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Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's Journal

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Nov 6, 2008 - 02:07 AM
This Isn't Supposed to be the Psych Ward.
I am in a section of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center that's dedicated to pre and post-transplant care. This section contains heart and lung patients. Many of us are tethered to monitoring devices, I.V. poles and other machinery. If shit gets real, that's a lot of baggage. I'm more mobile than most. I can disconnect a couple wires and tubes, then bolt if I must. One should hope this never becomes necessary, naturally.

Laying mostly asleep in my hospital room, moments ago, I was awakened by a loud clatter. Something in the nearby hallway had fallen. People were yelling. I had a family member bring me a fan to drown out the usual disturbances, so hearing this was quite alarming. There had been other incidents in which cardiac patients had required immediate help, I'd heard what that sounded like. This was very different, it felt very wrong for the usual emergency situation.

I could hear the immediate responses of other patients, to open their doors and see what the story was. The staff was quick to loudly demand that they close their doors. This was the message I gathered, though the words were unclear due to my fan.

I got up, turned the fan off and just listened. A man was furious. At first, it sounded to me like a patient was complaining of perceived abuses, but the whole tone was darker, more urgent. I can't tell but it was tense enough to believe that something seriously wrong had been attempted, or done, such as negligence leading to patient death, or murder. People were screaming, arguing. The one man with the African-American sounding voice was shouting "I kill dudes like you!" A woman named Angela was told to get right back where she was.

There were a lot of people speaking at once, so it was difficult to make out the sequence of events. It was heavy arguing between the African American voice and one of the floor staffers. The conversation had the ebb and flow of a negotiation sequence, one in which a person attempts to talk another down out of a manic state. A statement of "showing off for 30 people" came into play, making it sound vaguely gang-related. And someone else, an older voice, yelling about a tracheotomy.

This went on for about seven or eight minutes, a sort of Mexican standoff near my doorway. The African American voice was very agitated, very angry. I could hear the approaching sound of radios, signalling the arrival of some kind of security force. The tone outside became more subdued within moments, and soon there was mild laughter. The African American voice disappeared.

There was a lot of shuffling around of equipment and such, following this. I couldn't hear much of anything. A man with a two-way handheld suggested closing off the floor from outsiders, I think. Shortly thereafter, I could hear a male nurse, the one who'd been involved in much of the arguing, trying to settle the patient across the hall. He asked if the light should remain on, then gave an assurance that "that guy's not coming back here."

I have a vivid imagination, so I need to be wary about envisioning the worst possible scenario here. But based upon all the input, it seems like something very dangerous happened right outside my door, maybe even gang-related.


An hour before this happened, I had a very vivid dream. A curious side-effect of anti-rejection medication is that the adjustment period often brings with it some peculiar mental issues. Hallucinations, schizophrenia, violent mood swings, nightmares, personality disorders - these are all common. They're thankfully temporary. You cannot predict who will receive which, and I got hallucinations and nightmares.

The dream was relatively mundane until the section in which I, my father, and several folk from my neighborhood at home, came upon a mysterious, glowing, blue light. Upon further inspection, it appeared to be a small alien vessel that had been grounded with technical difficulties. But as we approached, we found ourselves glowing also, and I could feel the pulsing. When someone moved too near, it triggered an auto-destruct sequence that levitated the craft off the ground, into the atmosphere above, radiation growing in size and intensity. A skull image became visible in the maelstrom, then as it reached its zenith and was as large in the sky as our own Sun, it exploded forth, sending out twisting waves of destructive energy. As they bathed over the planet's surface, I could see and feel all matter, and seemingly reality itself, break its bonds as the concentric waves of the explosion literally dissolved everything in its path, before my rapidly waning eyesight. All objects were being pulled apart at their most subatomic levels. And I could sense the collective shock and terror of over seven billion souls as the consciousness of each was laid thin among the fabric of space in an instant, a final state of desperate self-awareness before nothingness took over - at which point I snapped awake with an elevated heartbeat and what must've been an expression of purest confusion.


But between seeing the earth's molecular demise and a possible homicide only ten feet away, I doubt I'll be sleeping much for the rest of the night.




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Nov 1, 2008 - 07:28 AM
In Which Crash Fucks Around With Ambien and Maybe Fights a Closet at 2:AM
I finally acquired some Ambien here. I'm not a heavy user but I do get spells of "hypnagogic jerks" that prevent me from settling into a normal sleep cycle; as my brain senses the slowdown commencing, a sharp, violent muscle twitch in the leg or arm usually, will snap me from my haze, making sleep difficult. This phenonemon isn't uncommon in people who go through large surgeries, then are not allowed to immediately rest. There are also crucial windows at which Ambien cannot be dispensed.

