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Aug 12, 2006 - 09:07 AM |
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"Increase speed, drop down, reverse direction" |
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Wow I've really been staggering these reviews! So here's a new Simple 20-waaait, this isn't a Simple 2000 game! What's going on? OH GOD, IT'S
Space Invaders DS / Revolution
  
Developer: Taito
Publisher: MMV / Mastiff / Rising Star
Rape victim: Infernal
Firstly, the FANCY reviews of this DISASTER on the internet are terrible. Yeah, I'm looking at you IGN, GameSpot, Generic Website Loaded With Flash Adverts That Slow Everything To A Crawl. I'm looking at you and AXES are shooting from my eye sockets, AXES that have hatched from EGGS, as I lost my eyes one sunny afternoon after some grass skirt wearing twit with a fairy fetish RAN ME OVER on his bright blue skateboard. I understand that you guys think it's repetitive, no shit! It's SPACE INVADERS. Don't dedicate the entire page to complaining about that, then thanking God video games have evolved into what they are today.. THREE DEE Space Invaders starring bald space marines, trembling with generic rage and spewing ultra risky, controversial 'did he just say that' jabs at the current state of America even when the game's set in the year 4087.
Here's the real deal! Looking to buy Space Invaders Revolution? Just craft yourself a pointy stick type creation made out of JAGGED, RUSTY TIN CANS. TINNED BEANS AND PEAS, MMM, THEY LOOK LIKE VOMIT. Now you have Space Invaders Revolution! What, you want to play it? Take off your pants, and jam your makeshift copy of the game into one of the locations down there! YOU'RE GETTING THE FULL EXPERIENCE NOW! Oh Infernal, it's okay, the excruciating pain dulls once all feeling is lost to the lower half of your body! No, nooo! Dear, precious gurnal reader! I love you! But no! Stay away, oh God, stay away!
This is Space Invaders! Wow! You've probably played that, or one of its better clones (hey Astrosmash, how's business today? Terrible? Well yeah, you're trapped on the Intellivision, too bad!) So basically, you know the score here. .. Uh, points. Personally, I STILL like Space Invaders, in short bursts of braindead, drool leaking fun. I've even gone and bought a PlayStation 2 game that contains nothing but Space Invaders! It's called Space Invaders Anniversary, guess what game's on it? Super International Cricket? Maybe, but probably not. Then watch out, there's Taito Legends and its buddy Taito Legends 2, they both contain a slew of Space Invaders!
But wait! Space Invaders Revolution was apparently directed by the VERY SAME GUY that made the ORIGINAL. HOW COULD IT GO WRONG? Perhaps he's very old and forgot where his jacket was?
"WHRE'S MY JACKET?"
"You're wearing it sir"
"GOOD, ONTO BUSINESS, SPACE INVA-WHERE'S MY JACKET?"
"You're still wearing it"
"WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT"
".... Sir?"
"PRICK, DON'T THINK I CAN'T SEE YOU THERE, LOOKING AT MY JACKET. WHERE IS IT? TELL ME"
"I hate you so much, sir. I hate you so much that it actually hurts ME, goodbye"
"FINE, I CAN PROGRAM THIS GAME ALL BY MYSELF, YOU JUST WAIT.. FIRST I NEED TO FIND MY JACKET THOUGH"
 
