluminum-y water, a briefcase bobs to the surface. A briefcase... full of plutonium. Unsure what to do with such a hot potato, he stores it under the local bingo hall.
SHADE will never forgive or forget Lurker's senseless killing of Michelle Obama, and seeks to create the most precise time travel instrument possible to prevent the incineration of the bingo hall. Such an instrument would require... immense power. Conveniently, the plutonium is still where Diss left it. He spends his twilight years struggling to create the perfect chronomanipulative apparatus, becoming a wizened, skeletal creature, riddled with immense cancers that can never truly kill him because his system is plated with aluminum shavings. He resolves to return to the point that started it all.
LURKER arrives to hector Menno at the story's chronologically earliest point and has her briefcase stolen. She later tracks the case down in the hands of Skills and swipes it back, but Michelle Obama is hot on her tail. Michelle and Lurker are entangled in a peg-off but Lurker manages to get free. She traps Michelle (and a bear) in a bingo hall before burning the building down, using gallons of petroleum jelly as an accelerant. She gets away clean, enjoying a lovely meal at IHOP before showing off the tumor disaster that is her body to all the geriatric residents of the town. Lurker whiles away her remaining years with an endless buffet of assisted-living-facility lewdness, and at long last travels back to the shore of Lake Superior Pond, throwing the plutonium briefcase into the water before dying peacefully of a massive heart attack and then haunting the ruins of the bingo hall as a spooky binghost.
|