After a week of spending nearly every night with my eyes with open, I got myself the Ambien. Had to climb the doctor's ladder a bit to grab permission but who will stop me?

I took the Ambien with Vicodin, despite my personal concerns that the two have dangerous results. Evidently, this is a myth, or a gross overexagerration of the truth. What it did do was fuck me up in other ways.

After a half hour's of rest, I felt my subconscience flare into a little ball of bright light. The package rapidly spun like a Jiffy-Pop filled with Roman Candles. Somewhere in this, my body was sucked in and I flew around as a firework for a couple seconds. I then awoke, in bed, surrounded by the same eeriliy glowing hospital equipment. It took me several moments to realize I'd been asleep, and to stop believing it was all some hoax. I went to the computer at around midnight and spoke to my brother about it briefly. I then felt faint of mind so went back beneath the sheets.

Shortly after again, I awoke, realized I'd nodded off, then noticed the dinner tray had been removed. I was finally hungry, but where to get food? It should be noted that I'm currently connected to a small network of rubber tubes and cardio monitoring devices, each six times as large as necessary. In my confused stupor, I must have attempted to shut these objects in a closet so that I could freely wander to the cafetera at 2:AM. I had my computer open but most of my time was spent moving around cords and wires. I'd totally disbelieve this segment of the night had there not been a half-empty bag of Doritos and a can of Pepsi on my bedside table right now. Proof that I did somehow make my way over to the corner, grab the snacks, and get busy. But logistically, I never would've tried such a thing so I can only surmise that I'd been sleepwalking.


I awoke twice more, once in bed to the encouragement of a nurse who'd noticed that my blood sugar was dangerously low during a routine check. I guess she got me the orange juice in a glass that I could see.
The second awakening had me in bed again, with the nurse laughing that noe my blood sugar was too high. She chuckled as she threw out my orange juice.

I have little concept of time since then, and have suffered a couple small hallucinations since awakening (temporary effect of the anti-rejection drug), yet I feel as though I could drop right off to sleep at any point now, unhindered. That's what I was looking for.

To think, I could've been getting sleep every night if the nurse practitioner hadn't assumed that my request for a sedative wasn't tantamount to "Gimme narcotics!"? Nice enough woman but she needs to LISTEN.


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Oct 28, 2008 - 11:02 AM
Got New Lungs

Hey everyone, just a quick update to say that I've been recovering and am doing well. My dad has his laptop here so I can post for a moment. Just saying hello. I'm still in a considerable bit of pain but I'm tolerating. Improvements are slow and steady; I'm more mobile now and will continues to become so.

I'm a little tired, so I'm gonna cut it short. Getting chest tubes pulled is a draining procedure. Gonna need a nap for sure once the Percosets kick in.

But hello, GFF.


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Oct 23, 2008 - 10:00 PM
I'm Going to Pittsburgh.
This time it's for real. Just got the call, again.

Wish me luck, folks. This is it!




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Oct 22, 2008 - 05:58 PM
I Got The Call From Pittsburgh Today
...Around 2:30 PM.

I didn't go. Here's the story.

The transplant coordinator called me while I was at work. A set of donor lungs was going to become available very soon and they looked very good. The question was one of how well I've been feeling - good, bad, getting worse, staying even, etc? I told her that, all things considered, I feel pretty good for a guy who needs new lungs.

Here was the catch: the donor had a bit of a questionable medical history, cancer in particular. It had been in remission for a while and the lungs had never been noticably affected. Still, there would always be that risk, no matter how minor; if I accepted those lungs, I'd always have that sword hanging over me. The scenario, as urged by the chief surgeon, was that if I didn't feel well, I should take the lungs and accept the very slight risk of incidental cancer. But if I was getting by, it'd probably be safer to pass and wait for a better donor. Ultimately, it was up to me, and naturally, I turned those lungs down. Someone in a more dire situation could have them. Lung cancer is an irony I'd rather avoid, thank you.

So we continue to wait. The good news is that it's begun, I'm getting offers. I knew it wouldn't be long. As long as my health holds out, I can pick and choose. For the past month, I've sort of wondered what I'd do when the call from Pittsburgh came. Reality has a way of springing itself like a lioness on the hunt. Would I panic, would I hyperventilate and pass out? But none of that happened. I took it a lot more calmly than I figured I'd be able, which is good. I think it means I'm truly ready to go through with the whole ordeal. I figure that once they have me in their clutches and I cannot escape - when the imminence of transplant can be measured in mere minutes - that's when I'll be free to shit a brick and recant every horrible thing I've done.

Just the same, I knew it'd be a tad foolish to invest in a Halloween costume this year. Next year, I'll go whole hog.


