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Usually I would go into a drunken stupor to deal with failure (well at least I think it's called dealing, some people would call it alcoholism) but I know that would solve nothing and I also have bacon. Literally, I was so depressed that I made almost a whole pack of bacon and ate it all to myself. I have no regrets because it was yummy.
I'm gonna sound like a fatkid so forgive me. I took my final today and honestly I feel like I didn't do well.
I got all the math stuff down but what always makes me blank out during the test is when he has those situational word problems. Not even one of those where I have to figure out the equation. It's more of "here is the issue.. explain to me why this wouldn't work out and suggest what this person can do in the future to fix his study"
The math parts are just alot of plug and play. I have no issue with that since I already know the equations, it's the explanation that always confuses me because if it was my way, I would explain it in 1 sentence. Short and simple but he was a detailed explanation of why. I looked around to some of the people seating next to me (i wasn't cheating because I couldnt read it because I'm honestly kinda blind) but I was seeing people write what looked like a paragraph for each of the questions.
The only hope that I have right now is that my papers that I turned in, will at least even out my score and get my a C. I know that I can bullshit and bullshit well when it comes to papers. I loved writing them to be honest. The discussion section was always my favorite because alot of it was "state what are some of the variable in your study" which translates to me "Dismantle the fuck out of the study and point out what others might use to discredit your study".
Literally wrote 6 pages worth of material for the section when it only called for 4. Of course, I cut out some of the fat from the paper because I know some professor look down for fattening the paper. It makes the paper look unprofessional according to some professors.
Sigh. I hope I pass because if I don't... there goes my university acceptance.
"Everyone thinks...
No one says it...
because they're pregnant."
I'm probably going to offend someone here so yeah. Sorry?
(start rant)
But seriously, I think that some people just seem to have the whole idea of having a kid go to their heads. I've got 3 friends that are having or just had kids. None of them have a proper education (1 of them doesn't even have a GED). None of them have a job. Shit, 2 of them don't even have a stable relationship to beginning with yet when you tell them that maybe they should consider adoption, they snap.
I'm sorry but how the fuck do you plan on paying for the kid? How do you plan on raising the kid? What kind of example are you setting for the kid by making them into a welfare baby?
I have a job that pays pretty well (even my career counselor told me that I'm making more then some people with BA's- which wasn't a very encouraging to hear but that's a story for a different time) but i don't want a kid until I'm making well enough to support a kid. I want to be sure that when my kid grows up (well if I ever have one) that he/she will be proud of their father and will want to do great things.
I know that I don't get along with my dad but I'm proud of the hardwork he does and has done for all these years. I'm proud that he started a low level airplane electrician and now he's the lead mechanic at the LAX hub for Air France. People look up to him because he's that good at his job. I want that from my kid. I want to have earned his/her respect and love.
but these girls, I feel that in 15 years, their kids are going to be preggo themselves or getting some girl pregnant. It's a vicious cycle of ignorance. Birth Control is FREE99 at Plan ParentHood! I don't get what is so hard to go down there and be like "oh, I need free birth control. Gee thanks yall" and then go fuck whoever they want. i don't care if they get an STD, I care that kids are raising kids. And I'm not just talking about my friends, I'm talking about alot of people.
I get it. Some kids had a really shitty childhood, so they think "I'm going to have a baby and raise it better then I was raised." I only say that because I've heard this statement before and it made me want to facepalm before and still makes me facepalm.
Sorry for the spelling errors. I'm posting this from my phone and I'm ending my rant here.
I'm soo happy! That's one less thing to worry about.. now I just gotta make sure that I pass my classes and I'm fucking set! I really can't wait for the semester to be over.
I'm just hoping that i get financial aid for the semester and i'm going to be even happier. 10k a semester isn't the most expensive school but it isn't going to be cheap on my pockets either..
My dad says that he'll help me but I want to do it on my own. Maybe it's pride.. maybe It's pent up anger against him for all these years.
yet, I listen to this song and it makes me want to make amends for all the things that have made me angry..
I'm honestly bothered by the idea of stores being opened on Turkey day for Black Friday sales. Its ridiculous to think that peopke are willing to skip out on Thanksgivings day/night dinner with friends and family in order to ”snag deals”. If its even crazier to think that companies are that soul-less to not consider that employees want to spent time with loved ones. Instead people like my girlfriend have to be at a store from 7pm until 3am dealing with crazed customers.
