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Dec 17, 2006 - 01:16 PM |
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Who am i? what do I want? what do I do? where do I start? |
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I keep my head held high a get over alot of stuff cause I always remind myself that what i go through is nothing compared to what others could be going through and what many went through before me. I do still feel pain, i do still get heart broken which sounds stupid cause i never had anybody break it cause i never had that chance...or i never took the chance. I hate sounding whiny...I really really do but sometimes people talk about their hard times it kinda makes them feel better to get it all off of their chest...kinda...maybe. Right now i feel lower about myself then i have ever felt. Im completely digusted with myself...I think i have hit rock bottum. I saw a couple kissing on the bus today and the thought of jumping out the window of a moving bus actualy crossed my mind...thats not me! im not a suicide I completely against it. I no nomatter what is going on i would indure the pain because I am christian and to me knowing that heavon awaits is worth enduring the pain. Be cause jesus himself went through 100xthe pain im going threw but it still hurts. How do I fix this...How do I change a lifestyle i excepted. What do I do? Where do I start? Im so used to being where I am that i no nothing past it. I surrounded myself in a reality bubble for so long Im lost and know no way out. Where do I start? What do I do? Where do I go? Im so embarrassed to just walk up to someone and tell them the truth so I can ask them for help. Is it pride? of what? I dont have much to be proud of. Is it fear? of what? what will I lose? instead i hide that part of me and let the pain sit their eating away at me holding my head high knowing...believing that things will be better for me if i just endure the pain...so it piles up...contnuously.What do I do? where do I start? All my life i just let things happen I know i will grow through life as a door mat with people using me and running over me. I would like to change...take charge...what do I do? where do I start? and me...my wait it is a problem over wait always is. most of us make jokes of our selfs to hide the fact that it's a hard life to life. but to simply lose it all, will that truly make me happyer. I know there is no such thing as being happy forever untill we make it to heaven, but will the loss of wait really make evrything better? will it make my problems go away? Will it really change who i am? I keep telling myself to finish my education and oneday I can accomplish my dream of being a movie director...even if i were to muraculously live that dream...I dont know...what do I do? where do I start?...WHo am I? what do I really want?
My grandfathers dieng the man has ben strong since i was born even the summer before he got ill he was out working his ass off. Now he is so week it's hard for us to even look at him. MY mom is sick friggin she has been strong every since i was born fightin for a better life for us. now after being sent to afghanastan she comes back sick. she has ben so for almost 3 years now. Her days are numbered too and it scares me. My step father...the man i want to hate but know he was always there for me when I really needed him to. He is now in Iraq lord knows whats going to happen to him and it scares me. My brother alex ran away from us, from his family. Back when we were with our father going through is monsterous period, it was me and my brother alex. We were the closest thing to twins with out being twins. Now he ran from us...he came back and things are back to normal but i still fear he is confused...How do I forgive that thats family heartbreak deeper then some girl breaking a heart. Im worrying to much I know and just whining about random stuff I know but I just had to do it and get it out of the way.What do I do? where do I start? who am I? WHAT DO I WANT?
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maybe not but one can dream. My ultimate dream is to become a movie director but I am not really into the schooling related and required for it so I will stick to what I know and love. Computer graphics.
but I know that everything that has been going on is going on for a good reasn. I can see it all unfolding and it motivates me to work my but off for it. I have huge dreams and ideas that I know will come to life with enough work. One day I will make some huge movies so watch out all you guys who new me remember my name^_^. I will put classic blue up there for all my net buddies.
