My good friend Eshind always say, land sakes Cal. When the world's ganging up on ya, when someone kills yer dog or shoots yer horse, best be keeping yo' frustrations out of youse head with a lidda bit o' fornicatin'!

Suddenly, I am beside Denny's corpse, with a leering troll right next to me. This is it, Cal. Snap out of it. Hugging the nearest pillar as if I were wrapping my hands on Denny's soft silky mane, I start to hump it.

The Hulk raises his fist, and I thought he was going to hit me silly. But no, he pat me on the head.

That's right, I forgot. I'm currently in the transformed priest form, with tentacles to boot. That explains the mystery!

Alas, Eshind's advice didn't work. I stand there, frustrated, unfulfilled, and decidedly still morose.

Climb check on dat pillar: DC 15 with Athletics 3 = 12+ to succeed.
Move action to climb pillar; attract Opportunity Attack from Hulk first.
Slam against Cal, +11 vs AC 22, climbing grants +2 combat advantage but Cal's Defensive Mobility negates this. 11+ to succeed, miss.
Move to climb fails.
Exchange standard action for move to attempt climb again. Fuck you dice.
Changeling Trick vs. Hulk. Oh so NOW I get a crit. Feh.

What this fuck is this thing, up in his grill?

Glock knows it will try to molest him, but standing near it is just too disheartening. So off he goes.

Move to M-48

Mangler B AoOs me.
13 + 12 = 25 > 22. Hit by AoO.
5+3 = 8 damage.

It occurs to Glock that this play lacks any sort of musical accompaniment. How sad. How are we supposed to know the hero's feeling kinda in the dumps if there's no mad tunes to back a brother up?

Filling in for the complete lack of brass instruments, the robot decides that he could at least be a steel one.

Get the Flash Player to play this audio file:
Tune of Ice and Wind
Centered on P-50
Garr shifts to N-48
Skex to N-49
Crit on Hulk.
6 + 8 = 14 > 19. Miss on Mangler B.
Damage is 17 / 2 = 8 damage to Mangler B.
Hulk is hit for 17 + 1 (fuck off) = 18.
Mangler slowed until my next turn,
Hulk slowed until save.

Activate Lucky Charm.
3 doesn't help enough to hit Mangler. Oh well. :(

How fortunate. His friends start rockin' out. The dragon breaks it down and jives up front, while the human moonwalks into a further defensive position. The giant starts breakdancing, which doesn't go over too well in the muck, there's no way he'll keep up if he dances like that for too long. The other Mangler just sort of shakes his booty a bit. He doesn't seem so enthused. Maybe he's just partially deaf. Even when Glock's manly necklace starts glowing, making the music all that much more badass, the little black shithead just shrugs. What bad taste he has.

Goggle Hulk.

Impressed by the moves that giant possesses, Glock takes a moment to scan it. Maybe if he figures out how it's gonna act, he can learn to do that too.

With a sudden burst of funky fresh wind still ringing in his ears, Gheth takes a moment to catch his breath and call down a ferocious reproach on their attackers.


Bloodied triggers Dragonborn Fury
Daunting Light on Hulk
Use Stone of Avandra's Power (21 damage to hulk, combat advantage granted to Gordok)
Action Point
Second Wind

Alarmed by the ease with which the Hulk had nearly flattened Gordok, G-Unit turns its attention on eliminating it quickly. Of course, with Cal now the likely target of the beast's anger, the situation was rather less desperate. I mean, sure, they'd still kill it, but ehhhhhh. Curious about whether saving Cal's life would keep him up late, Glock takes a quick scan of the monstrosity.

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile/scan_hulk.png

A quick prayer from Gheth brings a column of fire down from the sky, but while it wounds the Hulk most grievously, it also makes him quite angry indeed.

Hulk bloodied.

Finding himself unceremoniously deposited back in the center pit, Cal's first impulse is to flee. He futilely scrabbles at the support beam, no more able to romance the shaft than Gordok had been. In desperation, he attempts to distract the Hulk and buy some time.

"Look there! A tasty steak!"

While the Hulk does indeed idly glance around for the promised snack, the ruse does nothing to prevent the pounding Cal is about to receive. Having no reason to think the halfling's disappearance was anything more than a petty trick, the Hulk puts his full strength into punishing the puny little bastard. The Hulk was never a great intellect, but he wasn't about to be fooled by a pair of stilts. Oh no indeed! His massive arm sends a vicious right hook plowing into Cal's jaw, sending the ranger reeling.

Slam: +19 vs AC, 3d10+9 damage (when bloodied). 23 damage to Cal (bloodied).

