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Gamingforce Choco Journal
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Entries 345 entries in total [view entry calendar]
Private 6 entries are private (1.74% of total)
Views 68974
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Comments 1298 comments (3.76 avg) [view stats]
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Buddies 31 buddies
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Dec 25, 2017 - 08:39 PM
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays
Yeah basically.. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays


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[public entry #339]

Apr 16, 2013 - 02:20 AM
I hope all our fellow GFF'er
in the boston area are safe. That's all I really wanted to say after the events of today.

Also if any family or friends of GFF'er were involved, witness or harmed in the bombing, my thoughts are with you.

I guess it goes out to everyone out in that area but i especially mean it for my fellow members.


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[public entry #338]

Mar 11, 2013 - 01:55 PM
I'm frozen in fear..
It's been almost 3 months since the accident and I honestly thought I was going to be okay. I figured that I would just do the samething that I do with everything else that stresses me out. Joke around about it, laugh and power through it.

I don't know if I can do it this time. The accident has made me questioned my own existence to the point where I'm afraid to move. And by moving I mean, I don't want to do anything. Most days, I want to just sit in my room and hide instead of accomplishing anything or even interacting with anyone. I find myself stuck in my head considering questions like "Why am I here? How have I survived living this long when there are people that have done so much good in their lives and the lives of others yet, they've died before their prime? Am I on the right path? Am I using my life to the fullest? Should I change my ways?"

But instead of changing my ways, I'm gripped in panic and fear. I feel stuck because I'm afraid that the choices that I'm making or that the choices that I will make are wrong. I'm even questioning my choice in major. What if I'm not cut out for Psychology? What if I'm not cut out for anything other then grunt work? I'm questioning friendships and relationships.

I tried to talk to my therapist about it but I'm not sure how to bring it up. Part of me wanted to talk to him about it but I just played it off that I was just bummed about the money issue and the lost of the car. I'm going to make another appointment and give it a try again. I hoping that this time around that I can talk to him about it and get some answers. He probably won't have any answers for me but I got to try.

I'm not a harrass to myself but I do worry about my own sanity because I'm losing alot of sleep to this. I find myself waking up in cold sweats. Having shitty dreams about the accident and even having panic attacks on the road even when I'm not driving.


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[public entry #337]

Jan 9, 2013 - 01:12 AM
haven't had a cigarette since the 26th
Its been almost 2 Weeks and while I know I dont smoke that much...I would be lying if I didnt say that ive been having cravings for a cig the last couple of days.. The same goes for a beer.

Its been like 10 days since my last drink an once again, I was never a heavy drinker, I hate the idea that I'm suppose to have it anymore..

I was always a 3-4 cigs a week smoker and a 1-3 beers a week drinking but knowing that I'm ”not suppose” drink anymore bothers me. It makes me want it even more yet I know it's silly for me to get this way. It doesn't help that I've been dealing with the stress of the car crash, getting rid of the car, car shopping, having problems with my Gf, and im been having major headaches lately (I went to get a CT scan yesterday, I findout the results tomorrow).

I know its all minor stuff but im just really bummed about the car plus being carless has made me stir crazy. I no longer have the freedom to come and go as I please. I guess I took it for granted when I had it.

Also the fact that I gotta drop 2-4k on a car, money I had originally saved to put on a downpayment for a house. I think that's what bums me the most. I was so proud of my achievement and now its got to put it on hold.


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[public entry #336]

Dec 28, 2012 - 03:58 PM
Photos from the accident








Say what you will but everyone (including the firemen and the cops) says that I shouldn't have walked away from this accident with almost no injuries..


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[public entry #335]

Dec 27, 2012 - 06:00 PM
This is gonna sound crazy but..
This accident has me thinking alot. I've been thinking about past accidents or close fatal moments in my life.

I've had a few close experiences growing up, more then I would honestly like to think about but each time, I've walked away from minor scratches and bruises.

Almost snapped my neck as a baby and I just had a scar.
Almost had my head crushed as a baby.
Ive been hit by a few cars (my fault for not looking or my brakes went out on my bike)
I've been in a few car crashes
Fallen off the back of a speeding vehicle onto gravel (my fault for being retarded)

and now I made my car barrel roll...

yet.. I'm alive and nothing majorly wrong with me. I'm not saying that I'm invincible but someone or something is watching over me.

Its gonna sound silly but I've got a baby sister that died as a baby and I've always felt like she's been watching over me. Keeping me safe or at least doing her best to make sure that I stay alive.

If it is you, THank you.


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[public entry #334]

Dec 26, 2012 - 08:55 AM
My car is totaled..
It hydroplaned and flipped 3 times...

Seatbelts fucking save lives..


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[public entry #333]

Dec 25, 2012 - 07:25 AM
Happy Holidays everyone
I hope everyone had a good holiday and everyone enjoy spending time with people they love and care about.


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[public entry #332]

Dec 22, 2012 - 07:12 AM
What's with me and negative women...
So I've been having issues with Hayley. She keeps being so negative and I thought I could be hard on myself and negative but she's beating me right now. She says it's just the season but I'm bringing my mood down especially when I try to cheer her up and she just rejects all my ideas. It frustrates me and I've already voiced my thoughts on this.

Okay so a few years back she got arrested and was charged with a felony. Our friend Josh, left some adderall in her car and she got pulled over. So they charged her with possession of a prescription med without a prescription or something like that. She was let go and just had to do community service since it was 1 pill that they found but it's still on her record.

Well, 3 years later she hates her job and want to look for something different but everytime I bring up the idea of her looking for a job, she just brings up the felony. I get it, it's hard to get a job with that on her record but when I tell her, "have you looked into maybe getting it off your record?", her response is "No but I know that it's gonna cost alot of money that I don't have..."

She hasn't researched it. Not even the steps needed in order to solve this issue. She just defeats herself before she has a chance to fight. I"ve already bought this up but she gets all pissy about it when I bring it up.

I don't know I"m just getting frustrated because I came into this relationship thinking that I met someone that actually her shit down but she refuses to help herself. She's stated that she needs someone to hold her hand.

I don't want to babysit women anymore. I'm tired of that shit.

In other news, there's a new supervisor position open at work and I applied for it. It benefits me because the position is the graveyard supervisor position and since I already work grave, I know no one else will want it. I get a $1.30 increase in pay and I would keep the same schedule (basically, I come in at 8 instead of 630pm, it would be 8-430.)

The other supervisors were really surprised that I actually stepped up to take the spot. I still have to go through the interview process but I already know that I got the spot since I'm the only one applying for it. Feels like an empty victory but it's still a victory so i'll take it.

Also with coming in at a later time, it gives me something that I haven't had a long time and that's a social life. Most of the time, my friends are getting out of work at 530pm which is when I'm usually starting to get ready for work but with the later time, it gives me a chance to reconnect with them.

I'm just worried about school. With my work schedule being the way it is, I still need to find time to sleep and study so most likely that social time will end up going to sleeping anyways. Oh well, it was a nice thought while it lasted.


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[public entry #331]

Dec 18, 2012 - 12:30 AM
Watching Savage Dragon...
For some odd reason I have urge to watch some old cartoons. It's soo cheesy but it's good.


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