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Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon's

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Oct 31, 2009 - 05:42 PM

So i herd u liek halloween

Made this for my sister this afternoon. I told her, next year, choose something that involves something with holes thicker than 1/6 of an inch.

Response entries:
So I heard you are into vegetables and spray paint. by Thud.

[12]

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[public entry #60]

Oct 30, 2009 - 09:12 PM

Dun Dun-Dun Dun! (Snap Snap)

This is what I did tonight instead of doing something much better.

Long story short: Last week, this guy purposely avoids telling his girlfriend about a Halloween party, but someone else invited her anyway. She arrives, he gets pissy and immediately leaves. Later, two girls nobody knows well show up looking for this guy. The girl is pretty ticked off. I calm her down and we get to talking, eventually decide fuck it, we should get together instead. Plans are made.

Two days later, she cancels the plans. Doesn't want to give up on her jerk-off boyfriend too soon. Wouldn't be fair to see me before they're done. Whatever. Be that way. Ain't worth grieving over.

Today, she calls me. Nope, he's a total dick, fuck him, she says. She has two tickets to a live performance to Rocky Horror, do I want to go with her? Eh, I had no other plans. Why not? Great, I'll pick her up at 7:30.

Twenty minutes later, she calls back. Show is canceled due to a water main break nearby. They won't refund her money since the cancellation wasn't their fault. Act of God thing. She's out $40 and her plans are ruined. I say we could do something else. Nope, her mood is set. She wants to go lie down and cool off.

Ugh, fine. She's quickly becoming a waste of my time. Nice girl, nice to look at, great tits - but seriously, I ain't playing games.

Went to carve my pumpkin and bake the seeds. Far more satisfying than being yanked around by some woman who has no idea what the hell she wants. If I can convince her to fuck a few times before I move out of state, and before she goes overseas on her teaching internship, I'll consider it a success.

[12]

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[public entry #59]

Oct 24, 2009 - 07:16 AM

365 Days of Not Coughing Up Phlegm Balls

And so it was, a year ago to the hour, that I was placed under sedation and had my chest torn apart. They extracted the useless lungs I had and somehow inserted new ones with a minimum of cosmetic damage.

The following two weeks were one of the most disorienting, exhausting and physically painful experiences I've ever had. At several points, I thought I was going insane. It's a testament to my own willpower that I recovered and was released in near-record time: sixteen days, the second fastest recovery from a double lung transplant in clinic history. Sometimes, if you truly want something badly enough...

But I got through it and reached the one year mark. There have been a couple bumps but nothing like the problems my old lungs caused me. I'm back to work, and will be heading off to school soon enough, this time unburdened by the repeated illnesses that prevented me from completing my education before. It's an exciting prospect and I can barely wait.

I take a lot of pills now. I cannot eat grapefruit, and should probably be avoiding pomegranates too. The medicine gives me some occasional swelling in my calves and ankles, and it's made me diabetic - but these are rather small prices to pay in exchange for everything else. Had I chickened out, there's a considerable chance I wouldn't have made it this far without the new lungs.

I still don't know anything about the donor. I don't even know if the donor's family wants me to know anything. I will inquire, eventually. They don't typically tell you this information until you're well settled into the new routine anyhow. I can wait to find out that I'm carrying the lungs of a Puerto Rican lesbian if I must.

But yeah, it's been a year and I'm feeling pretty fantastic about it. I'm gonna buy me a cake at work and celebrate properly. Then it's off to a Halloween party with some friends, where I expect to be celebrated again.

I normally shy myself away from such displays, but not this time.

I've earned it.

[14]

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[public entry #58]

Oct 20, 2009 - 05:54 AM

Mystery Mp3 Time!

Spoiler:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

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[public entry #57]

Oct 18, 2009 - 10:25 PM

Reset Button

I've gone and returned everyone to their original names so that - for once - we can all be on the same page and know who's who for a few days.

Until more in-jokes ensue and people want new, ridiculous monikers.

[9]

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[public entry #56]

Oct 10, 2009 - 04:46 PM

55 Fake Cards (Magic the Gathering Nerdery)

I got into a somewhat heated argument with a friend last week. He works the overnight shift at a hotel reception desk and, to kill time, had made a bunch of fake Magic cards. He showed them off with pride but I was visibly less than impressed. Although he's been playing the game since around 1998, a lot of his ideas were either underpowered or just plain didn't work at all. I tried to offer suggestions for improving his ideas, without being a jerk about it, but he was already offended by my less than glowing reception.

We went back and forth on what constitutes a good card and eventually a challenge was issued: if I know so much about designing fake cards, why don't I make a bunch of my own and show him how it's done?

