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Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's Journal

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Dec 14, 2008 - 12:45 PM
Beautiful Wasteland
Response to: The book of love is long and boring by nadienne

(I am bored, so I will do this and hope I am not so bored in ten minutes.)

Let it never be said,
She doesn't own a dress.
It's time to laugh, it's time to cry.
Whenever life gets you down,
Oracabessa moonshine is washing over me.

Well, I heard that you're leaving
Daylight is creeping
Hanging round downtown by myself
Don't pretend you don't know me.
Happy, smilin', cryin'.

Happy birthday!
I never felt that you would love me the way you do.
I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain.
If you're waiting for your wings but you just got legs
If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I took your heart to the taxidermist and I nailed it to the bedroom wall.
This bed is on fire with passion and glow
If I could walk a straight mile and write it down in shorthand
Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?
Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be.


(Somehow this seems faintly coherent. Weird.
Instrumentals and foreign language songs were skipped by.)


Round 2!

Another Second Time Around

Now if you're feeling kind of low about the dues you've been paying,
I've found a way to make you.
You and I in a little toy shop,
All I have and all I do,
Like Jimmy Carter, like electric underwear.

If this is the way it's meant to be,
I see the headline news, the stories that I read do not affect me directly.
There are times when you get suckered in by drugs and alcohol and sex with women, mmmkay.
She moves like she don't care.
Well the fact of the matter there ain't no facts involved.

Someone in the club tonight has stolen my ideas.
Higher, higher than the sun,
Well, I'm going to the hardware store.
Hey baby, baby, what'cha want to calling me?
Honestly, cause I never heard a word you said now.

And it's a hot one.
You've been away, so long, too long.
Gather 'round ye lads and lasses.
Running out of excuses now.
You, doing that thing you do.


Third time's the charm!

Jackie Cane

I seen you darlin, seen you hangin' around town.
Slip inside the eye of your mind,
If I blow you a kiss, would you go the distance?
Have you ever been close to tragedy?
That's great, it starts with an earthquake.

You don't know how you took it.
My eyes don't see the obvious.
So you wanna go on the road.
It's been a whole lot easier since you left town.
If you wanna make a movement then you better come in.

Lose my head to the chemical freeway.
Some things in life are bad.
A tornado is blowing.
What in the world happened to you?
I found you on a suitcase cryin'.

Long before the screen door slammed,
I see your sister staring at me out of the window.
Well the rain falls down without my help, I'm afraid.
And I feel the time's a wasted go.
I've been downhearted baby.


(I might be pretty good at this; this one sounds almost cohesive.)


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Dec 11, 2008 - 05:21 PM
Trapped In a Well-Meaning Limbo
I'm currently in Pittsburgh to participate in a drug study. The drug tastes like shit but it's effective and they already know it has no ill-effects. But that's not what I wish to discuss.

Because my visit is related to the local hospital system (UPMC), I can stay in something called a "Family House." It offers lodging at a reasonable rate - $10 per night - but lacks the frills and services of an actual hotel. You supply and prepare your own food. You make your own bed and change your own linens. You're required to clean and vacuum your room before you leave, and there's absolutely no food allowed outside the commons area. If you know what a Ronald McDonald House is, you can get the gist.

And I've grown to hate it here. Aside from the abject dullness, I've come to detect a strong sense of malaise in the air. Some folks believe that emotions can be imprinted in the walls of a building. I am wondering if this is true, as I have plenty of energy when I am elsewhere but find myself drained whenever I return to the Family House.
The typical visitor is here because a loved one is in the hospital for a significant period and the family, who lives far away, has nowhere else to go. Many people spend weeks or even months here as their loved ones recover, or sometimes, wait to die. Other patients have recovered from surgery and are well enough to move about on their own, but not well enough to return home, as I was for a while in November.

Whatever the circumstance, it produces an aura of boredom, fear and hopelessness in the vicinity. The expressions on some folks' faces is one of thorough fatigue and numbness: they've been here for months and all sense of routine and home life is gone - THIS is now their life, until their relative recovers. And it's a bleak existence, living from day to day with little purpose, forbidden to return home because of the sense of duty to the sick. Life in limbo is not life at all, in my opinion, and it's that muted sense of despair that permeates everything in this place.

