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Jun 7, 2006 - 09:35 AM |
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TETSUUUOOOO |
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I don't know why I get demented satisfaction from 'reviewing' these. Maybe it's because they're pathetic, maybe because the rest of the internet ignores them for good reason and there's a thrill of two or three people reading the words I've typed. Or maaaaybe it's just the poorly rendered tits?
The Camera Kozou / Paparazzi
Developer: HuneX
Publisher: D3 Publisher / 505
I should have done Pinball Fun before this. I have a long, angry, in-depth history with that game you see, and this is developed by the same drunk rocket scientists. Oh we-505 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? I was under the impression that the paparazzi were the goons that chased down famous people doing interesting things like shopping or picking their arse so that womens magazines can talk about it in great detail. But this game's about photo shoots! Or am I totally wrong in my understanding of paparazzi? And why is that bloke near the bottom right giving the peace symbol thingy? DON'T WORRY MISS, JUST ME AND THREE HUNDRED OF MY MATES TAKING BLINDING PHOTOS OF YOU AS YOU EAT CEREAL, IT'S OKAY!
So, Paparazzi. It's certainly the creepiest game I've played on PS2. Silent Hill, Forbidden Siren and Project Zero have nothing on this! Basically, you're taking photos of models. That's the whole game. The end. Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow! Wait up, there's a story mode in here. Oh good! A perverted game such as this needs an epic story. You star as the role of [You], or as I like to call you, Faceless Joe. Faceless Joe is depressed because there's a girl he likes but she doesn't know he even exists, so he has no hope of meeting her. Probably because he's masturbating to pictures of her on the internet or something, I don't know! But BAM, along comes good friend, Akira. He shows up with news that is related to Faceless Joe's depression, too! What a twist. Apparently the girl of Joe's dreams is having a photo shoot tomorrow and it'll be okay if you just rock on up to take photos. Nobody will know that you're not a professional photographer!
See? You just have to take nice pictures. Faceless Joe approves of this idea, with something along the lines of 'I get to be close to her AND take all the photos I want? This is like a dream!' Okay Joe, thumbs up buddy! Akira even gives you a camera he was going to chuck away. I guess everyone in Japan just throws perfectly working equipment in the trash.
Akira sure has put on a lot of weight since his battle with TETSUUUUUOOOOOO!
Ah but now you have to choose which of three models it is you.. want to stalk. Man I totally broke that sentence. There's Riho, the same chick from Demolition Girl and one of the fighters in Fighting Angels. Simple 2000's mascot. I mean, she even seems to be in this mahjong game. There's uh.. wait, I have a stolen image from the publishers website about this!
There we go. Rena is called Lehon in the manual though, maybe she's a trannie. Lehon by day, Rena by night. So anyway you choose one of them, and away you go. Time to take photos! YES! The model walks on in like a ROBOT, you choose where you want to stand around and it begins. She'll do all these poses, jump around a bit, sit on the ground and spread her legs, or crawl around as if she's possessed. All sorts of junk that'll most likely wind up on the cover of Playboy. The IDEA is to take decent photos. If you just madly swing the camera around and take photos of her elbow you'll go nowhere. You can choose to put the camera on a tripod to steady things, but this limits how much you can move around. There's actually a lot of silly little technical details in the game. Oh and you can kiiinda walk around if you put your camera away, so you could just stand next to the girl and do some heavy breathing if you want to. Akira would be proud. But WATCH OUT, rival camera guys are everywhere! If you take a photo while someone else is, there's a good chance you'll get too much FLASH and it'll be ruined. Also these other guys are black ghosts.
Oh no! How can she be sitting at a time like this, run away you silly girl, run like a robot!
AUUUUUUUUUGH
But you can get the edge, the exciting edge! If you win enough love from the girl, she'll strike special EROTIC CAKE SHOP poses JUST FOR YOU. These earn mega points. How do you win love? Act like an idiot of course. There are little mini-games you can play during the photo shoot, for example, singing. Yes. Singing. That'll win her love. Simply mash the O button as fast as you can in five seconds, excellent! My favorite is the dance one, because you have to mash random buttons, which will lead to
At the end of each shoot, your photos are graded. Good, bad, poor. Poor are usually photos you've taken of their undies or super zoom in shots of their breasts. You'd think a game like this would rate those as Good. So crushed, so crushed forever, HuneX! These points let you buy camera upgrades. Why just the other day I bought a pair of socks with some points. And you move on. There are a few different locations, like the park, a car show and.. another park. The awesome RPG like storyline evolves, you'll eventually meet an ANGRY CAMERA MAN who also wants to rape the poor girl. Instant super rival, he'll always try and block your shots. But your relationship with whoever it is (Nano has the least disturbing face of the three) GROWS like Faceless Joe's pants. After a while, she'll invite you to her place for a private photo shoot. Cool. I guess. The ending is a massive surprise, they go out on a date. Akira is totally forgotten, but I guess he lives happily ever after, too. Unless he crashed his bike.
Oh and depending on how you do, you'll unlock all sorts of outfits for the girls. School uniforms, 'race queen' thing, bikini's, to the downright absurd like santa's outfit, a bunny suit, a corporate mascot (what) that's basically just a really short skirt, some chains and a boob tube. Graphics are shithouse. Unlike Tamsoft, who focus all of the three yen budget on making sure the girls look good then have an N64 style background, HuneX have obviously just gone and bought a hamburger then smeared it all over a PS2 development kit. Robotic animations, chugging frame rate despite there only being a robot and ghosts on screen. Maybe a 2D tree or two. Water is just a big slab of blue, it doesn't react AT ALL. Just like real water!
Music is.. surprisingly good. Well, actually, no. Kinda. One track is a really nice piano dealy, the rest is bouncy Casio keyboard rubbish. There's voice for some reason during the ending, they left it in Japanese. That's as close as you'll get to sound effects in this game! This game will PROBABLY give you diarrhea.
Final scare:
I would have given it zero but it gets one simply for SUCCESSED! =D
Wow, full voice and shit!
| Currently Playing: Wintergreen - When I wake up |
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