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Infernal Monkey's Journal

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May 11, 2007 - 01:19 AM
Big Ben is big
I got up this morning, out of bed. Because I usually sleep in a bed, which requires getting out of in the up kinda way. You can just roll out, but you fall on the floor. I felt like breakfast. None of this pansy milk and 12 types of processed weat though. I felt like a PIE. But you can't have pies for breakfast it's against the law, so I went and had a cold shower. Sadly my pie lust did not get washed away! Too lazy to go down the road and get a freshly killed and roasted pie, I had to settle for the frozen kind.


BIG BEN'S EXTRA TASTY PIES. But hang on, wait a second Big Ben.


Because there's also your traditional pies! I cooked one of your traditional pies, Big Ben.


It was pretty happenin' yo. "GIVE ME THE PIE"


How can they possibly improve upon the traditional pie? How is it EXTRA TASTY? I think we'll need to put this claim to the test.


Well it's still a square shaped pie. That's not an improvement at all, Big Ben! Your traditional pie was square and that was retarded! Pies are ROUND. A square pie looks about as terrible as


Marge Simpson. But still, it only claims it TASTES better so hey.


PUT THE OVEN ON FULL BORE COME AWWWWN. Gotta play the waiting game now. If only I had discovered the pack of extra tasty pies earlier I could have done both at the same time via magic.


I'll pass the time by playing my THRILLER GAME.


Yes, good, good. Nintendo better watch the fuck out, Yogarilla's in town.


HEEEEEY GUUUUUYS. WOW virtual reality is here!


HEEEEEY DOOOOOOG.


NO STOP WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO!


And off he goes. Where are you headed Yogarilla Kong?


Oh no, no! Not Marge Simpson! Not her hat!


YOUR HAT IS NEXT.


Oh good my pie is done. You've always gotten open 'em up just a bit to see if it's hot inside, because pies can trick you sometimes.


"HAR HAR HAR"
Yeah it's done.


Hmmmmm. NO. It's not extra tasty at all! It's just a normal bloody pie. What's going on Big Ben?


THUMBS DOWN. So I guess it's up to me to improve upon the pie now. We'll start with some tomato sauce.


CRIKEY BLIMEY STRUTH CHUZWUZZA AND SO FORTH. I actually have no tomato sauce. This is awful! I'll be sent to New Zealand for this crime.


But I have some smokey BBQ. It's a big value pack, too. Of.. smokey BBQ.


Aw hell, now it looks like something I'd blast out into the toilet after a dodgy kebab bought from some bloke set up next to the pub. If I've learnt anything from poofy cooking shows, it's that food simply can't be tasty unless it looks like a work of art. Also that the food has to be smaller than a thumbtack. Well, we can go for one of those!


Ah yes, this will go nicely.


BLAST 'O YELLOW. Still needs more, darling. Perhaps some green? I searched, got nothin'. There was a tiny bit of mint jelly, but not enough for a positive tasty effect.


But wait, some blue! That'll mix with the lemon butter!


Awwww yeah.


That looks fucking awesome. I should hang it in an art gallery. We'll top it off with


A biscuit. Annnd ooooh...




Yum! Now for the extra tasty trial.


Oh yeah, good texture. Feels nice. Yeah. Oh God I'm gettin' excited, there's sperm in my pants.


ARRRGLE


BARRGLE


EXTRA TASTY

Currently Playing: ¡Forward, Russia! - Nine

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Apr 23, 2007 - 09:08 AM
Haven't done one of these since Febru-fuck, drowned
The Taikai Kemono / Deep Water



Developer: Tamsoft
Publisher: 505 GameStreet
Where to buy: Davy Jones' Locker
He'll even chuck in some weeeed maaaaan... seaweed.

What the hell is this? Water, guns, blood, but not a breast in site! D3 must have been drunk to green light this game. Deep Water is very Waterworld-ish in that the world is.. mostly water. There is an introduction to this game, but rather than explaining why everything is wet, you just get a close up of your boat (at one point the camera goes through the boat like a ghost) and a screen telling you to go to the Harbour Shop. Very emotional intro, Square could learn a thing or two. So off we go, vrooooom, Harbour Shop! This is where you go to chat to people to learn the controls of the game. Except you don't actually see these people, and they CHARGE YOU MONEY for these insider secrets. You start off with no money so uuuh.. there's one exciting reason to read the instruction manual for a change.

Harbour Shop also acts as a place to buy weapons and obtain missions. First mission, go kill some sea monsters! "Why?" "BECAUSE THEY ARE MONSTERS IN THE SEA, DUH". Time to go to the little dot on the map. The areas you travel around in are as boring as a dead mule caught in a cluster of branches instead of landing in a pool full of kids below. Aside from the shop, there's maybe one or two little islands around. That's it. Very busy. WHOA THE MUSIC HAS GOTTEN DRAMATIC. It's just like Zelda. So like Zelda, when the music gets dramatic, you know you're one step closer to The Ganon™.