And I can't stand it. The only reason I'm here is because I am not yet allowed to drive on my own. Had I my druthers, I'd be staying at a Marriott or Holiday Inn - they offer discounts to UPMC outpatients. But the cost for two people is still a lot, and it's hard to refuse a fee of $50 for five nights when you're forced to travel with someone.

It's nice that a place like this exists for those truly in need, but I've paid my dues and am in recovery with a lot of hope for the future. I'm not supposed to feel wrung out just because of where I am. I return home to Buffalo tomorrow afternoon and I'm already chomping at the bit. I don't belong in an environment like this. I tried to explain to my Dad and he doesn't seem to comprehend.

I just needed to get that off my chest.


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Dec 10, 2008 - 02:46 PM
Let's Try This College Thing One More Time, Shall We?
Now that I am stable and have effectively triumphed over my respiratory problems, I should probably do something with my extended life. Thus, I'm going to college. My first two attempts failed because I kept falling ill.

I spent some time researching the two fields that interested me most - cooking and meteorology - and came to the decision that while the weather is indeed awesome to behold, the scientific side is perhaps a bit too dry for someone like me. With such an emphasis upon math, a subject I've never liked, I believe I would become bored, perhaps before I graduate. Cooking, on the other hand, is all about design and innovation, skills close to my heart. It doesn't pay as well as the sciences but I would prefer to be satisfied with my career than resent a dull one.

After some research, I've concluded that the Art Institute of Pittsburgh's culinary arts program is the best and most accessible for me. The syllabus is nearly identical to each other culinary school in the tri-state area, including the Culinary Institute of America in Hyde Park, NY, but for less money and within reasonable driving distance. The other culinary in Pittsburgh is a cordon bleu and focuses only upon French cuisine, and I'd like to be more well-rounded than that. It's also 40% more expensive.
It also helps that I'll be required to visit the hospital in Pittsburgh routinely for the next few years, so if it's only 20 minutes away, all the better.

I toured the A.I. yesterday, mostly to see if it was even a place I could tolerate. I'd heard mixed reviews. I was, however, pleasantly surprised and the environment felt correct for me. I observed the students passing through the corridors, sketching at their tables, chopping ingredients, etc. I didn't have to exchange a word to know that they were my people. The building is right in the heart of metropolitan downtown, making for a backdrop to which I'm not accustomed, but one that is also quite fascinating to watch. I think those who gave me bad reviews of their time at the A.I. expected more of a sprawling campus, more of the traditional ivy league environment.

I'll be obtaining a Bachelor's of Science degree in cooking and restaurant management, but attempting to squeeze the four year degree into three years. It is apparently very common for A.I. students to study during the summer, though not mandatory. Studying in summer probably isn't a bad idea, as that's when I normally feel my best anyhow. The third year is optional but it's also the difference between an Associates and a Bachelor's degree.

There's a ton of stuff to do, I suppose. My target enrollment date is October 2009, pending approval from my doctor. The idea is frightening, even at 32, as my health never allowed me to live away from home before. I don't really know anyone here aside from Capo and Ultima, and they have their own courseloads to contend with. And there's so much stuff I'll likely need to acquire. I mean, I need to get dishware! Towels! A vacuum! Pots and pans!

I feel slightly intimidated by the whole process and cannot imagine how 18 year-olds so energetically go off to school. I'm getting ahead of myself - I haven't even filed for financial aid and scholarships yet - but part of me is already wondering if I'll be able to accept a different bed for three years. Or a roommate. I'm a light sleeper and don't need to be disturbed by some idiot snoring all night. I'll fill his nostrils with glue if I must. I qualify for a single-bedroom apartment, but there aren't many available. Perhaps I'll get lucky.

I just feel the need to forge onward and get this done while I can. I'm almost 33, I don't want to work in a supermarket deli forever.


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Dec 4, 2008 - 09:36 PM
Stupid Music Shuffle Thing to Kill Some Time
Response to: Dragon Quest VIII, Hopefully New Job, Plus Music Thing from KrelEN by Helloween


As described in KrelEN and Helloween's Journals, it's time for another embarassing round of randomized awfulness. Let's all laugh as my suspect taste in music is laid bare for all to mock!

One music directory. Ten songs. Shuffle mode engaged. Megathrusters are go! LETS FORM VOLTRON!!

