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Infernal Monkey's Journal

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Jun 20, 2006 - 08:53 AM
Old man Die Hard's demands fall on deaf ears
1996, OLD MAN DIE HARD TAKES OVER NAKATAKAWAKKA BUILDING


"HAHA, HELLO, SWAT PIZZA? LISTEN, I WILL LET THE HOSTAGES GO IF YOU DELIVER FOUR LARGE PIZZAS, LOTS OF CHEESE, NO ONION, HELLO? HELLO SWAT PIZZA? WHY ISN'T MY TELEPHONE WORKING?"
"You're talking into an air conditioner remote, sir"
"HORSE SHIT"

2006, OLD MAN DIE HARD TAKES OVER NAKATAKAWAKKA BUILDING AGAIN FOR OLD TIMES SAKE


"HAHA, SWAT PIZZA. IT'S ME AGAIN, THIS TIME I AM NOT HAPPY. SEND FOUR LARGE PIZZAS AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. THE USUAL ORDER. HELLO? SWAT PIZZA? HORSE SHIT, WHAT'S WRONG THIS TIME?"







Currently Playing: Coldplay - Trouble

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[public entry #24]

Jun 19, 2006 - 03:39 AM
But for what?



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Jun 15, 2006 - 09:58 AM
Turtleshare.de
Rapidshare, they're all like "HEY EASY FUN UPLOADS FOR ALL" then cram in a pointless twenty second delay before you can access the section of internet you desire, and make you play a word game. FINALLY, they've given me an exciting one.


WHAT IS THIS? Hiz? Hiz C? Hiz C what? Perhaps the bit up the top is the rim of a mug, and the thick green I is the handle. Hiz Coffee? OR could that be a weird penis? Hiz Cock? And why is there a ramp in the bottom left? It had me thinking. It was thrilling! They should go even further one day, and make you play a crossword, or sudoku. How about guessing what picture is on the screen?


CARROT. MAYBE they could even ask you to physically shove a real carrot in there to access that MP3 or pornography. The future of Rapidshare might be exciting!

Currently Playing: Sugarcult - Memory

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Jun 7, 2006 - 09:35 AM
TETSUUUOOOO
I don't know why I get demented satisfaction from 'reviewing' these. Maybe it's because they're pathetic, maybe because the rest of the internet ignores them for good reason and there's a thrill of two or three people reading the words I've typed. Or maaaaybe it's just the poorly rendered tits?

The Camera Kozou / Paparazzi



Developer: HuneX
Publisher: D3 Publisher / 505

I should have done Pinball Fun before this. I have a long, angry, in-depth history with that game you see, and this is developed by the same drunk rocket scientists. Oh we-505 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? I was under the impression that the paparazzi were the goons that chased down famous people doing interesting things like shopping or picking their arse so that womens magazines can talk about it in great detail. But this game's about photo shoots! Or am I totally wrong in my understanding of paparazzi? And why is that bloke near the bottom right giving the peace symbol thingy? DON'T WORRY MISS, JUST ME AND THREE HUNDRED OF MY MATES TAKING BLINDING PHOTOS OF YOU AS YOU EAT CEREAL, IT'S OKAY!

So, Paparazzi. It's certainly the creepiest game I've played on PS2. Silent Hill, Forbidden Siren and Project Zero have nothing on this! Basically, you're taking photos of models. That's the whole game. The end. Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow! Wait up, there's a story mode in here. Oh good! A perverted game such as this needs an epic story. You star as the role of [You], or as I like to call you, Faceless Joe. Faceless Joe is depressed because there's a girl he likes but she doesn't know he even exists, so he has no hope of meeting her. Probably because he's masturbating to pictures of her on the internet or something, I don't know! But BAM, along comes good friend, Akira. He shows up with news that is related to Faceless Joe's depression, too! What a twist. Apparently the girl of Joe's dreams is having a photo shoot tomorrow and it'll be okay if you just rock on up to take photos. Nobody will know that you're not a professional photographer!



See? You just have to take nice pictures. Faceless Joe approves of this idea, with something along the lines of 'I get to be close to her AND take all the photos I want? This is like a dream!' Okay Joe, thumbs up buddy! Akira even gives you a camera he was going to chuck away. I guess everyone in Japan just throws perfectly working equipment in the trash.


Akira sure has put on a lot of weight since his battle with TETSUUUUUOOOOOO!