So I did. I spent a week, compared to his three, and cranked out 55 Magic cards. He has yet to see them, but I'm posting them here for general review, in case I'm overestimating my own skills.

(A note for those who know what I'm talking about: I'm a "top down" designer. I come up with a good card name, or find a compelling piece of artwork, and design a concept to match. Rarely do I come up with the mechanic first, then look for the aesthetics to go with it. I think this method adds a lot more to the flavor of some cards.)

Spoiler:

I don't play much anymore, but I like to think that if Wizards of the Coast were hiring, I'd stand a decent shot at getting an interview, at the very least.

[1]

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[public entry #55]

Oct 7, 2009 - 10:38 PM

A Conundrum

I have basic accounts on sites like Match.com and eHarmony. I'm not serious about any of them, so I don't pay for a thing. It's just the free basic non-amenities such as having a profile and being notified during the blue moons in which someone shows interest in you. I've had the accounts for about a year, and the only reason they've ever existed is due to curiosity over what types of women their "complex algorithms" would match me with. I expect no activity and 98% of the time, I get just that.

Every now and then, I get e-mails saying that someone looked at my profile, or someone sent me a wink, an icebreaker, a howdy - whatever pathetic name they assign to a meek, first contact.

I am always very wary of these e-mails, since I've heard, and fully believe, that a large portion of them are auto-generated to lure non-paying registrants into forking over money for extra privileges such as being allowed to reply to messages, and to see the faces of the women with whom you're matched. I'm not eager to shell out their ridiculous fees to learn that my interested party was a bot account that doesn't reply.

But sometimes I read over the emails for laughs. It's amusing to see what they think I'll like.

Except tonight I got one that made me stop and sort of blink a few times.

Stats:
Name: Rachel
Town: Hamburg, NY
Age: 32
Height: 5'1"
Occupation: Nurse

I think I know this person.

Before I received my transplant, there was a nurse, at the hospital I went to in Buffalo, whose name was Rachel and who fits all of the other descriptions. We got along very well, and she was hot as hell. Of all the nurses in that place that I ever wanted to get with, she was #2.

Naturally, I don't know if it's her for certain, but it would be, at the very least, interesting if it is. I uploaded a photo some time ago, so if she can view them - unlike me - and it's the Rachel I know, then she must know it's me. It's a shame that eHarmony practically chaperones the whole "getting to know you" phase with the austerity of an 80 year-old Catholic nun, so it'd be impossible for her to come out and say "Hi Al! It's Rachel, how ya doing?"

I'm pretty curious. Even if it's somehow not the Rachel I know, which would be beating the odds for sure, it's still a nurse my own age, and I've definitely got a soft spot for nurses.

But the only way to actually know is to give them some money. And that's where the conundrum lies.

What do the rest of you think? I'm completely torn down the middle on this one.

(6 fleeps)

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[public entry #54]

Oct 5, 2009 - 03:41 PM

It's Not Just GameStop Anymore.

I've been clearing out old and unused items in my room, and decided to trade in a handful of DS games that I never play anymore. There wasn't any game I particularly wanted in exchange but I figured it'd be nice to have the credit on my account in case there's something I want in the future and am short on cash.

So I gathered up the games and drove to this store called GameCrazy. I'm under the impression that this is a nationwide chain, like EB or GameStop, but I've only ever seen this one. Still, they've always been decent and the manager, Tom, is a good guy.

When I arrived, there was only one couple ahead of me, and they were finishing up their purchase. They took their game and left, placing me next to receive service. I stepped up to the counter and the attendant just walked away without even acknowledging me. He walked to the back of the store and began fiddling with a stack of games on a display case.

But whatever. There were two other employees, one rearranging some X-Box accessories on a pegboard, the other just standing there talking to the accessory rearranger. They were having a conversation about some girl they both knew. Every now and then, the first employee would chime in with some derogatory remark about this girl.

As I stood there, I watched them. Occasionally, they'd look at me, then go back to their business of sorting game cases, hanging accessories, and standing around being useless. They made no attempt to say they'd be with me in a moment, or to ask if I needed anything. They just acted like I wasn't important.

After three or four minutes, I rapped a couple of the DS games against the counter loudly, so as to let them know I wasn't just appreciating the speckled formica counter. They looked at me, then at each other, and promptly went back to ignoring me.

About a minute later, the useless one doing nothing came toward me, made eye contact, then walked right by me. He reached under the counter a bit of the way down, retrieved a bottle of Pepsi, then walked right by me and the register again, resuming his position of leaning against a column and not doing a damned thing.

I cleared my throat, and inquired to the air in general, "Hello, is somebody going to help me?" None of them even twitched a muscle that would indicate an intention to do their job.

