But at least if it happens again you'll rest easy knowing you did everything in your power to make it work by not making any rash decisions. I just can't see throwing away a perfectly great relationship because a person did something that is human nature to do - once. God, you people are insecure.

Yeah, if you love the person, you'll try. But forgiving and forgetting will only make it feel like you're the one who did something wrong. Why should you be the one to work harder when it was your partner that cheated? Cheating is about breaking bonds of trust. Can you ever trust this person again?

Besides, it can't have been a "perfectly great relationship" to begin with if someone cheated. Saying that you're throwing it away is truly exaggarated. Either there is a communications problem or a problem with lack of respect for the other. In my opinion it is the cheater, not the cheated, who throws the relationship away. Who ever agreed to the open relationship, anyway? Break the rules, out you go. At the same time I don't expect my partner to forgive me if I ever cheated (which I won't).

About insecurity: I say it's the insecurity that makes one stay in such a relationship as opposed to leaving it. For instance; Insecurity related to the fear of being alone (of course, this doesn't apply to all cases).

Yeah, and this "human nature" thing your talking about? Bullshit. It's also human nature to kill other people or steal someone's belongings. Would you forgive someone if he/she killed your kids and blamed it on "human nature"?

"I just had this urge and I couldn't help it. Please forgive me, I'm only human"

"Oh, alright. We know you've only done this once and it is human nature after all. Let's be friends". :P

My guess is: No, you wouldn't, because you know that these acts are "wrong". Killing is wrong. But why do you know this? Is that part of human nature as well? Haha, don't make me laugh. No one has these standards from birth. It's all part of socialization. These actions are deemed "wrong" because they cause other people great suffering, be it psychological, physical, economical or social. THAT and because it is most oftenly our human nature that invokes these actions. The very same "human nature" that you claim makes people cheat. I, however, do not think that people who are sane can ever be FORCED into doing something that is "human nature". You ALWAYS have a choice. You can choose to A. Ignore your current partner's feelings and cheat or B. walk away. No "human nature" can take these choices away from you. No one is forcing you to cheat, you choose to do it. The same goes with stealing and killing as well. Why should cheating be an exception?

Personally, I think that if you want to sleep with someone else, break it off with the one you're with first. These are my own ethics and I stand by them. If my partner can't respect that then I'm better off without her.

First, I would never get sexually involved with my girlfriend. At all. However, if my [future] girlfriend did cheat on me, I'd leave her. She would have forfieted my trust, and there are consequences to that. So that's what I'd do if she wasn't repentant.

If she was repentant, I'd forgive her, but then I'd still leave her. Anyway, that's my thought on it.

Is this some sort of religious thing?

I don't get it either.

I'm actually on Alice's side here. There is virtue in trust but people make mistakes and have moments of weakness. It is naive to think that trust is unbreakable and that your significant other or better half will remain eternally faithful. However, on the flip side, you know yourself the best. If you know you are the type of person who gets easily jealous and don't forgive people easily, cheating would effect you more adversely than someone who is more laid back and open minded about sexual experimentation.

Alice's final statement about security really struck a chord with me. Security in a relationship and in general doesn't come from other people or other factors but it comes from within. No doubt, cheating is a big deal but it will work to test your tolerance of emotional pain, capacity to change and the willingness to forgive. For those who haven't been cheated on (I'm assuming there are several of you in the thread), just know that until you experience it yourself it is quite a rude awakening. The values you once set for your relationships will change unless you were absolutely secure and confident to begin with.

Indeed it is.

So many of the marraiges I know of are actually this way. Of course, if someone's "religious", then that gives them incentive to be this way.

So that's the way I look at it.

In relationships, I've found myself to be very laid-back, I don't get jealous easily or often. Sure, there are always those little sparks of jealousy, mental reactions like "Wait, you'd rather spend time with this other person than me?" or "This is more important to you than what I have lined up?" but it's usually fairly easy for me to shrug those off the moment they show up.

But if she cheated on me?

I really don't know. It might be difficult for a while after the cheating occurred, but honestly, I think I would stay with her. My rule about cheating, though I've never had a chance to see if it works very well (thank goodness) is that once is forgivable under most circumstances, but I won't stick around if it happens twice.

My reasoning behind it is that everyone has a GOOD reason for everything they do, even if they don't know it consciously. So if she cheats, there's something lacking in the relationship and I'm willing to try to work with her to figure out what it is and overcome it. But if she does it a second time, obviously she's NOT willing to work with me and can't control her urges, and that's not someone I want to be with anyway.

