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Dec 11, 2008 - 05:21 PM |
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Trapped In a Well-Meaning Limbo |
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I'm currently in Pittsburgh to participate in a drug study. The drug tastes like shit but it's effective and they already know it has no ill-effects. But that's not what I wish to discuss.
Because my visit is related to the local hospital system (UPMC), I can stay in something called a "Family House." It offers lodging at a reasonable rate - $10 per night - but lacks the frills and services of an actual hotel. You supply and prepare your own food. You make your own bed and change your own linens. You're required to clean and vacuum your room before you leave, and there's absolutely no food allowed outside the commons area. If you know what a Ronald McDonald House is, you can get the gist.
And I've grown to hate it here. Aside from the abject dullness, I've come to detect a strong sense of malaise in the air. Some folks believe that emotions can be imprinted in the walls of a building. I am wondering if this is true, as I have plenty of energy when I am elsewhere but find myself drained whenever I return to the Family House.
The typical visitor is here because a loved one is in the hospital for a significant period and the family, who lives far away, has nowhere else to go. Many people spend weeks or even months here as their loved ones recover, or sometimes, wait to die. Other patients have recovered from surgery and are well enough to move about on their own, but not well enough to return home, as I was for a while in November.
Whatever the circumstance, it produces an aura of boredom, fear and hopelessness in the vicinity. The expressions on some folks' faces is one of thorough fatigue and numbness: they've been here for months and all sense of routine and home life is gone - THIS is now their life, until their relative recovers. And it's a bleak existence, living from day to day with little purpose, forbidden to return home because of the sense of duty to the sick. Life in limbo is not life at all, in my opinion, and it's that muted sense of despair that permeates everything in this place.
And I can't stand it. The only reason I'm here is because I am not yet allowed to drive on my own. Had I my druthers, I'd be staying at a Marriott or Holiday Inn - they offer discounts to UPMC outpatients. But the cost for two people is still a lot, and it's hard to refuse a fee of $50 for five nights when you're forced to travel with someone.
It's nice that a place like this exists for those truly in need, but I've paid my dues and am in recovery with a lot of hope for the future. I'm not supposed to feel wrung out just because of where I am. I return home to Buffalo tomorrow afternoon and I'm already chomping at the bit. I don't belong in an environment like this. I tried to explain to my Dad and he doesn't seem to comprehend.
I just needed to get that off my chest.
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