Ah but now you have to choose which of three models it is you.. want to stalk. Man I totally broke that sentence. There's Riho, the same chick from Demolition Girl and one of the fighters in Fighting Angels. Simple 2000's mascot. I mean, she even seems to be in this mahjong game. There's uh.. wait, I have a stolen image from the publishers website about this!



There we go. Rena is called Lehon in the manual though, maybe she's a trannie. Lehon by day, Rena by night. So anyway you choose one of them, and away you go. Time to take photos! YES! The model walks on in like a ROBOT, you choose where you want to stand around and it begins. She'll do all these poses, jump around a bit, sit on the ground and spread her legs, or crawl around as if she's possessed. All sorts of junk that'll most likely wind up on the cover of Playboy. The IDEA is to take decent photos. If you just madly swing the camera around and take photos of her elbow you'll go nowhere. You can choose to put the camera on a tripod to steady things, but this limits how much you can move around. There's actually a lot of silly little technical details in the game. Oh and you can kiiinda walk around if you put your camera away, so you could just stand next to the girl and do some heavy breathing if you want to. Akira would be proud. But WATCH OUT, rival camera guys are everywhere! If you take a photo while someone else is, there's a good chance you'll get too much FLASH and it'll be ruined. Also these other guys are black ghosts.


Oh no! How can she be sitting at a time like this, run away you silly girl, run like a robot!


AUUUUUUUUUGH

But you can get the edge, the exciting edge! If you win enough love from the girl, she'll strike special EROTIC CAKE SHOP poses JUST FOR YOU. These earn mega points. How do you win love? Act like an idiot of course. There are little mini-games you can play during the photo shoot, for example, singing. Yes. Singing. That'll win her love. Simply mash the O button as fast as you can in five seconds, excellent! My favorite is the dance one, because you have to mash random buttons, which will lead to



At the end of each shoot, your photos are graded. Good, bad, poor. Poor are usually photos you've taken of their undies or super zoom in shots of their breasts. You'd think a game like this would rate those as Good. So crushed, so crushed forever, HuneX! These points let you buy camera upgrades. Why just the other day I bought a pair of socks with some points. And you move on. There are a few different locations, like the park, a car show and.. another park. The awesome RPG like storyline evolves, you'll eventually meet an ANGRY CAMERA MAN who also wants to rape the poor girl. Instant super rival, he'll always try and block your shots. But your relationship with whoever it is (Nano has the least disturbing face of the three) GROWS like Faceless Joe's pants. After a while, she'll invite you to her place for a private photo shoot. Cool. I guess. The ending is a massive surprise, they go out on a date. Akira is totally forgotten, but I guess he lives happily ever after, too. Unless he crashed his bike.

Oh and depending on how you do, you'll unlock all sorts of outfits for the girls. School uniforms, 'race queen' thing, bikini's, to the downright absurd like santa's outfit, a bunny suit, a corporate mascot (what) that's basically just a really short skirt, some chains and a boob tube. Graphics are shithouse. Unlike Tamsoft, who focus all of the three yen budget on making sure the girls look good then have an N64 style background, HuneX have obviously just gone and bought a hamburger then smeared it all over a PS2 development kit. Robotic animations, chugging frame rate despite there only being a robot and ghosts on screen. Maybe a 2D tree or two. Water is just a big slab of blue, it doesn't react AT ALL. Just like real water!

Music is.. surprisingly good. Well, actually, no. Kinda. One track is a really nice piano dealy, the rest is bouncy Casio keyboard rubbish. There's voice for some reason during the ending, they left it in Japanese. That's as close as you'll get to sound effects in this game! This game will PROBABLY give you diarrhea.

Final scare:
I would have given it zero but it gets one simply for SUCCESSED! =D

Wow, full voice and shit!
YouTube Video


Currently Playing: Wintergreen - When I wake up

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Jun 1, 2006 - 11:53 PM
Oh for fucks sake, what the hell is this
So THEDIT: CRISIS OVER!IS



Just suddenly appeared on my screen. It can't be closed down. It popped back up when I reset. AVG doesn't detect anything. WHAT THE FUEDIT: CRISIS OVER!CK.


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May 31, 2006 - 10:06 AM
But it's just the sky






Currently Playing: SSX - Punk Shock

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May 28, 2006 - 01:48 AM
TIME TO




Spoiler:
STAY TUNED


Currently Playing: Norrin Radd, Zoast, Colin - The Double Dragon Variety Extravaganza

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May 23, 2006 - 10:45 AM
OH!