You can step away from the steering wheel, which is nice because it would be difficult to harpoon sea monsters from there. Walk on up to your harpoon at the front of the boat and hope like hell they decide to swim about in front of you. If not, you get out your shot gun and become John McClane. The 'sea monsters' range from sharks, to gigantic angry octopussies. Sometimes you'll be lucky and get attacked by cannons that have legs and walk on the water. Because that's what cannons do okay!

Aiming is an absolute disaster, your little dude can only turn around a tiny bit for some reason. So you're constantly running back and forth, trying to predict where they'll go next like a Space Invader. There's no lock on or anything, so we've gone back to 1996. Everyone dance. It's entertaining when say, a shark attacks. Very realistic, Tamsoft did their homework. It'll jump really high in the air and then just fall on top of the boat, and then warp somewhere else. All while the guy makes these orgasmic noises and breakdances on the spot. It's like an educational video.


"How's the water?"
"DEEP"

This is basically the whole game. You go to the Harbour Shop, get missions which all involve killing and move on to new areas which are just like the last. The world is very complex (no I didn't scan it all spaz for once, it's actually printed like that in the manual!) Well except, the missions appear whenever they feel like it. TOO BUSY, COME BACK LATER. That's fantastic, because there's so much to see and do if you aren't on a 007 mission. You can crash into a wall at full speed and get stuck! Or you could try and shoot the seagulls made of paper! It's all go go go! Stuff kinda gets more interesting in the later stages, because you get to take on pirate ships. Ah, the greatest sea monsters of them all! I enjoy defeating them with the shotgun. It must be the greatest bloody shotgun, I swear. You can be thousands of light years away from them and the shot gun will still hit. Yet the harpoon won't, tsk tsk. You're fired! Then uh, we'll pull you back in.

Some of the sea monsters will be extra gigantic-o versions, where one hit pretty much means GAMEU OVAH. You can also run out of petrol, that's kinda bad. Especially if you want to escape a gigantic-o sea monster because you're too much of a wuss to stand and slowly rotate while shotgunning up the joint. But it's worthwhile, because not only is the enemy sized blown up ten thousand percent, so is the BLOOD! You get these massive blurry walls of red all over, it's a party for sure.


That's the greatest water I've ever seen.

The game runs on the Superman 64 engine, Lex Luthor's pumped his smells all over the joint. That's not very good, Tamsoft usually make the nicer looking Simple 2000 games. I guess because this one wasn't about huge tits on underage girls they just didn't care. "WHY BOTHER GOING ON...". The music is pretty nice, especially the title screen. It gives you the impression the game will have gameplay. Also I kinda wish the Japanese name was Kimono instead of Kemono.



You guys should probably play this game it's right up there with Super Mario 64, Tetris and Pac-Man. You'll laugh, you'll cry! You'll cry some more! You'll laugh like a maniac while rocking yourself to sleep! A great fun, a great enjoy! DEEP WATER!

Final scare:
Because the PAL box is something relevant for once!
_______________________________

Fighting Angels
Yakuza Fury
Demolition Girl
Paparazzi
Pinball Fun
Zombie Zone
Space Invaders Revolution
Party Girls
Street Boyz
Deadly Strike
Rollercoaster World
Snowboard Racer 2

Oh oh, also other action packed news while I'm here

- I bought this awesome cheese the other day, oh man it's so awesome!
- I wanna do something cool for my next entry since three zero zero and all but I dunno what.
- News.. uuuumm.. oh yeah, bar course this week. Cutting it a bit close here. You know, like how to pour beer in glasses. Tricky, tricky skills.

Currently Playing: Zool - Candy Land (ROCKIN' BEATS, FULLY SICK, DRAT THERE'S A BEE!)

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[public entry #113]

Apr 20, 2007 - 05:15 AM
Collect the dolls



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Apr 15, 2007 - 08:18 AM
1997
I've always wanted to do a FFVII comic. You know how each and every one is absolutely horrible and you cringe so much half your face gets compressed into the roots of your hair? That's what I like about them! So here goes.



And with that, I've done everything possible on the internet. Bye forever!

Currently Playing: Senses Fail - Calling all cars


Response entries:
Cloud-kun! Hey! Cloud-kun! ~ by FatsDomino
They have feelings too, you know by THE POWER OF WATER

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Mar 26, 2007 - 02:05 AM
Raiders of the lost bin
Hey guys look what I found in the bin when I was looking for lunch, it is a video game system of some kind!






Sadly it does not play Road Rash for the Mega Drive. BACK TO THE BIN WITH YOU, LUNCH.


