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Yeldarb's Journal

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Oct 2, 2009 - 10:03 PM
A Reflection(some introspective shit)
Since 2006 I've been posting here and there around the forum, but most of the bulk in the Concert Hall. But today I had the notion to read back through some of my old, freshman year mostly, chocojournal entries, which is the reason behind this entry. And, if any of you care to be curious of the uninteresting, you can read back through my old entries to find my main concern.

Beginning with the earliest entries, one horrifying aspect of the posts is the lack of any concern for proper grammar. Freshman through half of sophomore year was the lowest point of my intelligence and the highest of my pretension and pride; the first few entries certainly exclaim the thoughts of an adolescent with kindergarten grammar loudly. I would risk a guess that most people have in retrospect found the former attitudes, -isms, and idiosyncrasies of their childhood, or even more recent youth, to be appalling, riddled with hypocrisies, and caused by a certain ineptitude. I, certainly, suffered from these symptoms. Manifest in about all of the first fifty entries is the lack of coherent thought and basic pre-teen, run-of-the-mill blogging.

In addition to laughing at my entries, I had the intense itch to bowdlerize myself. Deleting this entry, deleting that entry, I wanted to delete my old self. But I came upon the realization that I shouldn't allow myself to murder who I once was, even though my previous entries never really represented my true nature in life. Looking back on these entries has demonstrated to me the hypocrisy that I never noticed before. Although, the urge to refresh the playing field for myself invokes a sense of absolution that I greatly desire, but, again, what I once was is an integral part of who I am now, as existentialists would agree.

I've grown tired of writing this as I'm sure you've grown tired of reading this. I made no intention of going on a tirade about epiphany, nor did I intend this entry to be an "excuse" for earlier behavior, but I did intend to write this to prove to myself that I was once a failure and still am.

However, that brings me to the end of this entry.


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