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Sep 29, 2006 - 04:53 PM |
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Stupid impending birthday emo rant. |
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For once in my life I am at a pretty calm spot. I am not working too much, I am not dealing with terrible loneliness or overwhelming relationship troubles, nothing like that. I can write, as futile as it may be when hardly anybody reads my stuff, but at least I can still do it. I have been getting an abundance of good music, begun to accept a lot of the things from my past, and am in a pretty good place with my father.
But I am still kind of unhappy. I turn 22 in just about two weeks and I have no plan. I've never really had a plan about anything, but it's beginning to sink in more now. I have never had a plan in my life, and when I do, even when it's something small like planning to go do something with Ari, I just worry about how things will fuck up or it will fall through. Though, I think I know why I don't plan things, and that's that I should've died several times by now... and yet I haven't.
So now I am sitting here, very much alive and somewhat healthy, and have no fucking clue what to do with myself. I keep this stupid idea that maybe I could write for a living, but it's a stupid dream, and I should probably do something else... but I just can't. I can't resign myself to mediocrity. My older brother is a brilliant, talented artist with a college education and experience in computer graphics and such, and he runs a god damned towing company with his wife (that she inherited), and that whole situation really fucking disheartened me. Am I doomed to be a fucking nobody the rest of my life as well? I was told I was special since I was a little girl. I sang, I played piano, I wrote, but none of it means shit, really. My brother is proof of that.
How did I get so hopeless? After everything I'd been through, I told myself that things would get better. That in the future I could would be able to do something I enjoyed and be happy. But now, suddenly, I don't feel that way anymore. The only thing I am looking forward to is the WoW expansion, or more immediately, the nachos I am having for dinner. I can't see anything but a couple days ahead, and I know I can't live like this, but it's the only way I know HOW.
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