I worked the trenches for 6 years and I have seen stupid shit like old ladies getting into fight over the ”last sales” item and ive heard tales of people being stabbed or beaten up at black Friday sales. When I was working st Circuit City, we even had to have a couple cops dedicated to watching our store and the Best Buy across the street because the previous year there was reports of people being robbed at gun point for their stuff.
What the hell is wrong witn people? Im not a huge fan of my family but I love spending Thanksgivings and Christmas with them. I understand that it's nice to give someone a gift but when did the holidays become a race to see who can spend the most money?
Sadly I'm going to be working for both holidays but I also work at the airport, a place that never.
I don't know. I'll end my rant here because updating from my phone is annoying. Sorry for the typos.
I cried my little heart out during my therapist session. It felt great. He recommended me to a shrink to see if I can be put on meds.
I hated the idea of meds but I hate the idea of driving myself crazy with my circular bullshit logic.
I really hope everything is going to be okay from here on.
In other good news. I just foundout my best friend is coming back to California in December. I'm honestly super excited for this. I owe my life to this guy. Everytime that I was in my darkest place, he was always the person that cheer me up and remind me that shit wasn't that bad.
I don't know if he's coming to visit or for good but I'm going to make the most of it while I can.
It makes me sad though... he's going to die. He contracted AIDS a couple years ago and I know that there has been advances in the medical field but the vaccine isn't even going to be market ready for another 5 years, so I can only imagine that the cure would still be another 5+ years away.
*sigh* I wish i could return the favor and save his life the same way that he has done for me. I know that the best that I can do is always be there for him and I plan on doing that but I would risk my LIFE if it meant keeping him alive.
He's always been there for me. He's one of the few people that I really think would put their lives at risk just to make sure that I'm safe. Him and Eric are the Hetro-Life-Partners lolol (well, even though Brain is gay lol)
In a world that has as many shady people as we do, its nice to know that there is still honest to goodness GOOD people. People that do nice things because they care and not because they have some other motive.
lol, sorry. I'm a little paranoid after being backstabbed a few times.
Was the anniversary of another friend that killed herself. Its hard to believe that its been a year. I know that I hadnt really hungout with her in the last year of her being alive but I've been in a shitty mood since the 11th.
Im not going to kill myself because I understand the pain to the people left behind and im too much of a pussy to do it. So dont worry. I'm going to keep up the good fight.
Its just with zeph`s death (even though I didnt know him too well, the time I met him left a lasting impression that he was a nice and awesome guy). The anniversary of Suzanna`s death... Endless Sorrow`s death anniversary coming up in a couple months. Nancy`s murder anniversary just passing in September...(there's more but I'll stop here)
I think I've made my point....
With all this, it makes me wonder about the point of living. It makes me worry as well. Idk, im definitely going to talk to my consoler about it tomorrow. I just want answers. I feel like screaming to the heavens but I know that I'll just get no reply. Just silence.
Or I'll seem like a crazed person to anyone watching. What is the point of living? Some people would say to ”pass on our genes” but I don't want kids. I have trouble managing myself, I can't imagine the harm I can cause on a kid.
Some say that to find peace and enjoy eternal life in Heaven but im not religious.
I guess i'm suppose to make the best of it and grow old but I always figure that I would outlive my friends. Ive already lost more than a couple handfuls and I know that there are people that have lost more but it still sucks.
Im sorry for ranting but I just don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about it. Everyone around me freaks out about it and interrupts before I can get my whole thought out.
I'm trying really hard to refrain from posting a journal everyday but most of my journals are just me ranting and raving about random shit.
The semester is pushing through. I'm trying to get that extra credit in order to keep myself afloat and I've been having my gf riding my back about making time to study. I even bought Halo 4 and I'm letting my gf keep it so then I don't get sidetracked by my crackaddiction.
Went to a get together this week for the H4 release
That was during the downtime. A couple of them were playing League and eating.
It was 18 of us all together. Duanester was suppose to come along too but he had a family emergency so it's understandable.
