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Misogynyst Gynecologist's Journal

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"Remember that you must behave in life as at a dinner party. Is anything brought around to you? Put out your hand and take your share with moderation. Does it pass by you? Don't stop it. Is it not yet come? Don't stretch your desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. Do this with regard to children, to a wife, to public posts, to riches, and you will eventually be a worthy partner of the feasts of the gods. And if you don't even take the things which are set before you, but are able even to reject them, then you will not only be a partner at the feasts of the gods, but also of their empire." - The Enchiridion, Epictetus

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Aug 29, 2017 - 03:24 PM
NSFW: Self-Loathing And Retching At The Pink Door Of Death
I had to put my kitty Greta to sleep on Friday, around 5:30.

I will not lie to you: I may never forgive myself for this. Yes, there was nothing to be done - it was cancer in her liver and the aggressiveness of the chemo needed may have killed her too - and yes, “it was time”. But I cannot seem to forgive myself for letting her pass, and letting the doctor put her to sleep.

I read somewhere that animals think but only in very simple, very immediate ways. “I’m hungry”, “this is good”, “that is prey” and such. But this person (who worked with animals) said that they could also discern some subtleties when it came to things like being sick - like how they would hide if they don’t feel well, how their mood changes, how their habits change.

But what broke me was that when they’re at the vet, they instinctively know “they will help me”. She was always unusually good at the vet, never ran, never hissed or made a fit.

When I’d gotten there, Greta’s blood sugar was dipping and she was on a seizure watch - so when we saw her for the last time, she was still on a IV line to a glucose machine. She hissed and panicked when brought in to see us. She didn’t recognize us until I started talking to her, and she snapped out of her daze like someone flicking a light switch. She meowed questioningly, as if to say “when’d you get here?”

She relaxed a little, still confused. We wrapped her up in a blanket so she couldn’t run and rip the IVs out, but she calmed. We all told her we loved her and we were sorry, but I kept my voice as light and happy as I could. I wish I’d gotten to pet her more but something incommunicable gave me pause. I don’t know if it was sadness or guilt or pain or understanding or empathy or some amalgam but it is a regret I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

“They will help me”.

A couple minutes later, she was panicking as she was given the sedative. She meowed loudly, knowing something was wrong.

“They will help me”.

She went peacefully, hearing me tell her she was a pretty girl, and I loved her and how she was my favorite. The second vial went in just as slowly and that was it. We held her as she passed. It was more gentle than I ever expected but seeing her as a limp… thing is so much worse than anything can prepare you for. I’ve seen the Dead and grown largely immune, even familiar to it in my life… but this was a thing I cannot even detail. I wanted to die I was so angry, I wanted to die violently as if it would appease that anger - but all I could do was cry. And retch.

She was like a child’s toy, then without shape or meaning unless we moved her to pet her or say goodbye.

Her eyes never closed, her pupils just went huge.

I cannot get this image out of my head and its haunting me. I go home and shake like its deep winter weather. I stare at the wall and hold myself. I am barely eating one meal a day, and not eating well at all at that. Eating makes me sick and being hungry makes me sicker. The one “good” thing is I haven’t been drinking in excess since this happened… but it looms over me. That same insane level of alcoholism I had after a woman left me in 2009 sounds like the perfect solution but it was a habit that nearly killed me.

“They will help me”.

And to be honest, were there any guarantee of it, I would happily end it all to be with her. Like: if there was some assured way of knowing there was something beyond living, and she was there, I would do it. But there can’t be, so I won’t - and thats even worse. Because without that guarantee, I know I will never see her again, ever. She has gone into an ether beyond which there is not darkness nor cold nor anything, not even silence.

And she went there hearing me tell her I loved her.

While thinking “They will help me”.

I’ve always had deep issues with self-loathing. And not in the usual teenage angst type or the shit they make Hollywood movies about, the shit you can define or recover from or even live with. Its an ingrained part of me to such an extent, I know I had it as a small child but couldn’t verbalize it until my 20s.

And this makes it so much worse. So, so much worse. She depended on me to help her and I couldn’t. No one could - and yet, the guilt is still there. The guilt that she had to die, ever, is some how unacceptable to some lizard part or child part of my brain. The level of unacceptable is fucking indescribable; I want to run head-first into a wall to knock myself out, just to turn off my brain. (I won’t, but the instinct is there.)

