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Nov 11, 2006 - 03:55 AM |
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Deadly Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead |
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The good news is that I'm running out of these disasters, and the few remaining are pretty good. The bad news is this isn't! But maybe that's a good thing. It's not Or is it? No.
Sengoku vs. Gendai / Deadly Strike
Developer: Psyworks
Publisher: D3 / Midas
For the first time ever the PAL box is better, and by better I mean yellow. The PAL box is certainly more yellow. Oh look it's not by 505 GameStreet this time! So GOKU VS GLEN (from accounting) or whatever, it's part of the 'Ultimate' series of Simple 2000 games. I don't know what this is supposed to mean, it's not like they're any different from the normal rubbish dumps! Here are some other titles in the Ultimate range.
Simple 2000: The Eyes
Simple 2000: The Musical Suicide
Simple 2000: The Down Syndrome
Simple 2000: The Ref and The Deadly Homosexual Delight
Inspired by that one scene in Akira, cruuuuushed!
Simple 2000: The Game Developer and the Frustration
Simple 2000: The Prostitute and the Obscure Locations
Simple 2000: The Lack of Medicare
But these are all most likely very entertaining titles! Something that cannot be said about Deadly Strike. CANNOT be said, it breaks the laws of the law of unbreakable laws. It's a hack and slash type thing, much like Tetris Attack, Q-Bert and Elevator Action. You run around, swing your sword, call it a day. There's a storyline, except it doesn't do its job of explaining 'what'. The introduction movie plays out, and wham you're taken back to the early 90's quality FMV. Let's see, there's someone hacking into a computer system, another one shoots some guy in the face with a laser gun which only ends up removing his shirt. That's a pretty good gun to have.
Oh my favorite part of the intro is a baby stroller rolling across a pedestrian crossing all by itself (reminded me of Ghostbusters 2) and WATCH OUT THERE'S A TRUCK APPROACHING. So this school girl who just happens to be walking by holding a butterfly net puts both these things together in her brain and the only possible solution she can think of is to KNOCK THE FUCKING TRUCK OVER. THE DRIVER PROBABLY DIED YOU BITCH. ;_; It's all here! About the 0:33 mark.
And that's it. Next thing you're choosing one of those characters and you're in the middle of nowhere. All the backgrounds are pre-rendered like Resident Evil, often featuring zero animation. Sure they can often look alright but everything is so DEAD. Know what isn't dead though? The enemies. Oh my they're very much alive. Wait, no they're not. The enemies in this game are as thick as pig shit. Sometimes they just won't EVER bother attacking you, even on the hard difficulty setting. Tra la la, let's just walk in circles, wonder what's for dinner tonight, hope it's braaaaains. Even the bosses won't take much notice and just keep randomly attacking the corner of the screen in the slim hope that you'll decide to walk over there. Or perhaps there's a deeper meaning to all this, maybe I'm the enemy here. That'll learn 'ya, stupid people I don't know in a place I've never been!
Another innovative feature of the game is getting stuck. Wanna walk over there? Whoooops, you're stuck! Haha! Canned laughter, we've got a sitcom. Once you're stuck, no amount of pushing the other direction on the dpad will free you, just keep running in the same direction, eventually you'll be free! Free as nazis! I like the amount of attacks in the game, you can either swing your sword or shoot your gun. What to do, what to do. If you're very lucky you can perform a combo, hitting someone in the air and then shooting them. I don't think any game's gonna do better than that! O button makes you roll, which is about as handy as a foot. What's there to ever roll away from? Holy crap the enemies are walking in circles, I'd better get out of here by rolling and getting stuck!
If you hate your friends, there's a two player option. When Jin was over I ruined his day with this, we played for about two minutes, but those two minutes took away several years of his life. You can't even bloody hit eachother, where's the fun in that? That was the only reason anyone ever played Battletoads in two player, because you sure as fucking hell couldn't ever get past the speeder bikes with two people. I can't go on much longer about Deadly Strike, more like Deadly Boring LOLHAHATEEHEE. The second boss is great, he spins around shooting fire balls in every direction. He makes a funny noise! Much more funny than the last boss who is very UNfunny, he just STANDS THERE. He might vanish and appear again in a different spot but that's it. What a tosser. Good thing I killed him and the credits rolled, then the title screen popped up again. Good thing I got an answer to what was going on with the stor-oh.
After you beat it you can go unlock garbage from the garbage dump with your points. Of course the most expensive item, with all the question marks, is just revealing outfits for all the characters. EVEN THE UGLY AS SIN GUYS.
These aren't guys, but they could be. Who knows. I feel sorry for the one on the bottom, I think she's just shattered her spine.
The only positive about this game is the music. That seems to be a common thing with these! Maybe I'm just so horrified by everything else that I'm thinking the music is better than it really is. If someone could alter this GIF so that there's only half of him, that'd be so cool I'd suck your whatever. Floor. Gotta get all dem dust mites up. So imagine this is only 1/2 out of five!
Final scare:
Made my own storyline, take THAT
| Currently Playing: Mixmaster Mike - Board Burner |
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