We got there around 730 and stay until about 2ish. I really like everyone in this group. They're all really nice and funny but they all live so far away. As it was, I had to trouble an hour in order to get to the person's house in lake Elsinore. The rest of the guys come from Corona, Chino Hills, Alhambra, K-Town, etc etc.
I think that seems to be the issue with me. Either the people that I like hanging out are far away or my work schedule is the opposite of what they work so whenever they're getting off work, I'm going into work. I guess having a social life takes a backseat to working and school. Like it should but I feel like the lameduck of the group because I hear about them doing these get togethers and other stuff but I'm always working on those days.
I know that when I get my Masters and I'm calling the shots. I'll have time. Small sacrifices for a better tomorrow.
I'm taking part in a MTG tournament in a couple weeks. I'm excited about it because I know that I can win. I don't think I can win, because I know I can. I'm going to use my Savra deck and stomp face. Sorry. I geek out too much. I've always wanted to be a tournament player but I never had the money to drop $300+ on each deck.
So I went out for Coffee and food with my dad and my brother when my dad dropped the hugest bomb ever.
"I think Weed should be legalize"
I've always thought of my dad as a "super conservative" person but I never thought he would say that he approves of that. Sadly, I don't smoke weed anymore but I thought it was just shocking to hear him say that.
Also makes me wonder if he had ever done it when he was younger in Panama.
Actually, I'm happy that I don't smoke weed anymore because I feel more motivated as a person but I gotta admit that ever since I quit (over a 1.5 years now.. give or take), I've notice that I've gained weight and that my eating/sleeping habits have gone to shit. I barely eat more then once a day (maybe twice on a good day) and I sleep like 4-6 hours because I feel restless at night.
I guess it's a mixed blessing. It also helps that I can't smoke because of my job. Random drug tests are the main reason for it but I like having Insurance and I do like having a $15+ hr job. So I know it's the grown up thing to do.
Who knew.. Furby finally grow up a bit.
I'm excited for this weekend. It's another Psytribe party. Nothing but lush forest, hard trance and camping for 3 days. ^_^ I've grown to enjoy these forest/desert events alot more in the last few years. I remember last spring I ran into 2 guys from Israel and a whole from Russia that just came out for the Psytribe party. That's crazy! They were all soo nice and so interesting. I know I'm a foreigner myself but it's nice to have long discussions with people from other cultures. They mentioned that they were going to go to this event so I'm hoping to run into them again!
So I ran into Liz last weekend at the Burning man event. (liz is my recent ex). It was awkward because as I was running through the front gates to get to the bathroom, a friend grabbed me and carried me towards a group of people... one of those people was Liz. It was super awkward just saying hi and trying to still be social to everyone in the group.
The awkwardness only lasted a couple mins but later that night she "drunk facebook messaged me". She wants to talk and she wants to talk in person. I honestly don't think that's a good idea. I was going to ignore it thinking that it was just a "drunk" move but she hit me up on Tuesday saying "Yeah, whenever you're free. Let's talk"
I went to the local Burningman Gathering, Decompression. It was amazing. I've never been out to the Playa but this is my 3rd year going to Decompression and it's always amazing.
Basically what Decompression is, it's an event where the people that went out to "Burningman" bring their "installations" (or the stuff that they made in order to display at the actual Burn) back to their home town area to display it to others. (or at least that's my understanding).
There are music, art, dancing, fire dancing, invention, etc. I can't even begin to describe it so I'll just post some pictures.
Spoiler:
The monkey actually clapped lol
This was actually a 3 person bike. This also spun.
Right in the middle of Chinatown in Downtown La at the La Historic Park
Someone started painting this around 4pm and by the time we were leaving at 11pm, they were just finishing.
Everyone was posting message of love and remembrance on one of the installations.
My own tribute.
The event went on from 1pm-7am in the morning right by downtown LA. The best part of it was that most of the crowd there were people around my age and up. People that aren't there for "Drugs" (of course there are still some people that can't seem to grow up) but people that are there just to share in a unique experience. People that appreciate the music, the experience, the art, etc.
Every year it makes me want to go out to the actual Burn but I don't know if I could last a week long celebration. Not only that but I don't know if I can afford it. Taking a week off from work, the money for the ticket, the gear I'll need in order to survive out there, etc etc.
Maybe it's something that I'll do when I've got a career and I'm stable.
