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Oct 16, 2006 - 04:15 PM |
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One last attempt at an answer. |
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I sent this email to Ashleigh in an attempt to get the truth. A relationship like ours doesn't just disintigrate, and I have to know what really happened. This is what the email said:
My father told me to write an email. To try and get my feelings down as some hope of this being some sort of catharsis. I'm not supposed to send it, but if you should get this, I failed in that regard. He said he was never able to not send them either.
You've ruined my life. I can't imagine what kind of pain and suffering I must've caused you to do this, but you've absolutely ruined my life. You weren't just my girlfriend. You were an ideal. You were hope. You were a belief. A belief that two people could get through anything together by talking it through and by loving one another. That two people could grow together for the rest of their lives and die together in the end. Hope for a future. Hope that the connection that had grown between us wouldn't just break.
I know you are trying to pin this on me. Your friends are helping, I'm sure. Reinforcing all the negativity. Making me out to be a supervillain. But I'm not. I was all you had for a long time and I stuck with you until you crushed me once before, and even still we fixed it. We were back in business and stronger than ever. And then these people show up suddenly, and you just can't take it anymore. Your livejournal entry said you didn't want to choose, but that's exactly what you did. I'm not needed to keep you safe and happy, so I'm simply not needed.
Everything you stood for, gone. A trust that you weren't just another cruel, selfish person. That you really were my best friend. And yeah, you say this won't be easy for you, but that's a lie. You will stay at the 801, playing video games, drinking, and being coddled by a group of people who will absolutely agree that you don't deserve my torture. And you still won't tell me the truth. The real reason why you are throwing me away. You are just like everybody else.
And, if I end up sending this like I probably will, I know you'll show them. And they'll point and nod knowingly, "See? See how she is?" but this isn't a mind game. You know about what we've been through and they don't. It's easy for them to make me out to be a monster when that's all they are told.
So what I'm going to do is contact you in a month. A full month from my birthday. And I'll bet you will be over me. You might not even respond at all.
I've decided I am going to say this, because I deserve the truth from you. I deserve an explanation. I love you. I was going to do whatever I could to get better and fix this so we could spend our lives together, but my promise wasn't enough. So just tell me why. And don't feed me the same stuff you have been. I have stood on my own for long enough. I didn't WANT to anymore, and I don't NEED to. I put everything I had into you and us, because I had faith that we were eternal. The one thing I trusted is that we would not ever be apart again.
Why did you take that away from me, Ashleigh?
So, that's that. If she replies, I'm sure I'll post it. If she doesn't, she is probably trying to remove me completely from existance as far as she is concerned.
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