I’d lost family and friends before. I buried an ex last October. But this is many, many multitudes worse. And my self-awareness is whats making it worse. The same dumb-thought-machine that made Greta think “They will help me” is making me think “No one can help.”

I miss her so much I am making myself sick with over-thinking.

And all I can overthink about is her wide, dark eyes as she lay there limp, wrapped up in a towel, never to be warm again and that we would help her up to the very end.

And what I wrote here is an abject failure, because what I feel is so much more than this.


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[public entry #912]

Jan 24, 2017 - 04:14 PM
LIFE UPDATE FROM THE FUTURE YEAR 2017
IT IS THE YEAR 2017

IT IS THE FUTURE

Not really. But if anything, the last six months have proven that time travel is impossible, or someone would've came by and stopped all the crazy awful Brexit and political/social stuff going on. Real talk that for a minute: we're living in the era right before Revenge Of The Sith started in Star Wars (and if you read my Facebook feed) the shit going on if you look closely is crazier than my lunch of Flaming Hot Cheetos (which are absolutely disgusting to look at, eat and digest).

Life lately has been pretty interesting on a personal level. I am working things out with a woman from my past: this is tricky as we're jump-starting something that ended a long time ago aaaaaaand she now lives up near Boston. Driving up there is a bit of a hassle? For some reason, the drive back is a lot better (probably because its during the day, I'm not in a rush to beat traffic and I have developed a strange adoration for rest stops for their crappy food and high-end people watching). As much as I love to see her and how things are going, the trip there and back feels like its eating into my "decompression time" (no, not the Final Fantasy 8 ending, fuck that shit). I've noticed as I've gotten older and been so far out of the relationship loop, I need my weekends more than ever? I'm an introvert and my job requires me to be a people person, so come Saturday I'm nesting in blankets and drinking coffee and hiding.

UNRELATED CAPS LOCK SENTENCE.

Other things that are good is still being friendly with some of y'all on Facebook and the rest of you are a bunch of WANKERS </EwanMcGreggor> and the fact that life finally seems to have some forward motion (if lacking in direction). I've also been reconnecting with some friends and we're gonna try to do some PBM RPG in the coming months (god help me, I see way too much late nights typing).

Also Abby running friday night livestreams and talking on discord is hilarious and the one thing that keeps me sane after my job.

Uuuuuuh, what else is cool? I wish I could say I've been gaming more but the fact is I've only been playing Battlefront with Daravon and restarting a Telltale Walking Dead / Mass Effect / Alien Isolation run. I bought all those SNES games and I've barely touched them. Like: I have to beat Shadowrun and Secret Of Mana and that shit is just sitting there like a redheaded stepchild. I gotta re-prioritize my life.

AND BOOKS. Jesus I bought books like mad last year and they're all sitting there collecting dust. Everything from American Civil War to Star Trek to... basically a ton of topics. I honestly think I've developed a case of ADD because of the amount of media I take in (I have a hard time even watching TV without looking at my phone these days).

I'm now friends with Juliet Landau and Ally Sheedy on Twitter? I have no idea how or why they found me but Ally is the nicest.

And I guess thats it.

HOW U, GFF?


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[public entry #910]

May 26, 2016 - 01:50 PM
Battlefront
Daravon and I have been dicking around on Star Wars Battlefront (PS4) if anyone wants to team up for laughs.
Case in point



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[public entry #909]

Mar 4, 2016 - 01:46 PM
The Lesson Of Forgiveness
YouTube Video



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[public entry #908]

Nov 2, 2015 - 01:03 PM
$40 Later...


All this and the Final Fantasy X soundtrack


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[public entry #907]

Oct 20, 2015 - 09:42 AM
SNES Suggestions GO
Going back and picking up games I either

a.) always wanted as a teenager and never got
b.) had as a teenager and they were lost / stolen / borrowed and unreturned

and while some people might say to just buy them on the Wii for $10, I really like holding the damn carts. Theres something to be said about the tactile experience of *having* soemthing.