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Oct 16, 2008 - 05:59 AM
On McCain, Obama, The Debate and Healthcare
I watched a large portion of last night's debate, something that's somewhat out of character for me.

See, going into the telecast, I wasn't firmly in any candidate's camp. I've been leaning toward Obama for a little while but it was mostly because I felt slightly less apathetic toward him. The deepest insight I'd had about the entire race was my general feeling that Joseph Biden doesn't make me feel as if my attention is being diverted from critical issues. I cannot say the same of Palin.

I sat through most of the debate, treating it as one would a drinking game. ("Joe the plumber" would've had me unconscious on the floor, soaked in my own vomit.) I cracked wise when able, sparing no punches for either candidate. In my opinion, Barack Obama still vaguely resembles Apocalypse from the X-Men and this concerns me.

Judge for Yourself!:




Anyhow, I was all lulz and shitgiggles until the mediator, whomever he was, raised the topic of health care. Certain issues don't faze me but, for several obvious reasons, health care is something about which I care rather deeply. My attention was fixed, I was in serious mode.

As I expected, each candidate proposed the healthcare plan that best suits the ideology of his party:
  • Democrats: Give money to people who don't necessarily deserve it, at the expense of people who probably worked pretty hard to get that money. Nobody wins but fewer people die in a ditch somewhere. Grant needful people access to government healthcare plans. Somehow, this is not the same as Medicaid.
  • Republicans: Keep the money in the hands of the people who already have it. Trickle-down economics will work one of these times! If we cannot afford healthcare, we will be guaranteed the freedom to choose the type of coverage we do not have!

Toward the latter half of the subject, McCain was handed the floor for rebuttal. He attempted to point out that not all people require their healthcare plan chosen for them, as Obama's plan could do in some situations. McCain then went and pissed me off. He referred to some existing policies as "gold Cadillac plans", then pointed out that they cover such frivolous procedures as cosmetic surgery and transplants. Though McCain didn't directly declare it, he strongly insinuated in his remark that organ transplant is as vain and unnecessary as a tummy tuck. Were it not for my own hard-fought efforts, I wouldn't have one of these "gold Cadillac plans" currently enabling my impending transplant procedure; and I don't enjoy being told that my reasons for pushing my physical limitations for the sake of keeping this insurance aren't as necessary as, say, Joe the Plumber's.

I can't support that. No way. It felt like a direct slight. I tried to view the statement more objectively but nothing could erase those words. This is a candidate who (now) opposes abortion, so the logical understanding is that McCain would believe all life precious. It seems rather hypocritical - at least to me - to then categorize organ transplants as superficial. He might as well have opposed seat belts after that remark.

I'm rather glad that Obama chose to point out that McCain's proposed healthcare bill would take unfair advantage of and restructure several existing corporate residency by-laws in such a way that healthcare providers would be allowed to "cherrypick" their customers, refusing coverage to some who fail to meet health standards. I knew this already due to having looked into the bill myself several weeks ago, noticing the same flaws. It made me leery of McCain but if Obama said nothing to oppose those points, then I'd have held him as a passive supporter of pandering on that level. Hence, why my support was still undeclared. We vote closest to the issues that resonate in our daily lives. This is how it should be.

I'm leaning a lot more toward Obama at this point, and unless he comes out iin favor of raping whales or turning babies into mulch, I'll probably vote for him. I doubt Obama will be as revolutionary as his campaign promises but as long as he doesn't do much actual damage he'll be leaps and bounds above his predecessor. It'll be a monumentally difficult task to somehow appear worse than G.W. after four years.

And McCain will always have the beer industry to fall back upon.

Palin can fall beneath a hay thresher for all I care. When members of your own party concede that your primary function is P.R. fluff, all credibility is lost.



Response entries:
For you, Crash. by Animechanic

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Oct 13, 2008 - 09:09 PM
A Potential Glimpse of "The Venture Brothers" Circa 2012.
I had another bizarre dream this morning. Much of the first and second parts were relatively uneventful, save for the end of the second section in which I was fleeing a pair of quack physicians down a byzantine network of corridors and side-rooms, the floors and walls of which were each covered in brightly colored fabric such that they might resemble stage props from The Price Is Right, only somehow far tackier. But despite the onslaught of bad interior decor, the best was yet to come.

After escaping the maze of psychedelic twisty passages, I found myself living in a boarding house somewhere on the low-rent side of Georgia's coastline. Through some leap of fate, I'd become a cast member on the seventh season of "The Venture Brothers," a point at which it was clearly obvious that the show had officially jumped the shark at least two seasons prior.

