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Feb 22, 2010 - 05:41 AM |
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Late Night Reflections |
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It's 5 AM and I cannot sleep. Even that I could, I am not certain I would want to.
I have been assessing myself since shortly before midnight, a sort of exercise in treading lightly through the minefield of one's soul. I have been searching for those attributes which redeem me, those that endear me to others and speak for who I am. Most importantly, those characteristics that could aid one in genuinely loving me.
I fear I've come up short.
My life has been met with much adversity. We all die but for most, that is a distant bird circling long upon the horizon. For me, that vulture has perched itself smugly upon my shoulder since the day I entered this world. It pecks at me and there are times I must lay down to replenish what it has taken. Five times I have stared directly at my own mortality and emerged the victor. Of willpower and tenacity, I am a titan. These traits have carried me far and will continue to push me along. I would not trade them for anything.
But these traits also caused me to withdraw into myself for support, support that was never received from my family. My condition was unusual and they didn't know how to handle it - so they didn't handle it at all. My many days in the hospital were spent alone, no visitations, no phone calls. Even friends kept their distance out of fear that getting too close to my illness would only lead to pain. I had nobody to rely upon but myself to get through the challenges. My family was and is not the kind to show emotion or outward concern for others, traits that have regrettably rubbed off on me. These things have given me tremendous depth of willpower but have also made me cold on the outside.
While resolve and fortitude are admirable traits, they are not lovable traits. I have difficulty expressing myself to others, especially those I care about most. And I do care, more than they would ever guess. Telling someone I'm worried or happy for them feels awkward at times. Unsolicited. Deeper emotions are practically taboo, as they only lead to worse feelings when not reciprocated or appreciated. I've only ever once told a person who wasn't my mother that I loved them, and it was during a spat of rage - an act of honest but brutal aggression designed to stun someone into silence. It backfired when she felt the same way and I was the one left speechless. We dated for several years. But it took anger to draw such feelings out of me, and I don't like that one bit. I've never told my father that I love him, and there are times when I wonder if I do.
I am often told by people that they like me for my reliability, my reason and my wisdom. The first two are fair, though not precisely charming. But wise? I am not wise. I am an idiot. If I were wise, I would know how to express myself sincerely without fear of humiliation. The fear that holds me back is nothing but foolishness. I know this, but that knowledge has surprisingly little power.
I am an intelligent person.
I am a brave person.
I am a determined person.
I am a steady person.
I am an honest person.
I am a loyal person.
But I am probably not a lovable person.
I will always continue to fight because that's my nature. But it can get quite lonely. I've proven to myself that I can hold my own ground and forge ahead. I'd like to do it for someone else now.
It's letting anyone know this that's been my downfall.
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