 |
Nov 12, 2009 - 03:32 PM |
|
 |
The Funniest Show on Television. |
|
|
GHOST LAB
I bet you thought John Wilkes Booth died in a barn, didn't you? Pfffshh. Well, it's time to rewrite the history books, Poindexter, because his ghost is living fat in a Texas opera house. The owner of the opera house is leaving a seat empty for his ghost every night there's a show, and doesn't even bother to ask for monetary compensation, which for a ghost would be in the form of invisible ghost-bucks. If I owned the place, you could bet your soft brain tissue that John Wilkes Booth's ghost would STAND IN THE AISLE.
I suppose proof is expected to back up such an outlandish claim. Well. Ghost Lab has many types of cameras, from hand-held to Predator Vision, flashlights and even a photo of John Wilkes Booth to help clue you in. Hang on. Let's queue up the satellite zoom to transition into my next sentence.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
I apologize if that scream frightened you; our contract with Discovery Channel obligates us to use a minimum of seven spooky sound effects per segment. Let me go ahead and save you the suspense that's to come: it's not a real Dracula laughing at the end of the show.
Now, to get our proof, we need to get John Wilkes Booth's ghost to show himself. We thought we picked up traces of his chilling presence near a theater seat with our thermal camera, but it was just the AC blowing on the corner of the chair. "Oh-ho, you're not going to make us look so foolish, John Wilkes Booth's ghost!!" We can hear him sneaking around upstairs. It's time to use a tried-and-true method that's been in effect since the 17th century: I am going to loudly shout insults at John Wilkes Booth's ghost to make him angry. So I shout, "WE HEAR YOU SNEAKING AROUND UP THERE, JOHN!" "I NEVER LIKED YOU! NOT EVEN AS A KID!!!" And, "YOU DO NOT KILL PRESIDENTS, JOHN!" But... nothing. Time for our secret weapon... a gun.
A recreation of the pistol Booth used to kill Abraham Lincoln, to be precise. I brandish it in the air, all the while taunting, "I've goooot youuuurr guuuuuunnn, Booooooth!" Ghosts are easily fooled by artificial replicas of things from their past. (True story: I caught the ghost of John F. Kennedy using a paper-mache replica of his own exploding head.)
It doesn't seem to be working. I need more time for our cameras and microphones to record evidence of his presence. Making him angry with insults works fine, but it's time to step it up a notch: I challenge John Wilkes Booth's ghost to a fist fight. "COME OUT AND FACE ME!!!"
A call over the radio from the "lab" (trailer) parked outside informs me that we've got what we need. Time to head back and listen to a bunch of ambient crunching and squawking that confirms he is there.
While we were busy celebrating the acquisition of hard evidence we will send to those Britannica nerds, Booth's ghost escaped to a furniture store in Oklahoma. That motherfu-
We tail his ass there, and once again attempt to make his presence known.
Upon introducing ourselves to the clerk, we immediately ask the store's owner to dress up and act very poorly like Abraham Lincoln, which we will record and, late at night, play back on a television we have placed in the store. Booth's ghost will attack the image on the screen much the way a cat would bat at the image of a bird with its paws. That's when we spring on Ghost Booth with a microphone!
The sounds of his angry wailing is bone-chilling, much like the sound a ceiling fan makes when it is on.
High fives and laughing all around.
This proves our theory!
Your run from justice ends here, John Wilkes Booth.
| Currently Playing: The word "Lab" is in the title because we are scientists! |
|
|
|
|
|