1) Weird Al Yankovic - Polka Party! - Polka Party!
2) They Might Be Giants - Apollo 18 - Space Suit
3) Lightning Seeds - Tilt - Tales of the Riverbank
4) Cowboy Mouth - Voodoo Shoppe - Home
5) Craig Chaquico - Panorama: The Best of - Beyond Words
6) Genesis - Turn It On Again ~ The Hits - Jesus He Knows Me
7) Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites - Long December
8) Metallica - Load - Until It Sleeps
9) They Might Be Giants - Flood - Particle Man
10) Ben Folds - Rockin' the Suburbs - Carrying Cathy

I guess this reveals some things, things such as I like these here songs. How thrilling for you, the reader.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must FORM BLAZING SWORD.


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Dec 3, 2008 - 12:01 AM
And Crash Continues to Ride the Roller Coaster of Romance Free of Charge
As I returned home from my ordeal in Pittsburgh, one of the things I reflected upon was that my newfound health could give me a better chance of finding myself a girlfriend. I wasn't going to rush into the project, but I was pleased with the potential for the future.

Imagine my shock and secret delight when I received a praiseful e-mail that same evening. I'd made several comments on a local blog and one of the regulars wrote to say that she enjoyed my writing and agreed with what I had to say.

We continued e-mails for several days and learned that we had a lot in common. The same philosophies, the same preferences in books and film, mutual knowledges, we both speak French, plus much more. The synchronicity seemed uncanny. By Saturday afternoon, e-mails were being exchanged at a tennis-like pace, and I could sense both of us were a bit excited. We exchanged photos and whatnot. I thought she was really cute. She liked my geekishness. (Really.)

She requested that we chat over AIM, so I gave her the contact info and she found me online Sunday evening. We spoke for about three hours, discussing everything from coffee to family to the supernatural. Eventually, she announced that she had homework to finish and needed to do it before bed. I asked if she'd be online the next day, to which she replied yes.

I haven't heard a word from her since. She's been on AIM but her away tag is constantly up. I messaged her once, simply asking if she was up for chatting tonight, but received no response. I really don't wish to jump to conclusions but part of me suspects I'm suddenly being ignored. I'm really confused.

NOTES: We were discussing alternate religions and paganism came up. Neither of us are but I mentioned that several of my friends "are Pagans." She said that was slightly offensive; she disapproves of pasting labels like that on people because she's been called Goth even though she's not; it would be better to say I have "friends who practice Paganism." It's splitting hairs but maybe she had a point. I revised myself and she seemed satisfied.

At another point, she asked why I needed a lung transplant. I told her it was due to CF. To my surprise, she told me that her ex-boyfriend's brother had died of CF. In my mind, I was relieved because it meant she knew what CF is and perhaps understood what I'd dealt with. Now, I'm wondering if it hasn't scared her away. I got my transplant; I've effectively beat the disease. CF isn't going to kill me. I don't know if she understands this.


I hope it's not over so suddenly. It barely began. I mean, I don't know her too well but from what I was shown, I felt there was great amount of potential. I still do. I don't even know if I did something wrong.

I've been trying to find someone for a year and a half now and haven't even made it to the first date phase. I deserve someone too.


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Dec 2, 2008 - 07:10 PM
A Bit of Career Advice?

Now that my health is dramatically improving, I'm seriously thinking about getting the college degree that eluded me for the first part of my life. I attended twice before, majoring in Art and English, respectively, but as I've grown older, I've come to learn that finding jobs in those fields is a difficult task, almost like waiting for lightning to strike.

Right now, two potential careers appeal to me: professional chef; and meteorologist.

Professional Chef

Pros:
  • Cooking is a form of expression, an area in which I'm naturally skilled.
  • Allows for a great variety of experimentation and specialization.
  • I have experience with most professional kitchen equipment already.

Cons
  • Obtaining a certificate likely means attending an expensive academy.
  • The sluggish economy isn't helping the restaurant industry. If things don't improve by the time I graduate, there may be too much competition for jobs.

Meteorologist

Pros:
  • It's a stable field. War or peace, rich or poor, there will always be weather, and therefore jobs.
  • It pays pretty well, especially if working for the government or an aerospace firm.
  • There may be interesting travel opportunities.

Cons:
  • The curriculum demands a lot of math, which isn't really my strongest suit.
  • I am more prone to infection in cold air than most people. This may be an issue at some point.
  • There are not many colleges that offer meteorology as a major. I do not know if I can afford to travel too far to attend.