That said, I've got most of the ones I set out to look for but want suggestions in case I'm missing something. Heres what I have so far...

Actraiser
Chrono Trigger (thanks dagget!)
Contra 3: The Alien Wars
Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past
Secret Of Evermore
Secret Of Mana
Starfox
Super Mario Kart
Super Mario World
Super Star Wars
Super Empire Strikes Back
Weaponlord

Games that I know I need and just haven't gotten around to them yet:

Final Fantasy 2 & 3 (IV & VI) - I have the PSX discs so I'm in no huge rush. I'm also flirting with the idea of getting FFVI complete which may cost me some money.
Super Return Of The Jedi (the only one of the series I've beaten)
Super Metroid
Illusion Of Gaia (I have the cart but its completely NG)

So what else should I look out for?


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[public entry #906]

Sep 2, 2015 - 09:25 AM
Styling So Hard, I Don't Need A Tux
Spoiler:


Despite some work-related stress and moving to Jersey (the state where it smells weird no matter where you live!), life has been pretty choice. I'm in the best shape of my life since my days of doing ten miles daily in high school (though I'm not anywhere near THAT level of fit right now), and I'm eating better and, generally, shit is easier because I'm starting to sift out the stuff I do and don't want.

Picked up MGSV for the PS4 and pre-ordered Star Wars Battlefront (I'm a little wary at that second choice; if they mess this up, I'll be livid).

Hows everyone else here?


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[public entry #905]

Jun 22, 2015 - 03:21 PM
We Interrupt Your Meet Photos For A Gaming Annoucement
http://www.gamestop.com/collection/retro-classics

This has been rumored for a while now and I don't have much faith in it but I did drop $30 to see what I get. If its loose discs in bad shape, I'll just throw a fit and send them back - but if they're complete (and slim chance of that!), it'll be a nice little windfall. (Star Ocean 2 for $20 and Spider-Man for $10, for the record.)

And fuck you to the guy who got onto the listing 5 minutes before me and sniped all those copies of Tactics Ogre. You stink.


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[public entry #904]

May 28, 2015 - 11:46 AM
Recent Finds: Friendship & Thrifting
I haven't been feeling modern video games for a while. Alien Isolation and Mass Effect nonwithstanding, by and large too much of it is the same old shit. FPS is now purely a Call Of Duty clone - the *entire* genre. So I've been hanging out with some people at my local Retro Gaming store. Most of them are amazingly cool people and I've since gone on several adventures with one of them. How she tolerates me for so long is not known by any medical science.

Our trip up to Massachusetts two weeks ago yielded some nice finds. Nothing spectacular, but still stuff I've wanted for a while. (I have the FF set already, but this is the black spine one, which came with an extra music disc).

Spoiler:


My friend also hooked me up with two games I'd wanted for a while. The battery needs to be replaced on one and the other needs a cleaning (it blackscreens on my SNES) but for $30, why the heck not?

Spoiler:


And all this thrifting and networking had me hitting up all the pawn shops and Goodwills in my area. Most of the time the have either nothing or really overpriced last-gen stuff like Wii Fits for $20 or Xbox 360 Football games for $30. I happened into a Goodwill about 40 minutes from me and I found these buried behind some cassette tapes on the bottom shelf for $6 a pop. Needless to say, I nearly ran out of there, forgetting to pay.

Spoiler:


I tried to flip the Ninja Gaiden at a Retro games trade event - surprisingly, a couple people were interested in it but it seems the third game is the one everyone wants? - but nothing I had got sold. Most people were more into selling, fewer buyers this time. Almost got a Contra 3 for my Majora's Mask CE but the guy needed an N64 expansion pack - and I left my extra one at home. :\

And then in walks in this guy with a Rubbermaid bucket of VGM!

For $20 I bought five discs off of him: some FF arranged albums I wanted and the Xenogears 2 soundtrack that came with the strategy guide way back when. But this... this was the real victory. For $5.

Spoiler:


I had this in high school and a kid from my art class walked off with it. Its practically brand new aside from one slight crack on the cover. I couldn't be happier.

Oh yeah, and this happened a few months ago: my brief night of being on the front page of Reddit.

Spoiler:


Hows everyone here doing?


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[public entry #903]


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