The Seer could not be more delighted with the progress of events, his hostage having evidently made him entirely immune to retaliation. Feeling puckish, he decides a small illusion might be in order. Before Cal's horrified eyes, Denny's lifeless head seems to pull itself from the water and fix him with an accusatory stare. In a low, hateful voice, the horse intones:

"No sir, I didn't like it."

Warp Orb: 7 damage to Cal (dazed)

Gordok 24, Manglers 22, Garrmondo 22, Glock 21, Gheth 13, Cal 22, Hulk 6, Seer 24

I didn't see the huge fist coming until it was too late. The force of the impact wrenches my jaw out of alignment and sends me barreling backwards. Drunkenly, I staggered first to the left, before rebalancing to the right.

http://www.dethstarz.com/images2/44/glass_joe.jpg

Reflexively, my hands grab hold of the nearest anchor - in this case the creature's loincloth. As I fly backwards from his super punch, the fabric rips off from the rampaging Hulk's body.

Even if the Seer hadn't reanimated my dear beloved horse, I'd have been dazed regardless, due to awe at the revelation of Red Hulk's sheer masculinity.

Yield Ground, to N-47, via O-46. Basically if Pang says I should stop at O-46, then I stop at O-46.
HP Counts: Hulk 27, Mangler A 37 max, Mangler B 35 max

~WAVY DREAM SEQUENCE~

It seems that although Cal had gotten plenty far away from the danger before Gordok made a sudden switch with him it did not change the water situation at all. The halfling could stand up or he could drown. Or! Or. Or. Or. He could swim! In a sudden fury of bubbles Gordok emerges a beautiful iffish! As the iffish slowly moves towards his point of attack he selects a freezing spell of sorts from a mysterious rotating ring.

minor: Wild Shape iffish
move: crawl to M-45

The iffish knows a coward when it sees one and with a mighty leap that only the mighty dickery of the iffish can achieve it unleashes icy fury. Somewhere in another time salty tears form as a nine-year-old child smashes an oddly jeweled corded contraption against a wall due to similar circumstances.

standard: Tundra Wind Cal

A frozen missile screams across the water and into the hulk, but it does not have much of an effect on the hulk. The changething is not looking too good after the impact, however the iffish does not seem to care. It's an asshole like that.

Action Point: Second Wind


Damage: 13 to Cal, 4 to hulk
Cal is now located at P-47

http://www.thegond.com/gff/dnd/gordo...lsuffering.png

Gordok had an amusing thought as he glimpses Cal seemingly fleeing once again from his place down in the water. Ah well it is time Gordy took care of business now. The halfling manages to point his wand in the general direction of the hulk and barely misses, but the massive flames still manage to scorch the Hulk.

standard: Tyranny of Flame Hulk
16/2 = 8 damage to Hulk

The water is becoming a bit of a problem but in troubled times such as these Gordok remembers a beautiful creature he witnessed back in his voyaging days and takes its angelic form.

minor: Wild Shape juvenile mola mola
move: crawl to N-47

The sunfish gracefully swims toward all the fuss and sirens out its plea for delicious, supple jellyfish.

http://www.thegond.com/gff/dnd/sunfi...songforyou.png

Action Point: Roar of Terror O-48,S-52
28 damage to the hulk, dazed (save ends)
8/2 = 4 damage to mangler a, dazed until next turn
8/2 = 4 damage to mangler b, dazed until next turn

The hulk collapses into the Gechmirian fetal position which is a recent discovery doctors see from time to time as fishermen come ashore rendered helpless at the sight of dead fish eyes insisting the fish are out to steal their very souls. The manglers are much more fortunate only frozen for what will most likely be but a moment in their tracks. However their towering ally may not make it through this one.

Action Point: Second Wind

The mola mola blubs a satisfying blub as it sucks in a passing theatre pamphlet.


Damage total: Hulk - 36 damage, mangler a - 4 damage, mangler b - 4 damage

Preoccupied by a strange and beautiful daydream, Gordok absent-mindedly transforms into the most terrifying fish that has ever existed. Despite the absence of any lungs, the finned terror issues the most terrifying and sonorous... bubbling noise.

"Bloop. Bloop bloop."

Unbeknownst to the rest of those assembled, the Hulk had one weakness. The sight of the hideous fish stirs up old and unbearable memories in the mind of the giant foulspawn, and with a mighty groan he topples into the water as his mighty heart just plumb gives up on him. Who can even guess at the strange history between this quite harmless fish and this otherwise strong and manly specimen? It remains a mystery forever.

Hulk dead!

Their massive ally falls dead at the mere sight of a little fish, and the manglers are utterly dumbfounded. They still fling their knives at the cowardly priest, sure, but... it's just not the same. Their hearts aren't in it.

