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Nov 3, 2009 - 02:46 PM |
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The Following Are True Anecdotes |
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I am convinced that stupidity is an infectious disease, and that my constant, daily exposure to it will only result in a slow, gradual reduction in my mental faculties. Soon, I will find myself enjoying the comedy of Carlos Mencia, and I will be genuinely interested in NASCAR events.
I mean, idiocy must be transmissible, else there's no other explanation for the sheer amount of customers I encounter who have no concept of what's going on around them. They make unrealistic demands. They assume the illogical. They conveniently ignore fact. They revel in counterintuition.
It is not just the slovenly and poor who commit to these wayward shifts in logic. Well-to-dos, those dressed in business suits and who carry Louis Vuitton handbags, are just as wont to spouting the most absurd things. Stupidity infects without discrimination. There is an adage that states that the customer is always right. If this is true, then we've already been sucked into a black hole and everything we know is wrong.
Here is an assortment of statements and exchanges in which I or my coworkers have been regretful participants. They may or may not be verbatim but have been summarized to the best of my recollection.
Without further adieu:
"Can you take the olives out of the olive loaf? I don't like them."
"The sign for the ham says $4.99. Is that per pound or per slice?"
"Do you carry Boar's Head roast beef?"
"Sorry, sir, we don't have that brand."
"Oh. Well, can I get a half pound of it?"
"Yeah, give me a pound of that." (Points at the case)
"I can't see what you're pointing at; the case is at the wrong angle for us. Could you tell me which one you want?"
"Yeah, the one on sale."
"What's the difference between the capicola and the provolone?"
"My husband likes that cheese with all the really, really tiny holes in it. It's real mild. What one is it?"
"Do you mean the swiss lorraine?"
"My name's not Lorraine. It's Diana."
"Number 35! 35!" (Called by deli employee)
"I have number 41!"
"Hi, if I order a cold cut platter, does it come with roast beef?"
"Not normally, no."
"But if I wanted roast beef, you could put it on there for me, right?"
"Sure, substitutes are allowed. Would you like roast beef on a platter?"
"No, I don't like roast beef."
"Hi, can I help you?"
"Yes, all this order is to go.
"Can I get four quarter pounds of this bologna?"
"You want them in four separate bags, right?"
"No, you can put them all in the same one."
"I'm returning this ham. It's spoiled."
"Okay, let's see wha- ma'am, this ham was purchased in July. It's now October."
"Well, it's all brown and slimy. I don't want it."
"Ma'am, this package hasn't even been opened. Why didn't you eat it?"
"Because it's spoiled. I already told you."
"It wasn't spoiled three months ago."
"I was in Florida. I just got back."
"What are your vegan options?"
"Uhh . . . this is a deli. We really just do meats and cheeses."
"So you don't have anything?"
"We have coleslaw."
"Does it have meat in it?"
"How much is the Wunderbar bologna?"
"$1.99 per pound."
"Just give me two dollars worth."
"Gimme a pound of the roast beef."
"Which one would you like?"
"Huh?"
"We have two kinds: the top round and the Ressler's seasoned."
"Which one is which?"
"The top round is the rarer one on your right."
"And the seasoned?"
"It's the darker beef on the left. Obviously."
"Yeah, a pound."
"Of which?"
"The roast beef."
"No, which beef would you like?"
"The one by you."
"That doesn't help me much."
"I don't understand."
"AGH...RED OR BROWN???"
"I need a pound of the mosquito turkey."
"You mean the mesquite, right?"
"What the hell is mesquite?"
"Hi, I'd like a pound of the Krakus ham, but I need it shaved so it's falling apart. Could you shave that a bit thicker than normal?"
(Note: This does not work.)
"I'd like to order an assorted sub."
"We don't make sandwiches here. You'll need to go to the Carry-Out Cafe right over there. They'll make your sub for you."
"Do I have to buy the meat here?"
"Number 55! Does someone have 55?"
"Excuse me, but why is your count so low?"
"What do you mean?"
"At this rate, I'll be here another hour."
"Well, what number do you have?"
"143."
"Ma'am, that's I 43. We called your number ten minutes ago."
"Okay ma'am, here's your pound of shaved turkey."
"Yeah, I changed my mind. I just want some of the maple ham instead."
"I wish you'd told me this a lot sooner."
"I was waiting for you to finish."
"I'd like some of the turkey that's on special, but I don't want the stuff you have here in the case."
"Well, that's the only place we have it."
"I want it cut fresh."
"We just refilled it five minutes ago. It's quite fresh."
"That's not fresh enough. I want it sliced in front of me."
"Okay..." (Gets a whole turkey)
"You can't use that slicer."
"Huh? Why not?"
"It's had other meats cut on it. I want you to take it apart and clean it."
"We're really busy, ma'am. That's gonna take a while."
"Do you want to risk cross-contamination?"
"Fine, fine. Once I've got the slicer cleaned, how much turkey do you want?"
"Just one slice. I'm making a sandwich."
"I need three half-pounds of genoa salami packaged in two separate bags."
"That's an improper fraction."
"Can you do it?"
"I'm . . . not sure. I was an art major."
"Hi. Can you tell me what's in a reuben?"
"Sure. It's corned beef and swiss on rye bread with sauerkraut."
"That's what I thought. I need a pound of the corned beef and a pound of the swiss cheese, please."
(Several minutes pass)
"Alright, here you go."
"And I need a half pound of the sauerkraut."
"We don't sell sauerkraut."
"Oh. Well, that kind of ruins it. I guess I don't need these anymore."
(Customer walks away)
"Ma'am, you're in a super. . .market . . ."
"How much would three pounds of bologna weigh?"
Response entries:
<Dubble> You just want to know, Lurker. by Sarag
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