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Jan 24, 2007 - 10:51 AM |
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Sorrow in the first month of 2007. |
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I don't really know where to turn to already. So here I am, GFF. A place nobody in my life knows I visit.
A part of me was deeply ripped to shreds yesterday, and today, it was no different from pouring salt on a bleeding wound. I felt all the strength drained from me when I saw her walk up his car yesterday. Today, I felt all the energy to smile went away when I saw her lean close and whisper so sweetly.
I wonder anyone there knows how I'm feeling right now. Maybe there is.
Maybe it's because I never tell anyone. I don't dare to. I fear what happens when they know how I feel. Sometimes I wonder what I fear about telling the truth.
I tell everyone I don't care, I act like I don't care, I act like they don't exist in my life, because I'm trying hard not to care, not to feel the pain. But like they say, the harder you try in this kind of stuff, the less likely it's going to work out in your favor.
I want to forget. I don't want this burden on my shoulders, I don't want this weight to linger in my heart. I don't want to feel like this, at all. There should be some medication that can let u switch off specific emotions.
I don't want to feel jealous when she's with him. I don't like that nagging feeling of envy somewhere in there. I dislike her image popping up whenever I try to sleep, I dislike having thoughts of her when I study. I don't want that. I want my own life back. Not one with her bothering me at every corner.
So far, nothing much is working. All it does is just delay the pain a while longer, make it a little less painful.
I tried drowning myself in music. Going to karaokes, playing o2jam or whatever that comes along, hanging out with some buddies OUTSIDE of college, with intent of denying any idle time to the brain to work it's miserable powers.
Still, I'm trying. Still trying to occupy all my time with some brainpower consuming activity, hopefully being so tired that it just switches off.
I'm a sad creature, really. Actually, to a certain measure, I'm rather disgusted at my own self-pitying habits. However, like they say, old habits die hard. I really hope I'd stumble over a finding that will make me feel, 'Actually it ain't so complicated after all.' Then maybe I'd be free of all this.
Oh, I really do hope that is possible, but then again, I doubt it's going to happen.
Damn, I'm pessimistic, ain't I? And again, fuck, how many times do I have to contradict myself, and point out my own flaws. Ergh.
I sincerely hope time will cure all pains. I hope somehow it'll all go away.
| Currently Playing: John Legend - I Can Change |
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