I'm not saying that cheating is always a mistake or always unintentional, I'm not quite that naive, but I am saying that everyone has desires, and I'm pretty sure everyone has desires they "shouldn't" and sometimes they act on them, for whatever reason.

It would be easier to forgive if the cheater confessed and felt remorse, I'm sure, rather than me having to find out myself and confront them about it.

Hope you look for girls who share your views, then, otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.

Eh? Sexual experimentation? I'm all in for trying different stuff, but I don't get why I should forgive someone who wants to experiment with other people. Your statement has no ground in my book.

For the record, I have been cheated on. I have to admit that forgiving is a circumstancial thing. If she would have told me right away and felt sorry about it it would have been one thing, I might have forgiven her, but she kept lying about it and it dragged on for quite a long time before she confessed. By that time, the relationship was already doomed so I decided to break it off. Since then, my values HAVE changed. I WAS a bit naive. Naive to think that it would work out in the end. I was insecure at that time and I kinda felt ashamed to talk about it, like it was my fault.
Luckily, my values have changed and I've gotten a lot stronger. I will not tolerate it if the same thing happens again. As I said before, life is too short to spend on assholes who cheat. If yo want to experiment, don't get into a relationship.

Yeah, me too.

A few minutes isn't overly terrible. :)

I'm glad you cleared things up Sword Familiar. For the most part, I feel that people contributing to the thread have spoken through hypotheticals. Of course we can all say what we would and should do if cheating happenes, but when you are caught in the moment, you don't think so clearly. You do things that arent characteric to you and you alter your values. Its easy for someone to say that they would never ever tolerate cheating, but if you found someone you truly loved (not neccessarily the perfect person keep in mind) I am sure the story would go differently. Your story outlined that to me (or at least I think.) For some, strong feelings and unwillingness to let go may lead you to stick it through. Its different for different people. What I'm really trying to say is that cheating is circumstantial, as you have mentioned, but also hard to predict one's reaction to.

In any case, my statement was not directly specifically towards you but I'm glad someone responded.

As for sexual experimentation, there are some people I know who prefer multiple partners or open relationships. Not really my thing but theres an alternative to monogamy that isnt being single.

Yeah well, if it's a mutual agreement it isn't cheating.

-_-;;;

Ooops.

It depends on a few things. What exactly do you mean by affair(how bad), Sometimes things happen in accident. Sometimes they don't really love the person, see the mistake and love you more. I think If i cought her doing another guy then yeah it will hurt alot. I guess I would probably let her go because obviously i am not satisfying her and she isn't happy with me. Yes i'd blame myself is that wrong? maybe. If I found out she was just simply being a flurt with someone else again I am obviously not good enough and would have to talk to her about that. If i cought her kissing another guy then i would have to enterigate her on what actualy happened. I can tell when a women lies. Hell i grew up around them.

Claiming you can ALWAYS tell when a women (lol) lies is kind of like claiming you're ALWAYS right. It's a statement that's true only in your mind, more often than not. Also, I am at a loss to explain how you grew up at all, if you were around womens when you were supposed to be doing this so-called "growing up." "Grown-up" and "women" just don't go together unless you're real lucky.

All right so maybe that was a little bit harsh. Sorry womens. Didn't completely mean that. Only halfway. Two-thirds maybe.

And if you overreact that much about a women simply flurting (best spelling EVAR, will use from now on) then I would suggest you never have a relationship, because flurting happens naturally even if the two people aren't attracted to each other, on a conscious level anyway. "Flurting" near as I can tell is just a label put on "joking around." Every time I give my waitress a hard time and tease her about the way she takes our orders or something, I am accused of flurting with my waitress, but I say Nay, this is not my intent. I am simply comfortable with myself and she provided the opportunity for a joke or a jab, so I took it, much the same as I would do with any of my friends or even slight acquaintances. And chances are I made her day ten times better with my hilarious "flurting" which gave her a break from all the grumpy sourpusses that line the tables here. No no, if that was flurting, then I flurt with everyone, including guys.

I just wouldn't be able to stay with someone if they ever cheated on me, because any relationship that I've ever been involved with even though I haven't had too many relationships in particular are built upon trust and honesty.

