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Jun 22, 2007 - 09:01 PM |
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Mea Culpa; Parting Words |
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This is it.
I have had time to think about the recent events surrounding the Meet, and I now am finally ready to offer a full apology to those that would accept it. I have already called Eric, Heather, Rob, and Justine, and given them their due apologies.
To Avalokiteshvara, the quiet fox, Sassafrass, LeHah, Seris, Ceres, K_Takahashi, sprouticus, Temari, Plarom, Alice, The Dopefish (and anyone I forgot, though I'm pretty sure I didn't): I am truly, deeply sorry. What I did was inconsiderate to say the very least. I took advantage of your hospitality, eating food I had not paid for and sleeping one night in a bed that I hadn't paid for. Then, on top of that, I brought a group of friends up to the Meet House without first asking, assuming that there would be dinner ready for us. Though the dinner situation was based largely on a communication mix-up, it was still very rude of me to barge in with guests and then use the burgers and grill as though they were mine. After LeHah stated in no uncertain terms that I should leave immediately, I proceeded to stay at the Meet House. I apologize to LeHah in particular for this. Beyond that, I abandoned the Meet thread and let others do the work for me. Though it was never my intent to disappear and leave the work to Alice and Sass, who I give megaprops to for all of their incredible efforts, I left and that's what matters. I allowed myself to leech off of the work of others, and that's just unfair.
Anything else that you feel I left out, I apologize for that, too.
I had grand plans of how I was going to make it all right. How I was going to start a new Meet for next summer, make all the plans and preparations, how I wouldn't abandon the thread like I did for this year. How I would make reparations and amends that, in the end, would mostly involve money and would merely be shallow, hollow gestures based out of desperation and depression. There is a lot of my side to the story that is going unsaid; a lot of information being lost in translation. I desire to try and explain myself and bring to light what I feel to be a more fair representation of last night's events. I also desire to fire back at certain people with sharp words and a hateful mind, to return spite with spite and immaturity with immaturity.
Something else needs to be done.
If there is an Admin reading this, please permanently ban me from Gamingforce.
I have decided that it is time for me to disengage myself from GFF - mostly because I've matured. I have come to realize that far too much of my life was devoted not only to GFF, but to the Internet in general. I'd attempted to escape reality by delving into and immersing myself into a virtual reality, one that was largely comprised of people I had never met in real life. I'd attempted to fill some of the void in my life with forums and games, only because I had not allowed myself to mature beyond the need for such overpowering escapism. I wanted to relieve myself of the stresses of daily life by filling my mind and my time with what ultimately isn't real. Most of you here - I do not know you. I may have posted with you, joked with you in IRC, replied in your journals, read your responses in mine, bantered with you, participated in theme weeks with you - but I do not know you. I have met some of you in real life, but I have had no interaction with almost all of the people that I consider to be friends on the Forums. And until I do meet you in real life, I cannot continue to consider you to be 'real' friends. So much of my life has been lived vicariously through people here, people that I have never met, and so much of my time has been spent allowing you to live vicariously through mine. Time that should have been spent writing music. Time that should have been spent interacting with my friends at home and at school. Time that should have been spent writing essays and finishing assignments. Time that should have been spent with my family.
My apparent addiction to escapism is ending now; I can see more clearly what I have brought on myself by dedicating my life to unjust recreation at the expense of maturity and self-respect. I can understand why and how I became so deeply involved with the members and affairs of this site, and I can understand why I have to leave. Much of my failure to achieve in college was due to my desire to avoid my work and seek distraction; GFF and other boards on the Internet worked very effectively for that purpose, as well as a variety of other activities. GFF is only part of the problem, and my leaving is only part of the solution. I've grown a lot since I started here, and learned many hard lessons first-hand. Some of the lessons I've learned here, as well as those I learned at the Meet, have influenced my decision to leave.
If anyone would like to contact me for any reason, my contact information is still in my profile. E-mail is the most likely to get a response, as I still check that regularly. I thank everyone on the Forums for what you've provided over the last year and a half; I have many fond memories of my times here, and I heartily thank all who have made me feel like a welcome part of this community. However, with much regret and a heavy heart, I bid you all farewell from this corner of the Internet.
If you want to screw around with my av/sig space, I would like for you not to, but I won't stop you. I won't go out of my way to fix any attempts to damage whatever reputation I had before the Meet, though I would like any vandals to refrain from such childish activities. Still, I won't stop you from doing anything. It's not worth my time.
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