Manglers A&B both throw daggers at Cal; both miss. ffffffFFFFTTTT

:savepoint: Garrmondo 22, Glock 21, Gheth 13, Cal 22, Seer 24, Gordok 24, Manglers 22

Glock knew he was forgetting something.

There was something that wasn't one of these little bastards, and he was WAYYY back there. Fuck that guy, man.

Cupping his hands to his mouth, he yelled out one of the most foul insults the world has ever seen.

Shame though. The seer was just barely in earshot, and he heard what could only be described as whispers about....his sister, maybe? Something about a park bench, a badger, and a pineapple. Who knows. Hard to tell.

Extreme range Vicious FAILURE on Seer

Squinting to see his adversary, all Glock's robo-optics can see is one ugly motherfucker shrugging.

The robot spends the next six seconds standing there making a stoic face.

With the hulk down for the count and the battle turning, Gheth pressed the advantage against the staggered mangler, bringing holy fire down into his midst.
Continuing to take stock of the situation, Gheth sees Cal remains on his feet, but it's clear he's had the ever loving shit beaten out of him . Gheth gives him a nod of encouragement that he hopes is enough.

Even as he advances on the mangler, Gheth imagines he hears the Hulk's last breath come out-- barely above a whisper.

"Me felt like destroying something beautiful."

Move to P-49
Lance of Faith on Mangler B (10 damage, +2 to Garrmondo's hit roll)
Bastion of Health on Cal (Surge + 4)

The combat appears to have swung in our favor, but we're not out of the woods yet. Denny, my dear beloved horse insists on talking to me. Upset, perhaps, at my admiration of the Red Hulk's magnificent masculinity.

"Geh-gehny, no! I swear I gried everygring I coug goo to sage you! Bug no... I gaileg... I...."

The dragonborn's curt nod miraculously wrenches my busted jaw back into place. Wow, is this what it's like to be healed during combat? First time for everything, I guess!
HP + 15

Preoccupied with the spectre, I am naturally left with little time than to do a single attack. And that is, to ventilate one of the very rude manglers who interrupted the conversation between Denny and I with his clumsily-thrown blade! The manly fighter and the brave dragonborn have the first well and truly cornered, so let's punish the second!

"I'm in the middle of a conversation here! Would you please mind your own business?!!"

Twin Strike vs. Mangler A.
Action Point: Twin Strike again.
AC22 - dazed 2 + cover 2 = 22, 11+ with Twin Strike hits.
Mangler A receives 2 hits: 9 + 10 + 2 + 2 = 23 HP damage.
Activate Poisoned Longbow. Mangler A receives 5 ongoing poison and is weakened (save ends both).
Cal saves vs. Dazed (19).

HP counts:
Mangler A: 9
Mangler B: 7


When my eyes draw back to Denny, he's dead and as silent as he ever was.

What just happened?

With the rest of his cohort either dead or battered beyond recognition, the Seer reluctantly abandons his cover. These idiots had retreated so far beyond the stage that his spells could no longer reach them otherwise. His teleportation would keep him in one piece... for a little while.

Shoving the old man aside, the Seer slogs toward the party. The metal man in the back is shouting... something. It's hard to hear, the acoustics are terrible in here. Some theatre. Regardless, he'd have to retort somehow.

"YOUR INSULTS ARE SO POORLY CONVEYED!"

And was it not true that Glock had failed many times to successfully insult the Seer? The foulspawn's insightful words cut down to his cold metal heart. He'd have to get some new material once he got back to the city. Take in some shows, steal what he had to steal. Professional courtesy don't get a man paid. Glock ruminates on this problem at length, paying little attention to the mop-up happening around him.

Warp Orb: 16 damage to Glock; bloodied and dazed (save ends)

:savepoint: Gordok 24, Manglers 22, Garrmondo 22, Glock 21, Gheth 13, Cal 22, Seer 24

His work done, the mola mola rises to the surface. A bubbling froth pours forth and the halfling emerges flicking back his hair.

http://www.thegond.com/gff/dnd/gordo...fyourworld.png

It's not quite as flashy as he imagines it. Gordok disregards these opinions and fires off at a mangler making a scowl of disapproval. Critics.

Move: Stand up
Minor: Wild Shape backtohalfling
shift to O-47
Standard: Eldritch Blast mangler A

10 damage to mangler A

As the halfling emerges from the water, he swiftly dispatches the hated mangler. Little did he know that Cal's poisoned arrow would have killed the beast before it could act, rendering his attack somewhat unnecessary. Still, it's one more notch that the ranger wouldn't get to put on his bow. Worth it.