I guess I can't really say for certain what I would do, because I've never been put in that situation before and I hope I never have to know what the experience feels like. Even if I did go through this experience of someone cheating on me, I'd probably be more hard on myself than the person that actually cheated on me. I would think that I obviously didn't do a very good job of being a good bf and she seeked someone else that could make her happier. Unfortunately, thats the type of person I am, I tend to be more hard on myself than other people especially if it means me going through a negatvie consequence at the end. Its always what could I have done to not let this happen, and what can I do to improve upon it, not nescessarily what the person did was horrible.

Its just for me, my take on relationships, is if I'm with any woman, she will always be one of my first priorities and above anything else I remain to be faithful to her through good times and bad times. I guess trust is always going to be fundamental factor in any relationship and I think its one of the best building blocks toward the foundation of a long and stable relationship.

I will agree with Alice's statement to a point, that we are just animals and we do have a certain male animal instinct to pass off our horomones to as many females as possible. Yes, human beings do have moments of weakness, but human beings have a higher brain function as well. I will try my best to never let a moment of weakness destroy a great relationship I have with gf.

Alice you might be familiar with my situation, back a few months ago. I have a gf who has a slim to 0 sex drive. To be honest I'm actually in the process of propsing to her within the next 6 months. She feels bad, that she is not as intimate as what I would like her to be. She has even said in this forum that she wouldn't mind me having sex with other people, as long as I didn't love them. Even for the fact I did have permission from her to be intimate with other women, I wouldn't act upon it. I would still consider it as cheating.

If any woman is willing to give me a chance to be a positive influence in their life, I am going to be faithful to them without a second thought. In terms of moments of weakness, have I had lustful feelings for other women during the entire time I've been with my gf, of course I have and she knows that, but will I ever act upon them; of course not. I have turned down one night stands during the time I've been with her.

Deep down, I'll always try my best to never let a moment of weakness get the better of me especially when I'm in a relationship. As well, if anybody cheated on me I would probably not forgive them 99.5% of the time, but it all really depends on the situation and the circumstances. The trust has been broken, and its a bond for me that is not mended very easily. If I feel I can be mentally strong enough not to cheat, I would like to expect the same from my significant other. Besides if for any apparent/unknown reason I did cheat, I wouldn't expect my gf to take me back either, and even if she did I wouldn't accept it because I failed her and I failed myself.

I don't know if i would stay with my partner if they cheated on me. If they admitted it to me, then there may be a slim chance that we could work it out, but if I found out through someone else, or caught them in the act, I wouldn't be able to forgive them.

I would more than likely not stay with my partner if they had cheated on me though, I just wouldn't be able to look at them, or treat them the same than before they cheated on me, knowing that they had been with another person.

I hate to jump back a few pages but Alice does have an good point htouhg.

After being with someone for 10-20 years you may feel sad and so much more but when you have young children or teens. They need both of you to be there for them. Some parents, hell some of my parents friends kept together just cause of kids. They sometimes had sex but they compromise for the sake of thier kids to have both mother and father to be there. Some went even has far as becoming swingers or able to share and etc but the only rule was to be back before a certain time around 10 or so the kids never got wind of it till well they were 18+ or whatever.

Sometimes it's best to stick together through hardships, it shows maturity to me to be able to work out things like this especially for your kids.

I don't think I'd be able to be strong enough to forgive someone if they cheated and still wanted to stay with me. I'm real big on the whole trust thing in relationships and the idea of my significant other cheating on me is really painful.

I admire people who could be strong enough to forgive someone for cheating on them...

i used to think no, don't stay. Now i reckon life is not just black and white. a lot would depend on the situation and why they did it.

I agree and obviously i was kidding on the always tell about lies thing. On the contrary I am very gullable. I do however stand by the fact that i did grow up around wemon (male bashing women at that.) however you want to take that.

I "grew up" around male-bashing wemon (lol again) as well. 5 sisters, 3 brothers, and I am the middle child. So I know where you're coming from.

Hell No! I just cant trust them anymore and the sight of the cheater's fakes makes me puke.

I really don't agree with you on this. Breaking a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you're breaking off with your kids. Even if your parents doesn't have a relationship with eachother, it doesn't mean that they won't be there for their kids. I would rather my mom and dad be separated and happy, than living together and loathing eachother. Kids notice these things. If your parents are not happy, your kids most likely won't be either.

For the record, my parents have been separated for as long as I can remember. And that's ok, because I know they love me, and I know that they are happier this way. I don't know why they broke up in the first place, but I realize they were mature enough to come to the conclusion that it wasn't going to work. Ok, they hadn't been together for 10-20 years, but that doesn't really make any difference. It's better this way. They are both there for me, and they are both happy. What more could I possibly ask for?