So I'm rather torn. Cooking would be the more satisfying of the two but there are job stability issues. I would deeply resent working for my certificate only to be forced into working at a T.G.I.Friday's to make ends meet.
Meteorology has the better stability and may pay more overall but I am not 100% certain if I could bear the courseload's numerous miscellaneous requirements.

So, if you were in my shoes, given these criteria, which career would seem most optimal to you? I'd like to hear some opinions beside my own.


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Nov 30, 2008 - 09:39 AM
Know What Sucks?

Having your blood sugar crash twice in one night - once at 2AM, the second at 9AM - both while you're asleep.

Talk about a rollercoaster. Nothing like sweating profusely from near hypoglycemic shock twice within an eight hour span. My t-shirt reeks now. I'm still mildly shaking.


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Nov 29, 2008 - 10:59 AM
Spontaneous Weight Gain

Since getting my new lungs, I've been advised to watch my weight. Not that I'm at risk for suddenly becoming a wisp, or anything. Quite the opposite, in fact. I've always been thin, on the verge of existing in only two dimensions at times. However, it is evidently typical of a post-lung transplant patient to put on considerable mass in the first year or two. This is due mainly to not having to breathe so deeply and forcefully just to survive; the amount of calories burned by deep breathing is far more than you think. This is why exercise is so effective: you not only burn calories in the muscle, but the increased respiration doubles your effort.

Last night, I weighed myself on the bathroom scale. I was 121 pounds. This morning, gazing at myself in the mirror, my face appeared fuller. I weighed myself again. 124 pounds. I somehow put on three pounds overnight when all I did was sleep.

I'm liking this. I've always wanted to wear pants without requiring a belt.


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Nov 21, 2008 - 12:36 PM
Wasting Away In Pittsburgh

I'm still idling about Pittsburgh. I've been released under my own cognizance, so I'm free to move about within the city, but going home to Buffalo is expressly forbidden. I haven't wandered very far, as I don't wish to push myself beyond my physical means yet, and also because I don't have a ton of money to throw at leisure. I whittle away the hours listening to my iPod, watching television, playing my DS or just napping. A lot of you would say that sounds like an ideal lifestyle but trust me, it gets old fast. And now that my stamina isn't a complete joke, it's even duller.

I'm staying at a "Family House" which is exactly like a Ronald McDonald House, but more tasteful. One of their more annoying rules is that each patient resident must stay with another person, be it a family member, spouse, friend, whatever. This requires someone else to suspend their day-to-day affairs and idle about Pittsburgh also. My dad has so far filled this role but I feel sorry for him. He's bored out of his skull and I've surmised that I'm far more self-sufficient than the typical patient guest. I don't truly need him for anything. But he cannot leave town without violating the terms of lodging, and I'd be cast out as well. His laptop screen broke and now he can't even rent DVDs as he's been doing.

It's quite dull here. The house was clearly furnished with the elderly in mind. There is a library on the second floor with a vast collection of inspirational tales of faith and triumph, courtesy of Reader's Digest. The rest of the books are seemingly Harlequin romance novels.
I am using the one available computer in the house. I have my laptop with me but the place has no wi-fi. Eighty percent of Family House's workforce is provided through volunteer conscription, and they're all aging matronly types who display no understanding of technology past 1982. My father offered to set up his wi-fi router for the house so that guests could use it while we're here but the caretakers regarded his proposition as though he'd offered to conduct Satanic rituals in the main foyer.

The other houseguests are all in their middle ages or beyond, and many of them are exceptionally pious. I won't begrudge them the solace that faith brings in their time of uncertainty but I wish some could keep it to themselves. People share stories here and when I tell them I had a double-lung transplant, the knee-jerk response tends to be that I am "blessed" or that angels are watching over me. I reason that they feel somewhat powerless in their respective situations, so it's simple to assume that everyone else is equally despondent. But I didn't get to this point by God's grace alone. I jumped through countless hoops before surgery, then scraped the bottom recesses of my willpower to get through the immediate recovery. Blessed or not, let's not overlook the merits of perseverance and tenacity. "God helps those who help themselves," do they not say?