The last mangler cautiously steps away from Garrmondo, who still takes a swing. The little bastards were just too nimble! Pulling the last of its bone daggers from its belt, the mangler aims for Glock. The bard is far too distracted by thoughts of his own rhetorical inadequacy to notice the incoming knives until they're protruding from his neck. Entirely too late, he thinks of a cutting insult to direct at the mangler but nothing comes out but gurgling noises. Glock topples into the water, deeply disappointed in himself.

Throwin' Bone Daggers: 27 damage to Glock (Dyin')

:savepoint: Garrmondo 22, Glock 21 (KO), Gheth 13, Cal 22, Seer 24, Gordok 24, Manglers 22

Slowly sinking to the bottom of the deceptively deep lake they're in, Glock ends up coming to a rest on a deep undersea rock.

The water may be messing with his optics a bit, but....nah. Is that crab...singing?

YouTube Video

Gheth was concerned for his robot friend, but the gurgles coming to the surface of the water sounded distinctly....jaunty?

Well, as long as he was having fun.

Healing Word on Glock (surge +11)
Move to R-51
Lance of Faith on Seer (crit! 22 damage)

One foe remaining. And by all indications, a very slippery one. I line up a clear shot and train my bow on him. If he tries any of this teleportation nonsense, he's going to get hurt.

Hang on, Denny. Just a few seconds and this will be over, and I can give you a proper burial as befits the Amah of Rhee.

Move to R-44.
Seer is my quarry.
Ready an Action: Twin Strike vs. seer.
Trigger: seer takes any action (move, teleport, attack) I don't feel like rolling dice. You roll, Pang.

Even as the wonderful magical crab sang his jaunty tune, Glock felt something tugging him back toward the surface. He didn't want to go back. What was up there, anyway? A bunch of sand. Glock hated sand. It was rough, and irritating, and it got everywhere... not like the ocean. Everything here was soft and smooth...

Glock's head breaks the surface of the water, little sparks flying as the muck drains out of his head. What the fuck was that shit? He'd been spending way too much time with the halfling. Once he got out of this damp shithole it was high time he found himself some less goofy company. Or perhaps some hookers. He could go either way, really.

Gheth lunges at the seer, holy fire lancing from the point of his spear — but again the foulspawn just teleports out of the way. It would have hit him dead center, too.

Bend Space, teleport to T-50.

Damp, horseless, and fed up, Cal waits for the right moment. He nocks two arrows, pulls back the string, and waits.

With his adrenaline up, the Seer already has another teleport ready — but he can't dodge everything, not while he's still materializing from the last jaunt. As he distracts the bard with yet another magical vision of undersea life, Cal looses the arrows. For an agonizing moment they seem to pass right through the seer's still-translucent chest — coming to an abrupt stop as the fat bastard fully solidifies. So that was the trick. Cal had been firing at where the foulspawn was, not where he was going to be!

Warp Orb: 9 damage to Glock (dazed, save ends)
Twin Strike: 14 damage to Seer

:savepoint: Gordok 24, Garrmondo 22, Glock 21, Gheth 13, Cal 22, Seer 24

After a brief disappearance Glock resurfaces surrounded by his own fluids. Yeah, G-buddy doesn't look very good or all that capable of defending himself. Gordok moves to his side to give him what little cover he can.

Move to N-48

From there he can still reach the seer. Dexter makes several rude gestures in its direction. In full agreement with his little pal Gordy sends out his warlock blessing followed by a bolt of contempt.

Warlock Curse seer - 1 damage, seer cursed
Eldritch Blast seer - 12 damage, 5 curse damage

Total: 18 damage to seer

Going before Garr

Having to leave his fishy friends behind made Glock a little sad.

But he can't be sad. Emotions are for the weak fleshy things. Be strong, robot. Be strong.

Warforged Resolve.
+6 real HP.
+11 Temp HP.

All these hits to the head makes Glock's CPU go into quantum overdrive. Suddenly everything moves in slow motion. It's almost like he can predict every move the enemy asshole is going to take.

Action Point. Glimpse the Future.
Oh go FUCK yourself

Then again perhaps not. He's just hallucinating again.

"What the FU—"

The seer barely has time to react before the massive corpse slams into him, the momentum carrying both foulspawn toward the swirling yellow light hovering near the back of the theatre. Both bodies vanish into the bright vortex, though the seer's horrified screams are still audible for about 5 seconds — whereupon they are punctuated by a distant thud.

Bresnick (though now safely out of harm's way) remains completely unresponsive. Evidently paying no attention whatsoever to the battle or its aftermath, he appears to be preoccupied with an odd-looking chunk of set dressing.

Denny's corpse releases the contents of its bowels into the water.

VICTORY!

1800 XP (360 each)