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Mar 19, 2006 - 01:02 AM |
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Infernal Gaming Nuisance. Over the next few weeks, I'll review some hard hitting groundbreaking industry evolving bread slicing action battery powered scrubbing brush PlashRation 2 games. Because I get bored. It'll be pretty exciting, because I'm only going to do the games that really matter.
The Catfight / Fighting Angels
 
Developer: TamSoft
Publisher: D3 Publisher / 505
First you may have noticed just how mind blowing the PAL box art is. There’s just so much loving care put into it, they remind me a bit of those uh, giant things from Zelda Majora's Mask. Except fighting over some STDs while forming the clumsy outline of a love heart.
Basically, it's a fighting game (fancy that!) but with one exciting twist, some boobs! That's never been done before, right? The title screen has some cat noises, followed by rather disturbing close ups of rendered women in bikinis. They bend like SCARY GHOSTS. This was perhaps put in place to make the player go flaccid and quickly hit the start button. Then with much frantic mashing, there’s a number of things to choose from! Tournament Mode, the main part.. thingy of the game, VS (what could be more fun than going flaccid? TWO people GOING FLACCID, at the SAME TIME), Practice, View (more on this later) and some weird thing called Options that appears to let you hack into the game and change settings such as difficulty, volume and controls.
Screens scanned from the back of the box lolol. What the hell’s going on this side of town
Leap on into Tournament, there's eleven (I think, might be nine, they all seem the same, it’s slipping away from me) female fighters to choose from. One of them can be unlocked later, but she’s no better than the rest anyway. Oh also, one of them is a robot. Sadly you can only have them wear bikinis straight off, it's very crushing you know. Enter one of the arenas which happen to basically be one arena, a beach setting. Oh but don’t fret, there’s plenty of variety, such as beach setting during the day, beach setting during the afternoon and beach setting at night. The two girlies stand around, and do a little scrolling text Engrish taunt such as "I was not design for battle please easy on me for today". BEGIN.
Now you’re complex objective is to beat the crap out of rival girly. Basic attacks such as punching, backflips, some weird jump where you smash into them with your chest. There are no special Yoga-Fire-Hadoken-Sonic-Boom Street Fighter moves here, no sir. No time for that. There is however a SEXY DANCE. Press R2 and your fighter will have a bit of a fit and show off to the crowd. Sexy dance more like Rape dance. This builds up some love hearts in the corner of the screen, which will let you do something brutal like pick up your opponent and slap her a few times, or leap onto her shoulders and try and force her head into your vagina (that’s what it looks like, anyway!). One character even slaps the others arse, and it takes away some energy so that’s very good, job well done!
Sometimes you’ll get a WEAPONS ON BATTLE MATCH uh, match. No really, that’s what they call it. Some of the weapons the crowd will throw in include a spiked bat, a golf club and a MACHINE GUN. Actually, it might not be the crowd. There’s only two different people in there, a guy who does squat thrusts and a girl that pumps her fists into the air like a lunatic. They got cloned somewhere along the line. They're probably not capable of throwing, this is an eternal mystery. Perhaps it’s the announcer, who never shows up. She just yells "GO" when a weapon is hurled into place, so that it may spin around. It’s just so crazy watching the other girl being shot with a few hundred bullets, only to get back up and perform a Rape dance. Complete with some Japanese yelling. Or English-ish yelling if you're lucky! "SEXYU DYNAMITAH", "EVERYWWON LOVE ME" And that is.. virtually it. The final boss battle if you will, isn’t on a beach. Which is such a refreshing change of pace! It’s on a rooftop! The graphics are pretty alright for a game that was obviously developed overnight, everyone looks uh, smooth and shiny. The frame rate is solid, and the animation is weird. They all run like they have ants crawling under their skin and their wounds will never heal.
One thing I have to mention is the jiggle physics. It’s crucial to the future of Earth. You know, the BOOBS. THE SOME BOOBS. Only because they kinda failed so badly. It’s as if the developers went down to their local arcade and won several of those super bouncy balls in some kind of test your luck crane game, then decided to go to the grocery store only to win some jelly from their crane game (everything is available in crane game machines). After getting back to the office via a taxi won in a crane game, they boiled the crane game jug and made the crane game jelly, poured it on the crane game super bouncy balls and then set the place on fire while dancing.
Often only ONE OF THEM will be going off doing its own thing. The other will be sitting there, bored. Even the slightest movement causes them to go all over the place, sometimes never stopping. I’ve seen one hit the other, causing it to have a mental breakdown. You can have fun experimenting in View mode, which is a limited zoom in and have a bit of a perv you sad pathetic excuse for a human being thing. Too bad the music selection is SO GOOD in this mode. So good as in SO BAD. Like that milk that's not really milk, yoooou knoooow. You can’t listen to that stuff during the matches, only mish-mash of Casio keyboard combined with yelling and the crowd being so excited they’ve turned into zombies.
Did I mention you can unlock outfits? Complete with the victory message of "COSTUME GET"? I didn’t, because I’m doing that right now. Mentioning it. Not unlocking them. According to the manual each girly has eleven. School uniform, maids.. clothes.. swimsuit. Some others. It’s all very exciting.
Time to rate this, it’s important that you know just how many dancing Michael Jackson’s this game deserves. Compared to other fascinating budget games.
Final scare:
Out of five?
| Currently Playing: Placebo - Song To Say Goodbye |
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