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Dec 23, 2009 - 07:00 AM
The 10 Worst Commonly Received Christmas Gifts
This isn't a compilation of the worst gifts I, myself, have ever received. I'm not aiming to be that spiteful. Instead, this is a list of gifts that are across-the-board bad, gifts that are generally either unwanted, inconsiderate or extremely poorly thought out.
To make this list, a gift must be one that is known to be given on at least a semi-frequent basis, must possess very little practical or sentimental value, must be devoid of common sense in some fashion, or must be so thoroughly tasteless that it makes everyone in the room pause and cringe in silence as the giver awkwardly awaits nonexistent gratitude.
Fruitcake did not make this list because, really, that's just too easy.
#10:
Hygiene Products
This one ranks low because it does possess practical value. However, the disappointment factor is completely through the roof. I have heard stories of people whose aunts or uncles gave them deodorant, mouthwash or supermarket variety aftershave for Christmas. Yes, you can use these gifts but, chances are, you already have them. There is no novelty, no momentary delight in being given the not-so-subtle hint that you possess bad breath. It's an awkward gift that sends the message that the giver was picking up his or her prescription medicine and suddenly remembered that Christmas was nine hours away.
#9:
Gift Cards to Places You Never Go
You get them from your aunt, the one who lives alone and never speaks to you on any other day but Christmas. Consequently, she doesn't know anything about you, but has a vague idea of what people like you do, which is shop and eat. So you get cards to places like T.G.I. Friday's, Red Robin, Kohl's, Bath & Body Works, etc. She selected these places because they were nearby and convenient for her, but not necessarily you. The money you save at JC Penney is negated by the gas spent driving to the next county just to find the store. Worse, the card is usually worth a low amount, like $5 or $10 because she was thinking of you but her emotional attachment isn't that deep. Often, nothing in the place is priced at $10 or less, so in the long run, you still have to spend money to save money. How thoughtful!
#8:
Christmas Ornaments
Everyone loves to celebrate the yuletide, and keepsake mementos are a nice way to remember the good times. But let's face it, the joy of receiving a Christmas ornament quickly plateaus upon the realization that you won't be able to use the damned thing for another eleven and a half months. It sits in its box, under the tree, for another week - because that's what you do with newly received Christmas gifts - and is packed away, its purpose denied because your impatient ass just couldn't hold off on decorating the tree until Christmas Day.
#7:
Gifts That Imply Better Gifts That Never Actually Arrive
Lookin' at you, AA batteries and Christmas cards without any money.
#6:
Hickory Farms
Because Christmas is already a time laden with cakes, cookies, eggnog, candies and sodas, it's only logical to push your loved ones over the brink of cardiac arrest with the gift of overly salted sausage and cheeses. They arrive in decorative little boxes and people spend a couple minutes feigning interest over the mundane variety. ("Look, Harriet, provolone!") Unless the giver went absolutely apeshit and spent $109 on the deluxe "Cheeses of Polynesia" assortment, the sampler you've received has just enough sausage to satisfy three bites and a tiny wedge of smoked cheddar whose joy is diminished by having to supply the obligatory crackers yourself. It's tacky to dive right in, so inevitably the gift winds up on top of the refrigerator where one hopes it will be remembered five weeks later as the Super Bowl airs, but never is. Hickory Farms is the gift that says "I refused to put any thought into our friendship, whatsoever!"
Fruit baskets fall under this category since they come with the pretense that someone isn't getting enough citrus in their diet.
#5:
The Nonsequitur
This category encompasses all the confusing, oddball, illogical presents you've ever received from people who felt thoroughly obligated to get you something but very clearly became awash in panic. It's understandable, in a sense. They're standing there in the Wal-Mart, the music playing, the children screaming, the lights flashing, all holiday hell breaking loose in a 250 foot circumference - it's easily enough to scramble every neuron in a person's brain. They just want out of there. But first, presents! This is why you got a Toby Keith CD. The gift-giver stopped caring and grabbed whatever was nearby, hoping with a total shot in the dark attitude that maybe, just maybe, you're actually into West Coast Choppers, and even if you aren't, maybe you're chivalrous enough to pretend. It goes down the same every year: You open the gift. You smile. They smile. Everybody fucking smiles. And we never talk about that pair of ballerina pig earrings EVER AGAIN.
#4:
Recruitment
Nearly everybody has that friend or relative whose life went from a bleak miasma of aimless desolation to a twenty-four hour carnival of glee when they picked up a particular hobby or purpose and never let it go. Now they want every single person to share in the same tunnel vision that saved them from growing old with nothing but three dozen cats for friends. Maybe they found Jesus. Maybe they became a vegan. Perhaps the music of Tori Amos turned their life around. And now they're spreading the wealth, oblivious to the fact that the moment they spent $830 on scrapbooking supplies, you stopped coming over. Now you've got a book on the evils of the whaling industry, a six month paid subscription to World of Warcraft, a ticket to the upcoming Clay Aiken concert (guess who has the other) or a colloidal silver starter kit. Their personal agenda is their gift to you, this Christmas. This person will almost unerringly attempt to validate their own obsession by following up with you around March to see how much better your life is now that you've been introduced to the joys of needlepoint. So unless you move to a different town and change your name, you're screwed.
#3:
Gifts That Are Secretly For the Giver ... And Not So Much You
It's a classic holiday tale: Wife receives big, shiny box for Christmas. Wife eagerly opens box. Wife finds a waffle iron in box. Husband grins smugly. Husband says "Now you can make me waffles for breakfast!" Wife Googles divorce lawyers later that evening.
#2:
Gag Gifts
Holiday gift-giving places a strain upon a lot of people but it takes a special breed of dimwit to be unable to distinguish between Christmas and April Fool's Day. On paper, the giver thinks it's cute. Everyone will have a good laugh, they'll bond over a well-planned jest and everyone will remember the joke fondly for years to come. In reality, the friend opens the box and finds a hat that looks like a spiral of dog-crap with the word "Shithead" spelled out on the brim. The giver bursts out laughing while everyone else's eyes shift about silently, nostrils flared with indignation. No words are spoken for three minutes. The recipient secretly wants to smash his brains into the wall because he got the practical joker an X-Box in return. Nothing brings two people closer like a big ol' slice of public humiliation. There is absolutely no occasion in which a "Bikini Inspector License" will be required, let alone appropriate. Nobody in their right mind wants a "Desperate Housewives" drinking dice game. Heed this advice: If your quest for holiday cheer leads you into Spencer's Gifts, you fail at Christmas.
#1:
Scratch-Off Lottery Tickets
"Here, I gave someone else five dollars. Merry Christmas!"
