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Mar 30, 2006 - 06:02 AM |
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Infernal Gaming Nuisance 2 |
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Do you have fury? Yakuza fury? Someone has fury. Fury for Yakuza. IS IT YOU? DO YOU HAVE FURY? FURY THAT IS DIRECTED TOWARDS YAKUZA? You will.
The Ninkyou / Yakuza Fury
 
Developer: Vingt-et-un Systems
Publisher: D3 Publisher / 505
Oh how I would like to meet the legend that puts together the PAL box art. Once again they’ve trashed the original relevant image in favour of.. I.. don’t.. know. But at least it’s not quite as mind boggling as Fighting Angels, because that was so mind boggling it inspired a famous word game. Snakes & Ladders. Is the woman trying to warn the consumer in advance? Wait, why is she even there? Perhaps offering to end the pain before it even starts? How about that plastic gun, why is it shooting coins? Will this mystery be solved in the game? No.
The game starts off well, there’s a title screen. Two angry faces. Some music. I’m very impressed. I move my excited, trembling hand so that part of it will meet with the Start button for a night out on the town. Ah, some smartly dressed guy with pointy hair is walking around, face squished into a permanent "I don’t care" look. BUT HE DOES, WATCH OUT. A girl runs past, except it’s more of a robot dancing while sliding on ice type movement, she’s being chased. COULD IT BE BY THE YAKUZA? Our generic new friends face screams "I don’t care" but his legs squeal "tee hee hee, snort weeee, snort" as he calmly kicks the goons over. "OOF" they yell, as that’s as close as you’ll get to voice acting in the game.
"Are you okay?"
"I was until I decided to try and sit like this"
And through compelling story, where the characters furiously shake their bobble heads around to give the illusion of speaking, you learn that an angry gang is after her for not paying protection money. "They wanted really obscure fancy condoms, I just couldn’t afford them!" Generic Guy does not really care, but he moves one fist around back and forth. Almost like he’s trying to give the AIR a handjob. But what, now we’re back outside. Sure glad that was sorted out.
BUT NOW RANDOM PEOPLE ON THE STREET WILL START ATTACKING. This can only mean Yakuza. Yakuza Fury. Time to mash the buttons. Generic Guy has a huge selection of attacks, ranging from punching to standing around and getting beaten up. "Haha jokes on you, eventually you will hurt your fists!" But all is not lost, there are various floating weapons hidden in barrels and boxes. Plank of wood, knife, BIGGER plank of wood, samurai/yakuza fury sword and a gun. The gun is by far the best, as you have no way of aiming it. Even if you’re right in front of an enemy, he seems to miss. "Fucking western devil technology!" Wait, no. No time. Wait. Story.
See that street in the background? It goes nowhere! OOF.
Somehow you fart along into a dojo and meet a very old man. VERY OLD, he’s being held up high in the sky by a younger man. Hmm. Obviously this results in a boss battle. If you manage to win, (it’s difficult, three or so punches to take the bastard down) you’ll have a chat with old man. "Join me and my men" and you DO. One day we’ll rule this town, old man. Rule it with a ruler, and record the details, then submit it to the local council for ultimate kudos. Then old man will introduce you to his right hand man, Mr. Right. Mr. Right is basically a clone of Generic Guy, I’m talking Mortal Kombat style cloning here. But that’s okay, it’s a budget game. Don’t worry about effort! LET’S TALK TEXT ON THE SCREEN. He teaches you an excellent move. Making fire appear and knocking everyone on screen over. Ah, quite the teacher. The engrish that is bundled together with this move is fantastic. "GET THIS!" will appear on screen.
Off you go back to the girl you saved earlier. Did you know she runs a clothing shop? Yes! The only one in all of Japan. "I’m in a cool club now girl with no name, we’ll protect you from those LAME STINK HEADS". "Really?" And then there’s a crippling cut scene where she whips out her giant penis. But now the story is gone. Forever? Mystery. So you go back to just beating up everyone on the street. Some people are innocent, they’ll just stand around. Often with a newspaper. You can kill them if you want, it’s quite amusing.
The really fun part? The ENTIRE game takes place in about five locations. I used the word locations to sound like an ancient history teacher who sky dives while eating eggs, but really, I just mean streets. The streets are very small, and filled with rage. Streets of rage, even. Except there are no cop cars that shoot rockets. It’s terrible. In fact, the ENTIRE GAME clocks in at about an hour, including the detailed cut scenes.
But hey, you can play dress up if you want. Enemies will drop many coins after they "OOF" and fall over. Quick, go buy clothes! Some clothes will let you do new special moves for some terrible, dark reason, or even increase various bits and pieces! "Like these shoes?" "Nah" "They’ll improve something" "My running speed?" "No, your PUNCHING STRENGTH". Such is the logic of Yakuza Fury.
"Hey guys, I just polished this floor"
"OOF OOF OOF"
Oh! Story. I’ll just go and spoil it all for you. Don’t shed too many tears!
- Old man dies
- You become NEW ALMIGHTY LEADER
- Right hand man, Mr. Right, is not happy about this, and joins the rival break dancing crew.
- He’s the final boss.
- He quite seriously takes about five hits to die.
And then we’re left with the emotional ending of Generic Guy looking up towards the big stretched, blurry bitmap in the sky. CREDITS ROLL. But what happened to the girl? Maybe she fell off a bridge and landed on her giant penis? Graphics? Oh my yes, very N64 with expansion pak-ish. Music? I said wow. Actually, it really is quite good. Probably where the entire budget went. All 10 yen.
No videos this time, because I only rented it, and forgot to capture some with my high quality device, the butterfly net. Next time Gadget, next time. Except I never want to play this ever again. I don’t think you should either, but what do I know, I’m not a doctor!
Final scare: 
Out of five?
| Currently Playing: RyoLion - Great Green Green's |
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