"Let's go for a walk on top of these small trees"
"Yes"
"HEEEEEY GUUUUUYS"


"OOF, I've sat down on a volcano!"
"Let's continue to go for a walk on these small trees"
"Yes"


"HEEEEEEY GUUUUUUYS, stop! I want to touch you all!"


"OH!"


"OH!"
"OH!"
"OH!"
"Is this enough?"


"Yes"

And so the detailed title screen explains the entire game. Pegging bags of money at furry animals really hard so they become your best friends. What kind of crazy adventure is this? IT'S AZTEC ADVENTURE!


Seems the rainbow leads to Papi, this might have a deeper meaning then any of us can comprehend! He only costs one bag, too! Nino's so excited his eyes are already drifting apart.


A FLOWER WITH A BAZOOKA?


And the adventure has started, the aztec adven-HOLY CRAP A FLOATING LADY HAS STOLEN RAPHAEL'S HEADBAND. COME BACK HERE, HE NEEDS THAT TO BE COOL BUT RUDE.


"Hey you Space Invaders, did you see a floating lady come by here?"
"Sorry mate, sure didn't"


"TELL ME"
"BUT I JUST DID"


After I slaughter them all, I find my potential best friends! But they try and stab me if I get too close, we're enemies. Enemies forever.








"BEST FRIENDS, BEST FRIENDS, BEST FRIENDS, TRA LA LA LA LA"
"Let's attack these guys because they shoot arrows from their groins"
"Yes"


Wait what?


"HEY IT'S THAT THIRD GUY THAT VANISHED EARLIER"
"Oh yeah sorry about that, I went to buy everyone some drinks down at the 7/11"
"NO MONEY BAGS FOR YOU"


"ONLY PAIN"
"DID YOU EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID? AUGH MY HEAD"


Looks like we've hit a difficult dead end here, what with the glowing plants.


BURN.


And somewhere in between that screen and this one, my best friends got murdered by a single bat.


Eegads!


Oh phew, safe.


EEGADS!


"It's you! You're my sworn enemy.. I think. Wasn't I chasing a girl at some point, I can't remember. PREPARE TO DIE"
"Shut up and kiss me"
"Sure!"


"GROSS"
"AH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW"


It's the expensive one! I need his expensive services right now, only he can help me save the day!




NO YOU STUPID MORON WHY ARE YOU WALKING OVER THERE? YOU ARE THE WORST FOUR BAGS OF MONEY I HAVE EVER SPENT"


So I hide myself from reality in the safety of my hate and cry for a bit, writing poems and applying black house paint to my fingernails.


A door! A closed door! Perhaps floating lady is in there, waiting, laughing, floating! HERE, HELP ME. OH! Together we shall defeat the last awful flower in the next screen over.


WHERE DID HE GO? Oh Lordi Lordi Lordi. Nevermind, I can DO THIS.


"Hello"
"Hi, how's it goin-ARE YOU CUTTING ME WITH YOUR FUCKING SWORD?"
"Nope"
"Oh okay, cool. For a second there I thought you were cutting me with your swo-waaait, YOU ARE, YOU ARE CUTTING ME WITH YOUR SWORD!"


A terrible death has taken place. But the door is open now! HEY CAT, THE DOOR IS OPEN.


NO THANKS TO YOU.


Oh no, the second level! I'll have to swim for it!


I'M DROWNING, OOOOOH NO, I'M DROWNING"


Ooooh, there's a raft! The raft will save me!


CLUNK

Currently Playing: Mixmaster Mike - Board Burner

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May 12, 2006 - 12:14 AM
Welcome to failure
Every now and then I will start drawing a comic, a very, very rough comic. A VIOLENT COMIC. So I can get what is floating around in my head out and it's there to look at. Then improve upon! Sometimes though, I skip the rough junk and just go head first. This is a fatal mistake, as my memory is shocking, and I forget as I draw. Then have to quickly try and change battle plans. And the ship sinks.

Welcome to one such example! Excite Truck.



Also some bonus old rough crap that was never destined to have effort, which has been hidden from the internet.

Sony announces PSP adaptor for TV, watch your Julia Roberts UMD's in fully glory!
I can't even remember the story behind this thing, I was talking to peeack at the time, he did a drawing based on it too but I don't have it. ;_;
Silicon Knights likes making games
Wario Ware for Revolution
SouthJag is a good employee
Zelda is mature

And I can't be bothered sifting through the messy folder anymore so this is where I hit the submit new entry button!

Currently Playing: Sads - Hello

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