This game was brought to you by the colour purple.
NEW AGE MODE
Did you see that? I did a little header! Just like a professional website! We're going places now. We're going to HELL. New Age is the all new, singing, tapdancing Space Invaders. All the skills of Kirby's singing combined with several left feet with landmines strapped to them. You'll travel all over the world shooting them! To pump you up about mindlessly tapping the fire button a thousand times, there's a little 3D sequence of your ship blasting out of the hanger. It's quite good for the DS. Too bad the same thing plays for each level and there's ONE HUNDRED LEVELS. You just can't get excited about that after say.. the first time you see it. But in an attempt to spice things up with chili, there's all new Space Invaders! GIANT invaders that slowly fart across the screen, waiting for you to blast away at every pixel on their smelly bodies, white invaders that split into two when you shoot them, super fast ones that'll have one on one shoot outs with you, oh my! But what's this? WHAT IS THIS?
TINY INVADERS. TINY .. INVADERS. They're half the size of the normal ones, which means they cram twice as many onto the screen. This is all well and good, EXCEPT WE'RE PLAYING ON A DS HERE, THE SCREEN IS SMALL. YOU CANNOT FUCKING SHOOT THESE THINGS. AND WHILE THEY PROUDLY CALL THEM TINY, THEY STILL BLAST OUT THE SAME SIZE LASER.. BULLET.. LIGHTNING BOLT.. THINGS. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE, THE ATTACK IS LARGER THAN THE INVADER. BUT THIS DISGUSTING RAMPAGE OF CONFUSING NON-SENSICAL NEW AGE LOLI ALIEN NIGHTMARE BREAD AND BUTTER ISN'T EVEN OVER, LORDY LORDI EUROVISION NO! YOUR ATTACKS WILL GO RIGHT IN BETWEEN THE LINES OF INVADERS, RIGHT. IN. BE. TWEEN. LET'S JUST TOTALLY IGNORE THAT WE'VE GOT TINY INVADERS HERE, TWICE AS MANY ON SCREEN, CRUSHED TOGETHER. YOUR ATTACKS WILL ZIP RIGHT ON BETWEEN. I WENT THROUGH AN ENTIRE BATTERY CHARGE ON THIS ONE LEVEL. ONCE YOU SLAUGHTER ONE SCREEN OF THESE PRICKS ANOTHER SHOWS UP, THEN ANOTHER. ONLY THEN DO YOU COMPLETE THE LEVEL. EACH SCREEN HAS MORE AND MORE, THEY'RE SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND BY THE THIRD WAVE THEY COULD LICK IT UP AND MAKE DISGUSTED LOOKS ON THEIR STATIC GRUMBLING EARTH HATING FACES BECAUSE DIRT IS DIRTY.
Ah. Oh! But you can unlock special attacks to make life easier! Phew. How do you go about doing that? You play a limited version of the original that's freely avaliable on the map! Here the action is split across both screens, and you're given one or two invaders to shoot for points. For every 20,000 points (each crack at the game nets you about 1000 points, so yeah), you get a weapon such as LASER or RAPID FIRE that can be used for a very short amount of time. Good stu-THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER. THE BACKGROUND IS JUST ONE HUGE SLAB OF BLACK, YOUR BULLETS ARE PISS SMALL LITTLE RECTANGLES. GREY RECTANGLES, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT FRIGGIN' SHIT? EQUIP TOILET BOWL GLASSES? THOSE WOULD BE A TERRIBLE STRAIN ON THE NECK FOR SURE, TAITO.
So what we've got here is a game for a portable that cannot be played outside. You need to shove your face right into the screen while hiding in a dark room, foil wrapped around your head to prevent the government from obtaining your secrets of life. My time spent playing this was in the endless car trips to and from Echuca! This rubbish has THE worst design decisions I have ever seen. And oh man, the MUSIC. A symphony of buses driving off the edge of cliff, landing on a hospital. I don't even know what they were trying to do in the Australian level, it's like three people started throwing pens at eachother while a Robosapien toy sat in the background, hammering away at a stick of butter.
CLASSIC MODE
They couldn't even get this right. It's the original 70's Space Invaders, emulated so badly you'd think you were playing it on a calculator with no LCD display. It's almost insulting that they suggest you play this with the touch screen. TOUCH THE ON-SCREEN JOYSTICK TO MOVE! INNOVATION!
 
This is such a shocking game, I would rather go watch HOME ALONE 3 than play this ever again, because that would be less physical and emotional pain. I'm certainly not going to drag Michael Jackson on in here, this game get a whopping SHIT ALL out of five. AVOID THIS, PLEASE. Probably a good thing I'm about the only person who would even care about it in the first place. =)
This is where you watch a video of my fingernail!
| Currently Playing: Bloc Party - Helicopter |
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