I'd had it. It was obvious they weren't gonna bother with me, and I was pretty enraged. I walked up to the counter closest to them and spoke a loud "Hey, fuck every single one of you. I hope Tom fires each of your pathetic asses when I tell him about this."

I then turned around and headed toward the exit, making sure to knock over several tall piles of old strategy guides on my way out. I figured it'd give the useless guy something to do.

I've come to expect this sort of behavior out of GameStop employees, as I've heard many a horror story from that place. But I guess the apathy has spread to the entire industry.

I've got the day off tomorrow. I think Tom and I will be having a nice discussion in the morning. If all goes well, a trio of assholes will be in the unemployment line.

Response entries:
Crash Landon: ITE I SHARE WITH THE INTERNET HOW I WAS A DOUCHEBAG by value tart

[10]

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[public entry #53]

Oct 3, 2009 - 06:21 AM

An Experiment:

I have configured it so that whenever a new post or thread appears in Mom's Basement, Community Commons or Video Gaming, Guy Axelrod (Sparkles McGlitterbottom) will receive an e-mail notifying him of these urgent updates. I think that if we band together, we can annoy-flood the hell out of this kid.

This is a new frontier in trolling on GFF and I want to see if it works.

Incidentally, he's banned from my Journal, just to keep him guessing.

Let's see if he bitches up a storm or what.

Currently Playing: with Sparkles' mind.

[12]

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[public entry #52]

Sep 30, 2009 - 09:55 PM

I Grow Weary of Not Eating

I have a stepmother. I am not her child and there is some resentment against me for existing in the household before her arrival. This resentment has endured since 1985 and often manifests itself in the form of denying me that which would provide me comfort and self-esteem.

She is quite territorial, having staked out the kitchen as her personal domain. This is a problem, as the kitchen is one of those rooms that must be shared. Others are spared her jealous watch, for they are either the breadwinner or her offspring and have legitimate claim. I am neither; I do not deserve to use the kitchen.

I cannot be caught in the kitchen without receiving the hairy eyeball from this woman. I am using up valuable food resources, food that could otherwise go to her children or husband, not me. Never mind that I purchase 80% of the food I eat and merely need a place to prepare it. See, not only am I unwelcome, I am also incompetent. I am reckless and have no regard for the welfare of others. I am incapable of following printed directions. It is inevitable that I am going to someday reduce the house to smoldering cinders by preparing soup from a can. I am going to induce a nuclear meltdown when I microwave noodles for four minutes. This is not a matter of if, but when, and it's her responsibility to keenly monitor my every movement to assure that I don't consign the entire house to a premature demise.

I also use pans, plates and silverware that she must later wash. My hunger is a great inconvenience. I have offered to do the dishes so as to compensate for my presence in the kitchen. This is unacceptable because my incompetence extends to the act of cleaning also. I do not wash dishes her way, which is the only proper way. I will put them away in the wrong order. I will break the plates and crack the glasses. I will get the counter tops wet and it is tragically impossible to dry them with a towel. I will leave the washcloth on the wrong side of the sink and chaos will break loose. Demons will run free because of my lack of discipline. No, it is best that I not get near the sink lest we usher in a new era of darkness.

Four times tonight, I attempted to cook dinner for myself. My choice was not complicated - a can of Spaghetti-O's. Empty contents of can into pan; heat; serve; enjoy. Simple, right?

The first time, I was rebuked because she was using the oven to prepare cheese sticks and I would be in the way. Cheese sticks do not properly cook if there is other food nearby. Everyone knows this.

The second time, I was turned away because she was baking dessert and you cannot operate an oven and a gas burner without opening a calamitous vortex into the Skullgrinder Dimension. This is, of course, very harsh on the linoleum flooring.

The third time, I was denied because she had disassembled the stove top to clean out the burners and surrounding area. She knew I wanted to make some dinner but that was of no concern, the burner plates are dirty now.

The fourth time, I was sent out of the kitchen because she was washing dishes and cooking something would only dirty up another pan. I had all evening to make dinner, why was I waiting so late?

I was then yelled at for leaving my can of Spaghetti-O's on the counter. If I wasn't planning on eating them, I shouldn't leave them in her way.

This grows extremely tiresome. I tire of being given the silent third-degree every time I so much as prepare a sandwich. I tire of the guilt trips I receive for having the audacity to want food. I tire of watching everyone else eat dinner, knowing that there was not enough prepared for me, and knowing that I am not welcome to join them. I was here first. I'm more a member of the family than my stepmother or half-siblings are.

I just want to eat a meal now and then. Is this so wrong?

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[public entry #51]

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