Patrick Warburton had left the show over contract disputes, so Brock Samson was nowhere to be found. Harry and Dean were off to college and were only referred to in the third person or during "hilarious" postcard sequences in which a house member fetched the mail and read aloud another of the boys' wacky fraternity adventures. Helper had come out of the closet as a gay robot and had taken on a fat, ornery live-in boyfriend who did nothing but eat and emit foul odors. Dr. Venture had given up the science business and was now the bumbling proprietor of the boarding house and also a vicious alcoholic. One of Dr. Venture's minor nemeses, some criminally ineffective lout, also stayed in the house, and in criminally ineffective fashion, continually failed to pay the rent, providing much fuel for conflict. Dr. Girlfriend was there, having abandoned The Monarch once again, along with her new husband, some decent-looking bloke whose name was never mentioned, presumably for comic purposes. The couple had a toddler son and had taken up Judaism to be fashionable.

I was the good-natured foil to the sociopathic crew that surrounded me. My particular function was to guard the "Bag of Treats," a large sack of sugary snacks that each other housemate desperately craved. I was like some kind of heroic Hamburglar, or something. This desire seemed to be the basis for many of the "episodes", demonstrating that the show had indeed passed its prime. I'd find myself scrambling around the house, trying to pry Helper's gay lover from the bottom of the bag as Dr. Venture, in a drunken rage, would round the corner and declare the he had a "hankerin' for something tasty."

In what must be the most absurd twist yet, it was somewhere decided that each episode had to end with one of the cast members saying "I love Hannukah!" One particular episode finished on a ten-minute standoff in which nobody wanted to utter the phrase and several contests of strength and endurance were held to determine the poor sap who had to demean himself or herself in order to close out the show. Dr. Girlfriend's son eventually threw himself on the grenade, drawing all sorts of canned laughter and cooing from the phantom audience.

As when many shows begin to fail, guest stars are brought in to shore up ratings. This was no exception. I was on the side porch, attempting to hide the Bag of Treats; there had been a flood and nobody was able to visit the Piggly Wiggly, so I had to preserve my treasure. I was startled by the gruff voice of John Goodman, looking very much like Walter Sobchak, approaching from behind in a rowboat. He'd come to have a few stern words with "that Venture feller." At that point, my subconcious mind knew it was time to pack it in and wake the fuck up.

So I did and here we are. I can't wait for the DVD release.


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Oct 6, 2008 - 06:50 AM
Know Your Musical Name Stereotypes!!
Here's a simple exercise you can do! Can you judge a band or musician with no more information than their name? It's easier than it sounds!

Just match the pretend band name from Column A with its corresponding genre in Column B!

Column B

Pop-Punk

Indie Folk

Electronica

Blues Rock

Gangsta Rap

Country

Alternative Rock

R&B

Death Metal

Emo
Column A

Skullkräker

Willie Hootermeyer & the Bigshots

Jocelle

Tanya Ellerbee

Soul Reflect Phantom

Jigantik

The Sperm Donors

Mission Fifty-Five

Spencer Lee Bowbrook

Hypotenuse


How Did You Score?

Spoiler:
If you need an answer key, you're a fucking idiot.


Congratulations! You are now a better music connoiseur!


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Oct 3, 2008 - 03:12 PM
To the Good People at Mirriam-Webster:

On principle, I am opposed to the word "indescribable."

Please note my dissatisfaction.

Thank you,
Crash Landon


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Oct 2, 2008 - 06:27 PM
A Lewis Black Moment
As I passed through my department, I was able to overhear a customer - a twitchy woman whose brittle, greying hair and prodigal crow's feet betrayed her attempts at appearing young - whine to my coworker as her meat order was being prepared. They'd been speaking for a couple minutes, the two of them. I'd seen them conversing though my ears could not know the words from my first position. My rational mind insists that what I heard was logically bracketed within a larger context. I but for the life of me cannot imagine what that context is, however. Like Lewis Black at the Ihop, I am forever doomed to carry about this nonsequitur whose basis for existence is thoroughly intangible. It now haunts me like an icepick lodged in my brain which would cause immediate and excrutiating death if removed, so hence shall it remain for all my days as a reminder to whistle much louder as I work.

Because misery appreciates the value of complicity in like spirits, I share here the words that gave me pause to stare blankly for three minutes as a thin rivulet of drool formed at the base of my chin.

I expect that the time for warnings has passed, for if you've made it this far, no sensible cautions will steer you from your masochism. May God take mercy upon your foolish curiosity.

Spoiler:
Originally Posted by Some Stupid Customer
"I'm colder today than I've ever been. It must be due to the dampness. I think I'll have french toast for dinner."


Enjoy your apple, Eve. The garden of your sanity is forever lost.


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