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Nov 10, 2013 - 06:15 PM |
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Obligatory Long-Hiatus Breaking Post |
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Apparently the last time I visited this place was on my birthday back in 2012. So this absence lasted over a year this time. Huh.
It's kind of strange coming back after repeated disappearances. Then again, it's kind of become a habit since 2006. Not any real reason for the absences, they just happen. Then again, I go months and months without talking to people I consider to be my closest friends, so take from that what you will.
So, new stuff has been happening, which I will elaborate on further starting in the next paragraph. Fair warning, though: Some of the shit I'm going to write may sound depressing and/or whiny. I'll do my damnedest to not write those things that way, though.
So, I have a core group of two best friends, both who have been members of GFF at some point. Some of you older members might have a vague recollection of their usernames, which I'll list here:
First, there's Tyson, who was known here as either Inferno/Infernogod. Some mods might remember a thread titled "A.H.O: Anti-Human Organization", which dissolved into a typical teenage shit-show fairly quickly. I forget which mod might have been trying to contain the mess. I think it might have been SecretSquirrel, not sure. Anyway, that thread was Tyson's brainchild. Or brain-abortion, whichever way you want to look at it.
Secondly, there's Andrew, otherwise known by his handle Rellik. I think there might be someone else with that handle now, so to clarify: If there's a current Rellik, that's not this guy. Andrew hasn't been on here in ages, and pretty much just sticks to Facebook. He's kind of moved on from forums. Anyway, his "claim to fame" is that little feud between him and myself that lasted about a year. That was mostly confined to the Journals, though, so unless you browsed through the Journals often back in 2004-2005, you had no idea this was going on. Then again, I'm pretty sure I wasn't even a medium-profile member back then, so even the regulars probably had no clue. Strangely, I remember that feud also containing a pissing match between me and him in broken German. I have no sweet clue how that happened. But yeah, that's him.
Anyway, yeah, these two friends. In the past year, they've gone through some pretty big milestones. Both are married now, for one.
Inferno's going to be a father. The reality of that hasn't quite sunk in yet for me. This dude used to be one of those unapologetic, tell-it-like-it-is assholes that you either loved or hated. Though, since he got married, he's been getting increasingly more mellow. I bet his wife's using black magic. :P
Rellik, on the other hand, joined the ever-increasing list of people I know that are on anti-depressants and seeing psychiatrists, myself included. On the surface. you'd think he'd be fairly content. He's living his dream job, working on jets for the Canadian Air Force. He's actually high up enough that he can actually sign off on and certify parts to go into our jets worldwide. He's married, has a house already, three cats, and even though his bills are quite higher than my own, he still has quite a bit of income to throw around.
Unfortunately, he's slipped into a depression that seems to be linked to his insane addiction to nostalgia. He can't stop thinking about the days when we could all hang out together, our high school days, and it depresses the fuck out of him every time he realizes that things will never be like that again. We've all moved away, gotten our educations, and are pursuing our own paths, to varying levels of success. He only sees me roughly once a year, and he hates that fact. He just hasn't been able to accept it yet.
I mean, our mutual friend Inferno is having a kid and relocating somewhere out west. I forget which province. I understand that last night might very well have been the last chance I've had to see him. After all, he's going to be on the other side of the country, and he's going to be busy taking care of his child. And when I hung out with him last night, he told me he didn't plan on returning to New Brunswick anymore, so that solidified it. So I know I might never really see him again, and might only hear from him once in a blue moon, but I understand and accept that. Life goes on, and a group of friends can't all go in the same direction. Rellik doesn't know about him having a kid yet, and while he'll understand that Inferno has a family now, it's still going to hit him hard to know he will have even less contact with him.
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In other new happenings, I'm off work on sick leave until at least March. Apparently I have possible nerve damage, which would explain my erratic twitching and movements, and possibly the "pulses of dizziness" that I get in my head when walking. That also includes my wrist problems, which, in short, make it so I can't lift shit. Not being able to do much doesn't help my depression much, but I do try to distract myself with what I can still do, which is compose music. I may be shit at it, but I like doing it, and that's all that counts. Need an example? Well, here's a track from the current album I'm working on, "TERMINALS":
Granted, it takes me much longer to do any sort of computer work, as my hands will start to go numb, causing me to take frequent breaks. Same thing with playing video games.
However, I guess the universe has a cruel sense of humor, though in that case I actually welcome it: I managed to win an Xbox One. Sure, I won it at a time where my hands are unreliable, but still, the fact that I won it makes me a bit happy. I'll only have it around Christmas though, as I was told that it'll only ship at launch, and I'm to expect it to arrive 3-4 weeks later. However, that's not a problem.
As far as my depression goes, it's frustrating, to be honest. See, though I have reasons to be depressed. and they seem valid, I know that it's just a stupid chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me think that way. Though knowing that hasn't made me feel any better. Luckily I had my meds upped recently, because I was starting to have suicidal thoughts again. However, an important distinction has to be made here: Though I had those thoughts. I didn't have any plans on how to pull it off. So, while I was starting to get into the danger zone, I wasn't in immediate danger. I don't think, anyway. It's fucking hard to think straight when your own brain is fucking with you non-stop.
Let's be clear, though: I'm not looking for sympathy. Though I'm not gonna be an asshole and turn it away, either. So yeah, I know this is all depressing as all hell, and also sounds about as whiny as typical teenage angst. I get it. If anyone wants to know specifics, feel free to ask me, I'll answer. I never really had a problem with giving out too much info, anyway. :P
I'm not going to go into more detail in this entry, though. See, when I finally logged back in today, I saw a thread about what happened to Zephyrin while I was browsing around, seeing what I missed. I never really interacted much with the dude, but I recognized that username, and morbid curiosity got the best of me. After reading through that, and since I'm making the decision to make this entry public, I don't feel it does anyone any good to go into detail about a condition that takes so many lives. I may have already opened that can of worms by mentioning that I have a problem with depression, but at least the can won't be fully opened.
That's pretty much it, but I do have things that I'm happy about:
I'm glad I'm still with my girlfriend of 4 years, and that she stays by my side even through all this bullshit.
I have an album out for sale on Bandcamp. Sure, it's only for $2.00, but hey, I like it, and I'm glad I have it out there.
My weight is stable. Sure, I'm still a hefty 260 lbs., but that's ok. I'm comfortable in my skin. Unless you ask me to do crunches. In which case, fuck right off.
I'm hoping to actually stick around this time and get involved in discussions. I have a bad habit of keeping to myself both online and in real life.
| Currently Playing: TesseracT - Altered State |
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