I still feel adrift. I'm a (relatively) young person surrounded by folks twice my age, or more. We don't relate as well as I'd like and conversation suffers for it. We exchange banalities about the weather and hometown comforts - and that's it. Two different worlds under the same roof. I'm internally aching for someone my own age to talk to.
Two nights ago, some college students from Phi Kappa Epsilon volunteered their time by cooking a large dinner for the house. They were the first younger people I'd seen in weeks and I tried talking to them but they were more interested in chatting amongst themselves. One of them began conversing with me near the evening's end but she was cut short as the rest of the group informed her they were leaving.

On the plus side, I know I'm feeling better. One of the girls, a very cute brunette, wore a tight long-sleeve turtleneck and even tighter jeans. She had a gorgeous pair of D cups that held my attention for quite awhile through sideways glances. If she'd given even the faintest sign of approval, I'd have taken her to my room and dived headfirst between her breasts, or wherever. Honestly, I think it's a bit too soon to think about fucking the brains out of anything, but the return of my libido has been the most encouraging sign yet.

Oh by the way, Capo, Ultima, Wojo: I thought you guys were gonna find me and hang out for an afternoon. What the hell happened?

Currently Playing: Viva Pinata

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Nov 12, 2008 - 05:27 PM
Sweet Release

After nearly three weeks enduring various levels of institutionalized torture, the doctors agree that I'm well enough to leave the hospital today. I don't get to go home to New York, I have to stay at one of the associated community homes. If you know what a Ronald McDonald House is, then you have a firm grasp of where I'll be - minus the deranged mascots. I pay $10 a night, clean up after myself and supply most of my own food. I have no idea where to get this food but we'll see. I've saved up a small supply of pudding cups and Rice Krispies Treats from the nightly dessert cart. I expect those can tide me over until I locate whatever suffices for a supermarket in this city.

I've been told that three weeks is an extraordinary recovery time for a double-lung transplant, that most patients stay in the hospital for nearly a month, often more. I have to take their word at face value, as there's no comparable experience for me to draw upon. They insist that I feel fantastic, which may be true, in relative terms. I am still achy, stiff and easily tired - I had my entire torso mauled - so I am maintaining a conservative assessment of my condition. In time it will improve, I'm sure. Right now, I just want my ribcage to stop throbbing.

Likewise, they don't expect that I'll need to undergo local observation for long, maybe another three weeks. I have to go to a handful of clinic appointments and be seen by homecare nurses at the halfway house several times a week. Other than that, I'm a temporary citizen of Pittsburgh, free to travel wherever I like, whenever I feel up to it. I don't know the city well, and although my dad is coming down in my car, I'm not allowed to drive - nobody is immediately following chest surgery. I'd like to see what entertainment Pittsburgh has to offer but I don't want to overexhaust myself in the process.

I learned something about you healthy people. When you fully inhale, the breath doesn't expand your ribcage nearly as much as a person with diseased lungs does. It's a process called hyperinflation, evidently; the lungs, in their need to direct the same volume of air within a compromised space, adapt by expanding deeper within the chest cavity. Over time, the lungs themselves become enlarged, causing the owner to feel a breath drawn in as deep as the tops of the kidneys. Now that my lungs are healthy, there's no need to expand so much. Comparitively, my breathing feels shallow, even though it's not. As I work the lungs and they settle into my own chest, this tightness will completely disappear. For now, even though I'm much healthier than before, I still sound a bit like Stevie from "Malcolm in the Middle." It's like I have to learn to breathe all over again.

On the plus side, all those whacked-out side effects have largely ceased. I'm no longer hallucinating, no longer experiencing involuntary twitches that prevent me from sleeping. The tinnitus has cleared up and food tastes correct once more. All that remains is a slight oversensitivity to bright light and some swelling in the feet, which will both clear up now that the intravenous medicine has run its course.

I don't know what the internet status at this "Family House" will be. I might be sporadic in my attendance. I might just lay in bed for a couple days and enjoy a relatively interruption-free existence. Being free of all the tubes, wires, catheters and sensors is in itself a blissful state. I am untethered. You don't appreciate freedom until it is suddenly revoked. I signed up for this brutality, true, but it wasn't exactly mentioned in the brochures, so to speak.

Anyhow, I'm just relieved to be leaving this hospital. As much as I've griped about some of the stuff I've dealt with back home, the UPMC makes Buffalo look like the Hilton.


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