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Mar 23, 2007 - 12:04 AM
The comments for every YouTube video
Something like this.



Doesn't matter what video it is, someone will always take out their unrelated rage on it. I COULDN'T BUY A PACK OF YU-GI-OH CARDS AT THE CAKE SHOP THE BITCH SAID THEY WERE CLOSING UP FOR THE NIGHT AND THAT THEY DON'T SELL YU-GI-OH CARDS SO I SAID FUCK YOU BITCH AND THIS VIDEO IS SO SHIT. Actually this is the internet in general, but YouTube's the worst. =)

Currently Playing: YMCK - Go! YMCK, Go!

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Mar 19, 2007 - 09:51 PM
Headr GFG was babackk
























Currently Playing: The Mad Capsule Markets - Happy Ride

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Mar 12, 2007 - 06:11 AM
The name's Something. Something Something.
Spoiler:

Oh man I loved this film starring Largey McButtchin. Did you see that? Programming by the KGB, oh Domark you crack me up into thousands of pieces.


I like my games like my women. In the kitchen. On the moon. Asking me how I want my eggs. Scrambled. That's the difficulty setting we'll pick today! Afterall, James Bond is a ladies man. They ask him for fashion tips and such. The game is so awesome you can choose to have music OR sound effects. Not both at the same time, too intense, too loud, you might alert the guards. Reset High Score? What is this, Frogger? No.

Spoiler:

I had to put it in a spoiler, it's top secret you see. Not this though, you're not seein' this. TOP. SECRET. Oh wait, so were the options! Oh God, what have I done!



Strike a cool pose Bond, yeah yeah, that's good! The budget for this mission must be pretty bad to send him in that dingy. WATCH OUT A SKULL! Perhaps the key to enter castle Shadowgate is inside.


I'll just leave my dingy there, nobody will suspect a thing.


OH GOD I'M HIT, MISSION IS IN CRISIS MODE! I NEED BACKUP, SEND IN THE ARMY.


Wait a second, it was just one of those rare Jumpsthroughsolidplatforms fish! I'll take care of this with my extra long blue bullets.


200? Yes, I'm winning this real life Monopoly. Good, good. Time for a celebration dance.


Ooh yeah, come on now, chugga buuuur wuuuur mmm hmmm.


Dunno why that guy's up there, perhaps he's training for the olympics. Whenever you get near boxes in this game, they FALL DOWN. But laugh out loud box, you can't fool me. Because I'm Bond..


.. James Bon-FUCK!


Wuh oh, enemies have the secret extra long blue bullets too! Good thing he doesn't know how to move his arms up. Kinda off-screen, but there's all these tossers that poke out of port holes, they shoot MASSIVE ORANGE BLOBS from their guns. Clearly castle Shadowgate is up to bigger biggerest no good than any of us could have imagined. Maybe this ladder will take me somewhere.




Ah! Qwarky left his floating suitcases floating around again, I'd better pick them up.


OH NO THEY'RE JUST FLOATING AWAY!


Some more ladders, great, grand, a banana. I'm getting too old for this!


"Why if it isn't Bird, Larry Bird! Think you're so good wearing that tux on a ship and shootin' mad hoops! Well I'm gonna shoot YOU!"
"Yeah but you're not even holding a gun.. or a basketball"
"SHUT UP"


This is serious, I'd better tackle this with stealth. I'll use a missile on him.


"HAHA found my gun"
"MISSILE!"


I don't know what's happening here, but I think the missile saved the day. Even if it looked nothing like a missile, and it came from the same hand gun.


Eegads, a dead end! Roll the credits, movie's over. Wait wait, what's thiiiis...




Yes! The ultimate spy move, walking through walls. This is quite an advanced tuna ship. John West, the best.


Another wall hey? Nooo problem, I'll just wal-


OH WELL SHIT.


If only I wasn't dead, I'd go download some pornography on the cash register that's just sitting there out in the open.


Have to be extra careful here, can't let him see me.


"HAHA HEY SAILOR GUESS WHERE MY DICK IS HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"AUUUUUGH!!"


"I can levitate"
"I didn't see that one coming, I'm outta here!"
"Shoot him with your orange blobs, port hole man!"
"I'm on it!"
"Well I'm not, because I can levitate"
"Yes, yes, we KNOW! God.."


BIG GASP, a box!


BIGGER GASP, another box! All these supplies going to waste!


"HAHAHA I'LL RACE YA COME ON IT'LL BE AWESOME"
"No running!"


"I said no running!"
"HAHAHAHA LOOKS LIKE I WIN, GIVE ME ALL YOUR POG"








"Nah guys I'm alive, seriously, chuck me some water wings or something will ya? Come on, guys. .. Guys?"


"Aw"



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